AIBU to feel overwhelmed when my partner keeps going out after having a baby?

[13062804DT]

Me and my partner had our DS 9 weeks ago. We’re engaged to be married. We’re both in our early 30s. DS is the best thing to ever happen to me, to say I’m besotted with him is an understatement but I’m starting to feel overwhelmed.

My partner is part of a bowling team that plays torments so he is out of the house one evening a week for practice from around 5pm to 11pm. The word cup is on, so currently every time England plays he is out of the house at the pub watching England and stays at his friends house over night (due to drinking). He, of course, is working Monday - Friday in the day so some days I’ve been caring for our DS all day, then he’ll toddles on out all evening to do his hobbies, on the flip side when he finishes work and he stays home I ask him to do a feed or a nappy and he groans and says he’s tired from working all day. He does do it, but I have to ask. I had a much needed relaxing bath the other day which had to be cut short because DS wouldn’t stop crying for me and he couldn’t cope with his crying.

I am so disappointed because this isn’t the person I thought I was going to be marrying and I certainly wouldn’t have had a baby with him if I knew I’d feel so alone after having our much wanted baby. I spent another night last night alone all night, it’s coming on midday and he still isn’t home because he decided to do a car boot, another one of his hobbies.

I think I know what the answer may be, I’m just here to vent.

He needs a reality check. Time for him to man up and accept he can’t maintain the same lifestyle after having a kid. Time for you to have a serious talk with him.

Spot on.

OP my DS1 was born in a major football tournament month. DH watched loads of football - sitting in our living room feeding or winding DS.

He needs to be told he is out far too much. I can be very petty and if he was mine I’d be making his life considerably harder to make a point. Do you do his laundry? If so, stop right now.

I agree with this I will also add

Stop cutting your bath etc short. Yes baby is crying thats dads job to work out and learn how to cope with.. much like you had to learn.

Actually go out without your child and leave dh in charge. Sont leave detailed instructions get him to work it out

Laslty he is a parent now you will be tired regulalry for the next 18 years or so. Also something to learn to cope with.

However dont rescue him do not become the expert on the baby

@Marycontrarygarden "Did you discuss what life would be like with a baby before you had one?"

This. Did he really want a baby OP? You say he isn't the man you thought he was so are these hobbies and self centred lifestyle new since you gave birth? Either way, here you are and I think it's safe to say that he isn't likely to change.

I presume he wanted a baby? If so, he needs to understand that his life has to change. He needs to grow up and accept that fatherhood brings change and responsibilities. Shame he didn't realise that before.

The bowling and the football isn’t an issue in my eyes.

Moaning about doing a nappy and you having to cut your bath short because he can’t cope with the baby is.

I would say find some time where you can leave them alone together so he HAS to step up and deal with all the mundane parts of being a parent to a newborn, but at the same time, when my baby was 9 weeks old I didn’t want to be apart from them at all!

The fact he doesn’t want to engage with the baby, do the nappies and feeds, and spend time with the baby (i.e choosing to go to a car boot when he could be home) is what would worry me. I get that men dont have the same hormonal connection that mothers do in the early weeks/months, but he should still be in a love bubble with his baby and want to embrace his new role as a dad, so the fact he isn’t doing that/feeling like that is something that needs to be addressed.

You don't get to live the life of a carefree, single person when you have children. That's the simple rule.
Another rule is that you don't get to call yourself a parent if you aren't fulfilling the role, duties and responsibilities of a parent.
Don't get married.
Don't have any more children with him.
Make your choices now - wishing you all the best for the future.

Yeah, he's being a shitty husband and a shitty father. Going out one evening a week would be OK if he pulled his weight otherwise, but he doesn't. He could watch the World Cup matches at home but he doesn't want to do that and getting so drunk that he doesn't come home is disgusting. You would probably be better off as a single parent as, hopefully, other people would rally round to help you. His awful and selfish behaviour could tip you into post-partum anxiety/depression.

Does he realize that football can be watched at home and that it is possible to do so whilst not drinking excessively, or even at all? Dh used to stay up with dd in his arms and watch the football when she was tiny. He sounds childish and unkind.

This is a man effectively avoiding his new born and complaining at being asked to “help” look after his own child?
I hope you have support from elsewhere Op as it doesn’t sound as though this man will be any use.

@13062804DT ‘moaning about looking after his own child’ errr he is a parent, like you. He doesn’t get to dip out?

Next he'll be referring to looking after his own child as "babysitting". 🙄

But it’s worse than that. He’s out overnight getting drunk then not coming home. And trying to avoid doing any care for the baby?

He goes out all other nights too to do his hobbies? Not on.

It is very frustrating but there are a lot of steps before you think it’s not worth marrying him -
it’s an incredibly challenging time for both of you - I know my husband felt it very isolating because I and the baby were together all day and then in the evening the baby didn’t want him and he felt awful that he was more or less the reason that they’d cry and for everyone’s sake - considering I’d be sitting there itching to take the baby back or even in the bath I’d be listening - he’d give the baby back and I’d be raging even though I wanted them back! There’s a million little examples of how it’s hard for both of you, don’t give up on him, it’s an adjustment for everyone and 9 weeks is so early - if I’d based my marriage on the first 9 weeks after baby we wouldn’t be here 😅just keep talking to him about it all!

Agree with @whippersnapper55

So far he’s not doing well at parenting or at being a partner to you now.

Ask him to do 50% outside his working hours, including night and early morning parenting.

I’m so sorry he’s turned out to be such a disappointment. Are there any decent male role models in the family that would have a word with him?

When ds was born I had a very strong bond with the baby, and dh didn’t really. He was proud of him, but definitely didn’t have the intense connection. That part takes time to nurture. He was so protective of me though and couldn’t do enough for me. He was very conscious of the ways he couldn’t help - bf-ing, the broken sleep, and he tried to make it up in other ways, doing more cooking, shopping and cleaning. When I was a hormonal mess, he was there with a hug or a cup of tea.

That’s what stepping up looks like. Your fella is running away.

This. He can watch all the late night games he likes… while supervising sleeping baby, winding etc. And let you sleep 9pm-2am or whatever.

This cannot continue. Does he realise how bloody selfish he is.

Firstly, women do not carry babies, they create them. Carry is such minimising language. Secondly, hormones or not, presumably men arent so painfully stupid that they dont understand that deciding to have a baby means that baby will need to be cared for?

Your partner is a man-child. His job isn't just to go out to work. He has a partner and a newborn son, so therefore he has responsibilities. He's not a single man. He should be doing his share of the chores and parenting.

There may be an element of a lack of confidence with regards to looking after your son solo. However, the more he looks after him, the more confident he will become. If you keep intervening, your partner will only be too happy to continue being seen as incompetent, so you take over.

Going out once a week, I don't see an issue with. England matches, aren't necessarily an issue either but why does he need to go to the pub to watch a match? Why does he need to drink? Why does he need to stay at his friend's? None of those things are necessary. He's choosing them. He could watch the matches at home and he could invite a couple of friends over (although you might not want this).

You need a serious conversation with him. He needs to change his mindset. If he doesn't resentment on your partner will build, and you'd be better off being a single parent.

In the meantime, make sure you are using contraception because you don't want another child with this man. He's not proving to be a great Dad.

My husband wasn't like your partner. A decent husband/partner would be bending over backwards to make sure they not only help in the home but with their child too.

This.

Talk to him. Whilst he is at work the baby is your "job" (given you're on maternity leave and the baby is nine weeks old - maternity leave is for this, but it's leave from work and therefore it's your job during work hours only). Outside work hours it's 50/50.

Point this out and ask how he'd like to plan the time - 50/50 can mean doing things together as a family and both being there for the baby equally, or it can mean tag-teaming with you completely off duty when it's his turn, and vice versa.

I imagine he sees the baby as your responsibility (and possibly that babies generally are the responsibility of women).

When our DC were little DP had set jobs. Not that he didn’t do other things but so roles were clear and we didn’t constantly have discussions about who was doing what. So for example he always took over the baby for a period of time when he came in from work so I could have a break/ shower/ cup of tea. He always did bath times during the week (shared at the weekend). This meant there was no asking him to do something and it also gave him confidence in parenting alone. I think a hobby once a week isn’t a bad thing but he needs to pull his weight.

Could you split jobs between you so there’s no chance of him taking the piss or not doing parenting?

I disagree in terms of a man naturally feeling hopeless and overwhelmed. Think it depends on the man and too many have allowed themselves to be feckless.

Letting men off the hook when it comes to parenting continues this myth.

This is something I agreed with my DH before kids. He used to play football 4/5 times a week plus gym. I said I’d not be having any children unless we could agree that he would only be out once a week max. And the expectation to pitch in 50/50 for everything. He stepped up from the start and was just as besotted with DC as me.

you need to have a clear conversation with DH

I don't think the groaning means much. I mean so what? Is he not allowed to be tired.
He could be doing more, but nothing you've said here means you should become a single mother.

He doesn't sound like a bad person. So
maybe have a frank conversation with him instead of getting negative feedback from here.