Has anyone had success in getting their husband to take on some of the mental load?

[TheOnlyOneWhoCanTHINK]

Posting here for traffic
I am so bloody sick of thinking for everyone in the house.
Today DH got home before me. A parcel had been delivered with apparel for kids activity. He stepped over it, walked into the house, got changed, went back out, stepped over parcel again, and didn't bloody bother picking it up and throwing inside the door.

When I asked him why, he said he didn't think of picking it up. Didn't fucking think of it. Doesn't think of anything. This is is response to everything. Why don't you put the paper from the bread in the bin whenbyoubuse ut up, instead of back in the drawer? I didn't think of it. Why didn't you tell me before you sprayed weed killer everywhere so i could take the clothes off the line? I didn't think of it. Why didn't you change DS nappy before it was so full that it leaked everywhere? I didn't think of it. If I ask him to do something he will do it, but only if I ask. And I have to ask him every. Single. Fucking. Time.

I feel like just throwing in the towel and saying Oh I didn't think of it for every single thing that has to be done, but then only me and the kids will suffer. Because he can think when it's something that affects him.

Some of these sound beyond being part of the ‘mental load’ the nappy one is just neglect

Yeah. It's not even the mental load I suppose, it's every miniscule thing that has to be done.

I would find this very difficult, the sheer thoughtlessness. Or is it laziness? Or both? Is he ok in other ways, OP?

Ok I’m assuming he can hold down a job? Would he behave like this at work?

No.

i did split stuff off so he was responsible for his own washing.

we had fucking endless house meetings when the kids were teens about the chores. The kids were mostly fine it was him that was shit.

i even did a star chart for him.

we’re divorced now. Apparently he is still as bad with his second wife.

He is very good in so many ways (though right this minutes I am struggling to remember what any of them are).
I have an older DC with additional needs and he has taken them on as his own. He also works long hours, so I accept that I need to take on the lions share of everything at home, but some things I feel would take minimal time and effort and I can't see why he wouldn't just automatically do it.

I should have said in OP that he works long hours and I am part time

I don't see the point in men like this. Just a burden, child neglect and misogyny. Why would he change? It serves him perfectly.

Is there something wrong with him? How does someone step over a parcel on the step twice and not think of picking it up and putting it in the house?? Did he grow up with servants? Did you marry King Charles by mistake?

How on earth do you find him attractive and want to have sex with him? this would do a number on my libido.

No idea what you can do because this seems deliberate - in which case nothing will help that level of nastiness or really really unable to cope with normal life.

DH is slightly better now that he has retired. Making things his specific responsibility helped ( eg rubbish,including emptying,cleaning bins, making sure there's new binbags, dealing with any necessary dump trips, dealing with food that has gone off ( though I have to tell him about the last one, he will leave a pan with food in it for a week while doing daily washing up ). He is also responsible for car stuff and preparing for journeys, and is the main driver.
Otherwise things are fairly haphazard, he may or may not remember to do things. Using reminders on his phone for regular things helps, keeping an online shopping list that he can easily access helps, but bottom line is tht although he has improved, I still carry about 75% of the mental load.
When the DC were young and he was working shifts, I did about 95%, so that is an improvement. Sorry, I'm sure that's not what you wanted to hear.
On the plus side, 2 of our 3 sons manage to adult very well, and would be embarrassed if their partner had to take on more than half the load.

Did you marry him fresh from his momma's house? He sounds like he's never had to live on his own and adult for himself without someone to do everything for him, like first his mom then you.

He can't change a diaper or not spray poison on kids' clothes because he's lazy and stupid and negligent as a parent. This is a boy playing at being an adult in his home life and failing miserably.

I bet he doesn't underperform at work like this or he'd be out of a job. It's a choice every time and he chooses to make your life harder and his easier.

The thing is, I don't think he is doing it intentionally. His mother definitely did everything for him. I just think it's male entitlement more than anything. He doesn't see it as anything to do with him.
He is good at his job and also keeps a large number of livestock alive. So he's not an idiot.

He’s a selfish cunt and only thinks of himself as only he himself and him are important. The only way you fix this is become a single parent which actually is a lot easier believe me!!

I don’t think these are mental load type stuff - to me that’s more remembering to buy his mum and sister a birthday present or similar or remembering to pay for son’s prom. The stepping over the parcel is just selfish. Need to have a conversation on why he thinks not if it is his responsibility.

I left the class WhatsApp group (secondary) so DH paid for the prom ticket and similar stuff.

I think men only do things that they care about/that benefits them ie their work. Therefore they just don’t think about the other stuff. They are inherently selfish is what it boils down to.

This has nothing to do with mental load, those examples are just pure laziness

I think that's it. Laziness. Even though with the hours he works it's like he couldn't be lazy. But as someone said, that benefits him

DH is of an age now where he doesn’t remember why he opened the fridge, let alone why he walked into the room. Drives me mad. He’s too busy doing video calls with all his mates to be of any use round the house, though of course he thinks he’s brilliant because he went to Waitrose while I was recovering from bunion surgery. Stellar!

I actually repeated my husband's minimising excuses back to him and it sort of worked. I also stopped picking up his slack in petty ways so if he left kitchen cupboards open so did I if he didn't put a wash load on I'd just do my delicates and he'd run out if clean pants. I stopped eating and buying bread and milk. His phrases were I didn't see it, I didn't know it needed doing you should have told me etc. I also say please don't use my brain you have your own.

I would have divorced of my husband wasn't able to carry an equal part of our family.

Assuming your husband diesn’t have learning difficulties, he needs to shape up. Getting him to do that might be a challenge. My husband is absolutely amazing but it was still a journey for us even though he was good starting material in that he was really interested in the kids and being a hands on Dad.
I would try the following:

1. Go away for a long weekend, leaving him with strict written instructions on the baby’s routine. Being in sole charge for a few days really opens their eyes.
2. Talk to him. Explain that you cannot do everything and he needs to pay attention in your home.
3. Get him to do a task while you are doing a task. Eg while you are cooking he sorts laundry. While you do bedtime he cleans the kitchen. That stops them sitting watching football while you fly around.
4. Assuming you aren’t a stay at home mum, make sure school have his number and email.

That's not mental load OP. That pure not caring with a smattering of child neglect thrown in.

You're married to a man who doesn't know how to adult. You can't fix that.

1. Go away for a long weekend, leaving him with strict written instructions on the baby’s routine. Being in sole charge for a few days really opens their eyes

that's really not fair on the baby..

go on say it. Hes a great dad.

I have left the children in his care and everyone survived. It's like he knows that he needs to engage his brain for 24 to 36 hours when I'm gone (this is not a regular thing at all). I would need to do a certain amount of catch up when I get back. And he'll give me a full report on all the things he did while I was gone, like telling me he put on the dishwasher, he let out tje dog, he folded the towels, he read a story, etc. I usually do a slow clap following this report 👏

I did! After being a SAHM for a few years, I was still the default parent for everything kids related. At one point I told DH he was 100% in charge of

• everything sports related: buying kit, labelling it, washing it, making sure everything came back from school, moulding mouthguards, making sure bags were ready on PE day etc.
• everything kitchen related except meal planning: putting away food deliveries, cooking, washing up, emptying the dishwasher, buying tablets / rinse aid, cleaning surfaces, etc

I find it easier to not micromanage / do things for him when I know he is 100% in charge. I don’t remind him to do things - he had to fit mouthguards at 9pm before the first games lesson of the year once, now he remembers to do it in advance.

Now with DC at different schools we are each in charge of the admin for one school (putting events in the calendar, signing up for things, transferring money for charity events etc)