AIBU for thinking who TF does she think she is?

[CFornot123]

Aibu for thinking this is overstepping the fcking mark

Long story so will try to condense and keep to relevant details.

Been with ‘D’H for 13 years (married 6). We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 3. He’s 38, I’m 31. He has been bestfriends with a woman, let’s call her Jane, for 25 years (since they were teens) and there’s never been any romantic history between them.

In general she’s not really my kind of person. She’s quite blunt and a bit rude, uses racist language (I’m Asian) like it’s a casual word and tbh is a bit of a bully. However, knowing she means a lot to my husband, at the start of our relationship I made A LOT of effort to be friends with her and she was even one of my bridesmaids when we got married (the theory being that if she’d have been a guy, she’d have been a groomsman so wanted her to feel involved in the wedding as she Hs best friend). We were on maternity leave at the same time, both had baby girls at the same time (she’s married) etc. but around this same time (so 5 years ago) she stopped engaging with me, started ignoring messages, every plan I made with her she cancelled and then we weren’t invited to her daughters first birthday. Throughout all of this she maintained contact with my husband and they met up regularly for coffee. I raised concerns with H at the time and he brushed it off as “it’s just what Jane does, she’s a bit flaky, don’t take it personally”.

I’ve not spoken to her now for about 4 years, bar the odd hello if she happens to be at a family/friends event (a lot of shared mutual friends/large friendship groups). But she frequently meets up with H for drinks, dinner, brunch, they have regular video calls.

H and I have been going through a lot recently (we relocated from California after spending two years there for his job, I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step. He works very long hours, lots of traveling as we moved to be closer to family as the girls are starting school soon so I said no more following him.

He met up with Jane last Saturday (they’d both been invited to their mutual friends wedding - I wasn’t) and when he came home on Sunday, he asked me to “make some time in my calendar to meet with him on Friday afternoon” (like I’m a business associate…). He told me today that he “discussed me at length with Jane” and THEY had decided that WE don’t communicate in our marriage enough. SHE also, in her expert opinion as a mental health nurse, diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder based on everything she’s heard and seen from my husband over the last 13 years and that he should gently suggest I go to the GP. For context, like (so it seems) every other woman in their 30s I’m undergoing an ADHD assessment (VERY different to BPD).

So my AIBU - wtf has DH been saying to her about me that has led her to diagnose me with BPD after not speaking to me for 5 years? And who TF does she think she is?

We had no falling out, no cross words were said, I simply stopped making an effort with her and suggesting meeting up because she never made an effort with me and somehow that’s my fault and she hates me enough to say I have BPD?

Frustratingly H said she’s sent him to information to read up on about it.

So far I’ve not reacted or responded to H. I told him that I needed some time to process the conversation we’d just had and I’d discuss it with him when I felt ready

Maybe mumsnet isn't for you then.

You started by suggesting that the Op was only in her marriage for money. Then when that ugly suggestion didn’t take off in the way you hoped, you started on with the bridesmaid. It’s obvious you want to blame the Op for something.
The Op raised the issue of the racism and was shut down. They minimised her concerns. Maybe because she was the only target of racism in her group and didn’t feel confident to contradict her husband’s group of friends. Their relationship was obviously unbalanced from the start.

I am not bothered whether anything takes off. It is a forum and people give their opinions. Are you new to forums? Your ugly assumptions do not mean anything.

She accepted too much from the start from her DH and Jane unfortunately.

I know what it literally means, I just think it’s highly flaky to not just say which one and it makes me suspicious that it’s true. Sound to me like someone who has heard the term ‘oxbridge’ and doesn’t realise to refers to two separate institutions.

did you go to one or the other?

I find people use it to be vague

Christ, that's awful!

We have come on leaps and bounds in the last decade in that regard, especially for women, but unfortunately there are always those who will seek to take advantage of a situation and the NHS isn't in the position to deal with kids needing tests in an awfully timely manner, never mind a backlog of people who were missed as kids.

The good news is, good companies do exist to take the pressure off the NHS. Not cheap but a bit of research does separate the qualified from the charlatans.

Not that everyone can afford to do that, obviously.

That is shocking and unbelievably crass.

You had a discussion with him asking him not to talk to Jane about you and he dodges the question, counter accuses you of a list of other things, and then spends all day messaging her about it????

Sorry OP but They wanted you to see those messages.

He could have told her to leave it, but instead he actually displayed them on the car screen. Its easy to fix the settings before driving off. I don't know why anyone would do that on purpose unless it was to wind you up so that they could say Look at her behaviour. Also to put you in your place and demonstrate that Jane is the only person he can talk to.

So sorry OP, that must be so hurtful. Get some professional emotional support and legal help Its very abusive Unbelievable the way your DH is projecting the Boo Hoo I'm the real victim here speech.

"Jane" is trying to cut you out of your marriage. She is after your husband.

It's up to you to decide how cuplable your husband is in this. I think you need to set out what an outsider might see, because he may not actually consciously realise that "Jane" is trying to break up your marriage.

He could be one of those emotionally fuckwitted men, who is passive in the face of a woman's manipulation. But he needs to be told he is sleepwalking into his marriage breaking down.

I think there's a book about this? I saw it recommended here on MN years ago - I suspect it might be Shirley Glass, Not Just Friends.

He needs to know really clearly that his behaviour is leading to a breach of trust with his wife, and that putting the views & feelings of "Jane" ahead of those of his wife's, he is committing a breach of fidelity.

You could always ask him how he might feel if you had a male friend who started texting constantly, told you that your husband was seriously mentally ill, and started to take up your time away from him.

Men are brought up to assume that their actions are always OK, and if he's a career-oriented man, he'll also be invested in the idea that just earning a lot & providing is enough. Clearly it isn't.

Good luck.

Hey OP, just wanted to check in on you? Pls don’t feel like you need to update the thread. I cannot imagine what you must be going through whilst keeping everything as BAU with the children. If you need to talk please message me if that would help. I hope you are eating and drinking as you need to look after yourself more now than ever. Just take your time to process everything and work through some great posts. Sending you a big virtual hug. Take care.

I quit my corporate legal career to basically follow him around the world for his high paying role and have moved 10 times in the last 10 years) due to stress with house moves, redundancy and, me trying to figure out what career to do around the kids following a career in law (I’m a high achiever, degree from Oxbridge) and taking a back step.

Oh, and start working again @CFornot123 Even if it's part-time. A very high flying lawyer friend of mine did an "in-house counsel" job for a while, when she had DC - even though she's been on partnership track with one of the big 4 London law firms (I'm sure you'll know which one!). She had fixed hours and still a pretty massive salary (well, in my view, but I'm an academic so used to a pittance).

She's now a partner in another very big firm - law practices are good at spotting talent and developing it - even if their version of "nurture" is not what the rest of us might think it is!

Update to add - he sent her a message the morning of the wedding they attended at 6am asking her “to come up for a cuddle”…I’ve challenged him because I’m not one to keep quiet. He said nothing happened and I don’t believe him. There’s so many messages where they attack my character and he agrees with her. He’s apologized to me for “confiding in her” but I said it’s deeper than that and he doesn’t get it. There’s messages are both of them spinning how hard their lives are and how they can’t wait for the weekend with one of them saying “if you know what I mean”. I asked him what that meant and he said it meant they wanted an escape but not a physical one…

Oh, I'm so sorry @CFornot123 He's not sleepwalking into an affair - he's running towards it.

He needs a clear ultimatum. How much is his marriage and family worth to him?

Oh god 😞

I would take that as evidence that he’s having an affair. It’s probably been going on years.

Next steps:

• Don’t believe a single thing that comes out of his mouth.
• Get legal advice re: divorce.
• Ask him to pack up his shit and he can go and stay with bestie Jane.

I think you know then. I’m so sorry. He’s a disrespectful, unfaithful coward who thinks you’re going to tolerate being treated as though you are stupid. There is nothing stupid about trying to save a marriage that both people are invested in, but when that’s not the case and you are continually being hurt, it’s time to save yourself. Don’t be the bigger person. Get vindictive. Feel your anger and use it.

Just read your msg at 1.05. So sorry but that's awful "Pull the other one". I hope you have some decent current support for what you are going through and reach out to family and friends if you haven't. It certainly sounds like they've been gaslighting and undermining you as if plain lying weren't enough.

Is she still with her husband? You need to find this out, was he there when your husband spent 10 days back in the UK? Did he stay with them or did they go away together.

Do you know why he lost his job, is there any chance he walked away as he wanted to get back to the UK for her?

Then I would be asking the acquaintances who apparently omitted you form the wedding invitation if you were included in their wedding invitation as you never saw it, and not to worry if you weren't, you know numbers were tight but you just wanted to check?

I think he has crossed the line too many times OP, he needs to go. And once that decision has been made, I would be checking with her husband if he was aware about what has been happening. I wouldn't be surprised if she hadn't distanced herself from you so her husband did not have an opportunity to pick up on issues, or lies she was telling and then of course your husband and she could lie to their hearts content and convince each other that their partners were at fault or mentally ill!

Can you get a copy of his mobile phone bills to see how often he rings her and or access to his bank statements to see if you can evidence what he did when he was back int he UK for those 10 days.

From what you have said, I take it he is letting you read the messages on his phone?

Sorry, these are all just things that would be running through my head.

He is a coward, he doesn't want the inconvenience of splitting up and he is telling you a load of BS. Men are not complicated creatures generally and "come up for a cuddle" only has one meaning. He does "get it" but he will keep lying because he doesn't want to admit it and face the consequences. The fact is, when the shit hits the fan it won't be so much fun for the pair of them.

"Come up for a cuddle" is a smoking gun. Amazing that he tried to deny they are having an affair after that. I'm so sorry.

Lying scum.

I would imagine he will be keen to stay ahead of you plans wise.

Men like to leave when it suits them, not you.

Get legal advice.
Get ahead of your finances.
Emotionally he is so long gone.

Don't believe a word out of his mouth.

And the bit about "looking forward to the weekend, if you know what I mean."

God, OP, I am so sorry.

At least you know the reason for their character assassination, and that therefore there's nothing the matter with you!

I don’t think I can forgive this though so I don’t need to give him an ultimatum. I’ll never trust him again and I’m not going to be one of those paranoid wives questioning everything.

@CFornot123 You MUST do this. I think the answer will be very illuminating. You said you were all friends. I'd bet my Dyson hairdryer that you were invited, too. How very odd that you never saw the invitation. Most people would show their spouse. People tend to admire invitations as they look so nice, and it's quite an important piece of paper! Most would be like "Look! Mike and Sue's wedding invitation is here!"

Yeah, and it's not just the fact that he's blatantly having an affair, is it. It's also the way he's been treating you otherwise.

She’s married to her husband still yes. In a lot of her messages to my H, she talks about how unhappy she is with her step daughter living with them and is very derogatory about a child. It seems like they’ve both spun a narrative to each other that they’re unhappy in their marriages

It would be impossible to trust him after that so you're making the right decision.

Did you take a screenshot of the message to her about cuddling and things like that? Do you have anything in texts etc where he said they discussed you at length and think you're have BPD or was it all said verbally?
You definitely need to protect yourself for if he tries to make out you're unhinged in a custody battle.