AIBU to keep raising safety concerns when my partner dismisses them?

[MindDuck]

My partner gets annoyed and has a go at me for worrying too much all the time about things to do with the kids (2+4). But AIBU to tell him/warn him things for what I consider is their safety? For example this morning he made smoothies with them and I looked in the cup on the table and there was a whole handful of whole grapes on the top. I asked what’s that, thinking maybe the kids had thrown them in at the table being silly and he said ‘4 wanted to add a bunch at the end’. Meaning he was happily letting them sip from the cup with whole grapes and considering that fine. I said ‘ok but they’re whole’ to which he rolled his eyes and moved the cup out of their reach. As I walked away he mutters ‘f**king hell’ under his breath. I’m so tired of being considered a nag and not being taken serious when I think that is a pretty dangerous thing!!

I have the same problem…my DH keeps giving our 20-months old whole grapes to eat, and yesterday he removed the security locks I’ve put on our very low windows because he wanted to fully open them to get more air in. He just doesn’t see an issue with it even after I point out the risk. I can’t ever take time away because I need to constantly supervise him with our son. In the end I choose to nag because I’d rather my husband is annoyed with me but my son is safe, than letting him take these risks.

“I made it clear I wasn’t happy” about lollipops? Fine to have a difference of opinion but it sounds like you don’t stop and think about how to communicate in a way that isn’t bossy and critical. I suspect that has taken its toll over the years.

Did you tell your husband WHY the grapes are dangerous? I think there are so many warnings about babies, that it’s hard to know what’s really a risk.

Grapes are dangerous because they are round shaped, and the size of a windpipe so if one gets lodged, you can’t dislodge it. As it’s a circle and slippy. It’s not like choking on other foods.

They told us on the first aid course when the ambulance is sent ,and it’s for a grape that they know they may be dead by the time the ambulance gets there. You cannot dislodge it, that’s the issue.

They are dangerous for all ages and I still cut them up for my much bigger children after doing that course as it frightened the life out of me.

whole grapes in a smoothie? Reckless and unsafe.
grapes only cut into slivers at age 4? Very much the other end of the spectrum. If this is an example of your overall approach, then I can understand his general frustration. It’s very ott

Of course there is such a thing as too anxious.

You're not ott, if someone was telling me I was doing something that could kill my child then I would say sorry and stop doing it.
It's not the same as driving in a car, it's the same as driving in a car without a seat belt on.
My partner's like this and it's so frustrating.
I don't think you need to dress it up nicely for their ego either, just tell them and if they don't like it then that's on them.

Yes, and clinical anxiety is incredibly inheritable - which is probably in part genetic, but also the impact of growing up with a parent who acts over-anxiously. So there is a potential real harm from it.

Not to mention unbearable to live with…

Having someone around who is more risk adverse than you is infuriating.. because you are always in the wrong. There is no way to argue or defend your actions that it would be "better" to risk your child's safety more.

Imagine though that on the spectrum of risk, you divorced him and ended up with a new Partner who was even more adverse to risk as you, and kept pulling you up on things that you now think are normal, it wouldn't take long for you to get annoyed.

The key would be in finding a way to reach agreements with a bit of adult reasonableness from all sides involved. Which risks are you ok with, which are you not etc. and doing this at a time when something hasnt already happened, and not in front of the kids, where one parent will be embarrassed and have their price hurt.

If you can't have these discussions, rather than needing to pull him up in the moment, you've got a bit of a big problem.

You sound very nice and sensible so I just wanted to gently point out that the expression is “risk-averse” not “risk adverse”.

He asked me once ‘how do you know how to do all this stuff’ after we had kids and I was like ‘I look it up’ and he told me ‘well share with me’ but every time I try tell him this ‘knowledge’ he gets angry and thinks I’m having a go at him. I’m not I’m literally trying to remind him or pass on valuable information on how to keep our babies safe and alive!

Can you find a quiet time, kids asleep both of you not knackered, to have a calm talk that starts with you reminding him of the above "Do you remember when you said..." Reiterate that you are in this together, that parenting is hard in all sorts of ways and that you are not criticising him, as a person, you are assessing the action taken. And that you realise thst sometimes your anxiety takes you to a point that isn't appropriate for the risk posed.....like the lollipops - what did you object to exactly?

The grapes, yes, in a gloopy drink they do present a choking hazard even for adults! But the lollipops...as a PP said just because he made a different choice to you doesn't make his choice wrong.

Some balance, give and take and better communication will hopefully make a difference to you all.

Advise from the NHS and child safety charities is that grapes should be cut up until children are at least 5 years old. OP is just following guidelines to keep her children safe.

I have no idea why you wouldn't follow the NHS guidance to keep your kids safe. You sound as though you think you know better than experts such as paediatricians. You can take risks with your own children but don't encourage other posters to do this.

I assumed that OP meant those round lollies that are about the size of a grape on a stick. A choking hazard if they come off the stick and an injury hazard if a child falls over with one in their mouth.

You think a 2 yr old can eat unsliced grapes safely?

Is there some reason men can't know stuff? They seem to manage all sorts of things day to day. If they can't look up basic child safety it's a poor show

My opinion on the lolly pops was the same as the grapes, they are one of the biggest choking hazards especially to kids under 5.

I told him in the past the reason I get annoyed that every hairdressers has them sat up on the counter when you pay. I’ve explained they are choking hazards the same with the grapes.

But he literally told me after that argument ‘I didn’t know’ which makes me feel like he’s not even listening when it comes to important information.

I did explain that the first time I told him about the grapes…when the first born started solids and a few times since when I’ve seen him try give them whole grapes.

that’s one of the things that annoys me…how many times do I have to remind him that he’s literally putting their lives at risk. If he would just listen and do it I wouldn’t have to say anything and he wouldn’t feel ‘nagged’

Everyone is getting upset by my use of a word here…when I say slithers I mean I would cut the grape in half and then in half again…so if we want to be exact…quarters I cut the grape in quarters like the recommended portion for under 5.

I had some involvement in this case (from an emergency response perspective) and it was fucking horrendous. I still cut my 7yo’s grapes because of it. It will stay with me forever.

I did recently bring that up with him and he said that yeah he does want me to share with him but in the moment he feels like I’m having a go.

Ive literally tried rewording things, saying ‘not having a go just sharing this’ etc, doing it after the moment rather than in the moment etc…it literally doesn’t matter he just loses his cool everytime.

The lollys was also a choking hazard issue.

This is a massive issue me and dp have I'm overly anxious and he just doesn't see the dangers in anything and he gets really moody when I point things out as he thinks I don't think he's a capable dad and I do get it because I wouldn't like it someone questioned my parenting repeatedly but at the same time my kids safety is my top priority.

Exactly!! I get it, yes it’s annoying to have things pointed out all the time….but if it was roles reversed and he told me/reminded me something in regards to their safety I’d be pretty bloody happy to listen.

its not about who did what, who created a risk accidentally or who didn’t know the right information yet…its literally about ensuring going forward our children are given every opportunity to thrive and not unintentionally be at risk.

He is putting his ego ahead of your children’s safety. He is more concerned about being right and you wrong than considering whether there is any merit in what you say.

I think it's a lot easier to say you'd be really gracious about it when you're not the one constantly being told off for decisions you make as a parent.

As I said upthread, there is strong evidence that by exhibiting anxious behaviour in front of them you may be endangering your children's future mental health. I noticed you didn't respond to thank me and say how glad you were that I had brought this to your attention so you could parent better with this new knowledge?