Has anyone had success in getting their husband to take on some of the mental load?

[TheOnlyOneWhoCanTHINK]

Posting here for traffic
I am so bloody sick of thinking for everyone in the house.
Today DH got home before me. A parcel had been delivered with apparel for kids activity. He stepped over it, walked into the house, got changed, went back out, stepped over parcel again, and didn't bloody bother picking it up and throwing inside the door.

When I asked him why, he said he didn't think of picking it up. Didn't fucking think of it. Doesn't think of anything. This is is response to everything. Why don't you put the paper from the bread in the bin whenbyoubuse ut up, instead of back in the drawer? I didn't think of it. Why didn't you tell me before you sprayed weed killer everywhere so i could take the clothes off the line? I didn't think of it. Why didn't you change DS nappy before it was so full that it leaked everywhere? I didn't think of it. If I ask him to do something he will do it, but only if I ask. And I have to ask him every. Single. Fucking. Time.

I feel like just throwing in the towel and saying Oh I didn't think of it for every single thing that has to be done, but then only me and the kids will suffer. Because he can think when it's something that affects him.

No way I’d put up with that.

id play him at his own game. Do absolutely nothing for him or anything to do with him. No washing his clothes, no cooking food for him, no anything

Do everything for you...dinner, washing, tidying...when he asks where his 'bit ' is...just say didn't think of it.
Also watch Everybody Loves Raymond season 7 episode 2 called 'Baggage' it is just hilarious..and sums this scenario up completely.
Good luck

He loves the kids very much, but he leans towards giving them whatever they want because he doesn't have as much time with them. Which I think is actually pretty shit parenting if I'm honest.

I think that poster was being sarcastic, because when women post about their shit blokes they nearly always say 'but he's a great dad!' despite posting a list about how much the man openly hates them and neglects their child.

So he thinks you're the default householder do everything. You're in his mom slot.

This is not the mental load. This is basic parental care and performing basic tasks. That he can't or won't do them is frightening. If something happens to you those kids are SOL.

Every time he steps over a package rather than bring it in, he's choosing to ignore that.

He could have poisoned his kids spraying RoundUp or whatever he was using on your kids' clothes. That was a choice to leave them there to be covered in weedkiller spray. That's serious parental negligence. Those clothes should have been tossed.

He chose to let his child wander around with a full diaper instead changing it. That's parental neglect.

Your husband chooses incompetence and neglect and negligence rather than be a functional adult in your home.

Is this what you want to model for your kids? That the husband can be a non functional child around the house like them? That misogyny is ok?

This is what I want to do but it feels mean when he is working and I'm at home much more. However, I feel like if I didn't have to use so much energy on every teeny tiny decision and think of everything for everyone all of the time, I would actually be able to work more...

No, it's not ok at all and I know for a fact that I can't cope with that longterm. It's slowly killing me. If I have to end our marriage I will, but I want to try and fix it first.

I did fix DH, but Mumsnet helped. I posted here and he accidentally read it. He also read a chapter or two of the book wifework. He's not perfect but we have a division of labour that means we each play to our strengths. Fundamentally he recognises that the work involved in running a house and having children isn't just mine / women's work.

Now with DC at different schools we are each in charge of the admin for one school (putting events in the calendar, signing up for things, transferring money for charity events etc)

I tried this- my poor daughter ( I had DS's school) never had lunch money loaded, school trips paid for on time- frankly it was a disaster the final straw was no leaving hoodie. After that I took it on. He had primary responsibility for that school for 5 years, he really didn't get any better.

Do it slowly, a few things here and there...just to inconvenience him..see how it goes. See if he notices.

How do you think you can fix laziness and negligence and neglect?

This is who he is. He's been shown by his mom women are there to do for him. Not vice versa. His sexism is very deep and yelling and discussions are not going to change attitudes that run so deep. Consequences won't either. He'll just not do shit and make excuses.

Try it. Stop doing anything and see what he does.

He won't change and step up where he's been so deeply absent. He'll probably go to his mom's to get food and have his laundry done and complain about you expecting him to be a functional adult at home like changing a diaper so full it's leaking.

well not sarcastic exactly but I have never yet read on here someone who says "but he's a great dad" when he actually is a great dad.

Yes, sorry, there's probably a better word for it than sarcasm, but I can't think in this heat, I didn't mean you meant it sarcastically in a rude way.
It's sad to see so many of these threads of women being treated with such contempt by men.

I get it. I think for most mothers, it's difficult to accept that your child's other parent actually doesn't care that much about them.

My ex husband was horrifically abusive, and I clung to that belief that he was a good dad for a while too, because it was inconceivable to me that their other parent could actually not love them and care about them as much as I did. He left us in no doubt over the following years that he did not, in fact, give one shiny shite about his child, only his image as a good dad.

It's different with DH. He does love them. But his behaviour is not ok, his parenting is not ok, and it needs to change.

I have started writing everything down, so I can give him lots of examples, lest it become all about today's parcel fiasco.

I have also put together a number of hypotheses on why he might think this behaviour is ok, and ask him which one is true. Is it because he just isn't that bright? if so how come his cattle are alive and well? Is it because he doesn't consider our needs and feelings important? Is it because he is simply a misogynistic twat?

I'm not going to go down the route of doing nothing for him, as this will just drag it out, and honestly, if I told him I didn't think of making his dinner he would just tell me its ok and get himself a sandwich.

We're going to have some serious conversations, try and put some kind of plan in place, maybe consider counselling.

If it comes to it, and as much as it would break my heart, I will ask him to move out. My children are not growing up thinking this shitshow is OK.

Thats not mental load. Thats just entitlement and not giving a crap.

Who doesnt think to bring a parcel in?

I think its possible to genuinely "love" a child but not be a good parent. I have put love in inverted commas because my feeling is that if you do genuinely love someone then you absolutely want to do your best for them and that doesnt mean just giving them stuff because that's the easy bit. I hope you can get this sorted.

try "irony" and yes its been too hot this week to think properly.

I would have to bloody interrogate him
Did he see the parcel?
Did he think it was for someone in the house?
When he stepped over it twice, was he aware he was stepping over it?
If he wasnt thinking about moving it, what did he think about it?
Does he behave like this at work? Going around not doing anything because he doesnt think about it? Does he not show any initiative at work?

Jesus. Pass him over to me and give me half a hour with a bright light and a car battery with clips to go on his balls and we'll see what he thinks about.

Of course, what he actually means is these things are beneath him and you are the one who is supposed to do all that tedious stuff that his penis is too mighty to be troubled with thinking about.

Absolutely agree. I mean, we all have our moments where our parenting isn't the best or we take the easy way out, but its when its becoming consistent, thre is a problem.

I said that he does love them, as I was comparing him to my ex, who I'm now convinced is an actual psychopath, who isn't capable of loving anyone. DH is not a psychopath, but he needs to seriously pull his socks up if he doesn't want to end up living with his actual mommy again.

This made me laugh
Do you do house calls?

For this? Hell yes.

The only way it worked for me was to marry a man who took on the mental load from day 1. With previous (useless) boyfriends, i never managed to change them!

Nah. There are men out there that care about their wife and kids and will do anything for them. My dad and by husband are both good examples. Both proactive. My husband does jobs before I've had chance to think of them. I'm a SAHM so do take on a little bit more of the housework but say if a wash needs doing and he sees i haven't done it, he just does it no questions asked.

I divorced a man similar to this. He wasn’t a bad person but he just didn’t enhance family life in many ways. My ex also used to ‘forget’ to change nappies or ‘forget’ to give the children lunch when I was out. It’s neglectful parenting and there’s no excuse for such lazy behaviour.

I insisted on going to counselling which was helpful (for me) as it clarified exactly why I didn’t want to stay married. It can be good to both talk to someone neutral even if you plan to divorce.

I went back to work full time after being part time for many years and I work much further away than dh. So he’s had to do more.