AIBU to reflect upon my own childhood and realise how I would have perceived my own DC and ‘current’ me?

[HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMn]

I grew up fairly poor although I didn’t feel like I ever went without anything. I lived in a small terrace with just my mum and siblings but went to school in the ‘posh’ area. I never remember feeling poor, but it was clear that the other kids had more eg. They lived in much bigger houses (I remember thinking how posh their houses were every time I went to my friend’s houses, one even had an en suite!!), went abroad at least once a year, had both parents present and had more expensive clothes (they could afford Top Shop!!).

DH had a similar upbringing.

Me and DH were discussing last night how about how you don’t really realise how things change over time. We now live in a very mumsnet naice area, can afford multiple abroad trips per year and our children have very different lives to ours when growing up. Our house is by much bigger than my old school friend’s that I was once so impressed by and our DC go to private school (neither of us had even met anybody as a child that went to private school!). If our kids went to the schools that we did, they would probably be seen as the posh rich kids which just seems insane to us.

We still feel barely different to how we did growing up but yet our life says otherwise and we can’t really pinpoint where the change happened. We’re far from super well off, but it just seems so strange to reflect back to our childhood and realise how our lives now and our children’s lives are so different to what they once were. It made us laugh thinking about how childhood us would consider us super rich and posh (I don’t think either of us had ever even been in someone’s house that had over 3 bedrooms as a child!).

Anyone else similar?

Me too. Middle class upbringing by working class patents if that makes sense. Both parents worked. My sister and me had tennis lessons, music lessons, dance classes. Holidays abroad. Nice clothes. I couldn’t care less who lives where; a friend on the other hand who grew up in a council place with lots of other kids, a feckless father and free school meals is obsessed with who’s got what, who lives where and where she comes in the pecking order. And I mean obsessed to the point of spiteful jealousy. As I say, it’s hard wired into the brain.

Don't bite your tongue. Tell them.

This is very similar to me! Although I didn’t go to a university anywhere near as good as Cambridge!

I agree that your current view (and view of your past) is out of touch.

Agreed

sounds like all her mates were lower middle given the op hazards a guess that knowing someone on £40k would have been highly unusual.

But then says they all went travelling for their gap years whereas she had to work?

and this is all only 20 years ago… a single parent low income would have been supported substantially by generous tax credits back then,

and now seems to regard herself as comfortable but nothing particularly unusual but throws in that privately educates her children

odd

Very different to the op

You grew up in a small house and now live in much bigger house than your ‘posh’ friends from school lived in, can send 2+ children to private school and go on multiple holidays, flying business class/long haul but ‘can’t pinpoint’ when this change happened’?! Surely it was when you both got well paid jobs?

Yeah this post is just bait I think. Although obviously she’s made it a bit too subtle
as it hasn’t started the drama she’d hoped.

She talks about barely going abroad before 18 and is now 34. So she can’t pinpoint where in those 16 years the change happened? It’s a pretty short timespan.

I’m getting the vibe she just wants some sort of validation. A pat on the back.

I went the other way. I grew up far wealthier than I am now. I won't inherit either because my dad remarried someone younger.

Perfectly encapsulating in one post why the planet is fucked.

I think - there's absolutely no need to be mean about the OP!

She's not complaining, she's not boasting or gloating. She's just pondering about the differences between her and her children's lives now, and her own childhood. and the big differences in lifestyle. It's strange how people's lives can change.

And she's asking for other people's experiences. Nothing wrong with that.

Also my mum never had to work while I earn a decent income. But I'll still never be as wealthy as she is.

It is strange to reflect on these things sometimes.

I grew up in a big house in a nice area, but that was back when it was possible to afford to buy a big house on just one very average salary.

Today, DH and I live with the DCs in a much smaller house but in one of the most expensive areas of the country so strangely our house is worth more than my parents'.

Most things about mine and my children's childhoods are the same in terms of material things. But my childhood was a miserable shit show of arguments, domestic violence and parental alcoholism. I love that my kids now are having the settled, stable, loving childhood that I should've had. It's nice watching them become the best versions of themselves that they can be rather than having their emotional and psychological growth stunted by fear and emotional neglect. They're very outgoing and high achieving go-getter types. At their age I was already traumatised and selectively mute.

I love this thread OP, thanks for sharing it. The post about your mum proudly bringing the M&S home is so sweet. She obviously did a great job giving you such a happy childhood, on her own. I would say that is what has taught you to be grateful for what you do have in your life.

It has all got me thinking about my childhood and how i'm raising my child now. I would have been the friend in the huuuuge house that you might have visited. When we go to school reunions now the other attendees tell stories of how they went home crying after our parties saying to their parents how their entire home could fit into our two sitting rooms.

However while our house was beautiful on the ground floor, we wore designer clothes and had 5* holidays my father was a miser and financially abused my mother. She was always anxious and panicking. We didn't have central heating or hot shower or even carpet upstairs. She was constantly poring over financial statements trying to figure out how to make things stretch. When she eventually left him he made things even worse and our utilities would regularly be switched off and I had secondhand clothes from the refuge she worked nights at, leave me alone petrified.

Money aside, my childhood was very distressing and my only happy memories are from times I spent in other people's houses. I used to watch family sitcoms on TV fantasising about living in a family with laughter and love.

I am now very proud of the experience I'm doing my best to give to my DC. I spend at much time as possible with them. We don't live in an affuent area and live well within our means so we are not anxious about money. They always see loving displays and we do loads together as a family. I'm sure when they are adults I will hear plenty I did wrong but I'm certainly doing my best.

You didn't grow up 'poor' if you had holidays...

How long have you been on Mumsnet 🤣

I think I can relate - grew up in council house but in rural Scotland - there was plenty of money sloshing around for booze and fags (both parents enjoyed those vices) but we were never well off nor totally poor. Living pay check to pay check and no holidays except visiting family down south. It was not relaxing at home as my parents despised each other mostly verbal but occasionally physical arguments.

fast forward to today I have one daughter - single parent - I’m not well off but I can afford my life and travel is absolutely part of that - first plane my DD went in was at three months old and we have been all over Europe, Asia and no matter how I explain this was so different from my upbringing she’ll never get it!!!

more importantly our home is peaceful and there is no man around causing issues. I’m pleased I can do that for us. Peace is so important ❤️

Sending your DC to private school and flying them long haul/business class does make you rich. Possibly not posh because being posh isn't just about having money. Just because you might also go on a caravan holiday doesnt mean they are slumming it in any way and they are not receiving anything like a working class childhood, even if you try to kid yourself that you are somehow staying true to your wc roots.

Its nice that you've been able to give them these things but dont try and pretend that you aren't rich or that your DC have any idea what its like to go without.

I grew up "poor". We lived in a back to back terrace, my mum was largely on benefits and I didn't have a lot of what the other kids had. Now I'm still "poor" compared it seems to many on here. We get by but I still live in a terrace house, we only have one bathroom, holidays are the tent in a local camp site usually. I hope those who go up the financial ladder remember where they came from and don't pull it up behind them.

How would you like them to help you?

You have the freedom to choose though.

I have an ok salary and live in the North. I buy 29p noodles all the time because I like them as they're a quick meal that I genuinely enjoy. The price is somewhat irrelevant; its fine when like me you can also buy smoked salmon, steak, golden yolk eggs etc and not about scrimping.

You ARE super well off if your kids go to private school. I grew up similar. I’ve also done better than my own parents. But you are very different people now, to who you were when you grew up. You are now very out of touch if you can’t appreciate just how wealthy you now are.

Oh the Op’s kids don’t go to private school! I’d put money on it 😆