AIBU to keep raising safety concerns when my partner dismisses them?

[MindDuck]

My partner gets annoyed and has a go at me for worrying too much all the time about things to do with the kids (2+4). But AIBU to tell him/warn him things for what I consider is their safety? For example this morning he made smoothies with them and I looked in the cup on the table and there was a whole handful of whole grapes on the top. I asked what’s that, thinking maybe the kids had thrown them in at the table being silly and he said ‘4 wanted to add a bunch at the end’. Meaning he was happily letting them sip from the cup with whole grapes and considering that fine. I said ‘ok but they’re whole’ to which he rolled his eyes and moved the cup out of their reach. As I walked away he mutters ‘f**king hell’ under his breath. I’m so tired of being considered a nag and not being taken serious when I think that is a pretty dangerous thing!!

I think if you consistently do this, then yeah I’d be annoyed too. 4YO is perfectly capable of whole grapes. The 2YO maybe not to sip on but to eat whilst supervised yes. He’s clearly made these smoothies with them, let them garnish and have some fun with it then you turn up and tell him off.

I think it’s tricky situation and I have been on both ends of this - with a family member who was more cavalier than me and with one who was more safety aware. Both places are hard.

everyone needs to remember they are adults and that parents have equally responsibility to weigh up risks and make decisions. You are not his boss.

you can tell him once but ultimately his parenting is on him. Just think that if you split up he would have the children on his own.

I was probably less consistent about cutting grapes up when our kids were past toddler stage, but i definitely think it’s really stupid to put whole grapes floating in a smoothie- that hugely increases the choking hazard risk. Drinking a slushy drink with big round choking lumps in it??

Like, I can imagine either of us, sleep deprived or not thinking straight, doing something stupid like this back in the day, but if eg I pointed it out to him he’d immediately say “oh yeah, good point!” and fish them out.

I mean there’s dangerous and dangerous.

if he was supervising them and it was added as a garnish I couldn’t get worked up about this.

Well how is he going to know otherwise. Their safety is the priority not his pride. Grapes are very dangerous. I didn’t know this when my children were very small but glad someone told me.

He needs to use his noodle! Yes, the grapes should have been cut and kept out of the drinking cup. You shouldn’t have to be keeping an eye on him all the time. He’s making you nag ffs.

YANBU. With a 2 yr old and a 4 yr old, he should know whole grapes are a choking hazard. If he's that dumb, no wonder you have to police him!

This is not true. Whole grapes are a choking hazard for under 5s.

everything is a guidance, not law. As always, this depends on the child entirely. Both mine were and are perfectly capable of managing whole grapes supervised.

There is a scientific paper which includes a story about a 5yo who choked on a whole grape and died:

https://adc.bmj.com/content/102/5/473

OP, YANBU. You are not nagging. How does DH normally treat you? I think it is all too easy to accuse you of nagging, rather than engage with you on whether or not grapes are a choking hazard.

Picking them up one by one and eating them individually, maybe. Drinking a smoothie in which whole grapes are floating isn’t quite the same - the grape can just swoosh in with a mouthful of smoothie.

Our relationship has pretty much gone to shot tbh since having kids and he’s very narcissistic and angry all the time. I know I probably am very anxious, too anxious in his eyes, but these are our rainbow babies and I lost my BFF very young, I know how short life can be. Also I don’t think there is such a thing as too anxious more common sense when it comes to things like this.

He asked me once ‘how do you know how to do all this stuff’ after we had kids and I was like ‘I look it up’ and he told me ‘well share with me’ but every time I try tell him this ‘knowledge’ he gets angry and thinks I’m having a go at him. I’m not I’m literally trying to remind him or pass on valuable information on how to keep our babies safe and alive!

He had the same reaction when I made it clear I wasn’t happy when he came out with hairdressers with a lolly pop for both of them. Then snatched them out their hands and threw them on the floor in smithereens and got arsy with me that the kids started crying.

I can count on one hand the amount of times mine have both tried grapes.

Cut up into tiny slithers by me, neither of them liked them and therefore have always refused them.

So they aren’t used to grapes at all and have no idea about being careful with them etc. Let alone as whole grapes slipping into your mouth unexpectedly with every sip.

They were running around the room eating and drinking…how can a 2 and 4 year old understand that’s dangerous if the adult with them isn’t telling them so…they are just babies they don’t understand the severity.

I think you were right that whole grapes shouldn't be put in smoothies. But he did do what you said, just not with good grace.

Also, they aren't babies.

You’re right about the whole grapes on top of a smoothie.

However if previously they’ve only ever had grapes cut into “tiny slivers” (rather just in quarters or maybe halves for the 4 yr old) and you refer to your 4 yr old as “just a baby”, I think there might be an element of you being on the overprotective end generally.

OP and @TY78910it is so easy for a child to choke on a grape. My DS did it! He was 3 and sitting sensibly not running around but it still slipped into his gullet and dialling 999 while trying to get the grape out is terrifying! Fortunately I had someone with me strong enough to tip him upside down and bang his back so it was released. I would never ever have whole grapes or olives near a child. It was not something that had occurred to me until it happened. It only takes a few minutes to choke to death.

Oh I feel for you. He sounds like my narcissistic abusive ex. He also used to tell me I was nagging. I wasn’t. I left him due to
domestic abuse - which mostly consisted of him yelling at me out of the blue. Sadly, you might be in a similar situation.

I think it depends on how often you’re correcting him and about what and how you’re doing it. I think it is possible to be too anxious if it means every single thing needs to be done your way. Cutting grapes into slithers is over the top - children need to get used to textures and chewing food properly. He’d made smoothies with the kids, did you acknowledge how good that was for the kids or just pull him up for the grapes. He’s not going to gain confidence in his own decision making if you’re picking at everything he does wrong.

Yes the grapes needed cut up, but there are ways to communicate that. His response isn’t ok but if you’re picking at him, it’s going to get frustrating pretty quickly.

It’s probably going to work better if you don’t directly address him, as that’s seen as criticism.
You could try- Oh yum! You’ve made smoothies with daddy! What fun! Let’s just fish these grapes out and cut them in half to make the easier to eat. Grapes can be a bit tricky because they’re a funny shape!

Generally addressing it to the dc will be better because you will naturally moderate your tone, and you’ll phrase in a way that children can understand which will hopefully work for him too!

His reaction of snatching the lolllipops and smashing them is awful.

however your language here - you making it clear you were not happy about them having a lollipop ( presumably a reward for being good for the hairdresser?) is also not right. You are not the boss. He has taken his DC to have their hair cut and has made a decision to reward them. You may not agree but it doesn’t mean you are right.

It depends doesn’t it. - probably the most risky thing we do with our kids is drive them in cars yet we do this without thinking it’s a risk. We have to be rational about risk and children are exposed to risks every day. They will be adults one day who need to navigate risks for themselves. They won’t be able to do that if we never expose them to any.

What’s annoying is to consistently have to tell the other person the preferred way to do something (could be anything at home) & they won’t comply but call you a nag instead. Just effing do it & we’ll shut up about it…

DH is similar, can’t say anything, he takes it personally. I’m just concerned about the kid, not him! He wouldn’t wash the bottles properly when DS was a baby, just didn’t get it…