AIBU to ask my child to do prep for 11+ entrance papers and homework?

[Pigwig22]

Sort fof looking for advice but posting with AIBU for visibility.

My nine yo is dyslexic, and can struggle with school work. She generally gets there, but we have to take a bit longer to embed the knowledge. She particularly struggles with tests and has very low self esteem when it comes to school work.

We have found some private schools we would really like to send her to as we feel they would be the best environment and support for her, and have the means to do it.

They are not super selective, but they still have tests and an interview. The only one I have found with no test, we would have to move to send her to as we are not on the bus network and that presents several challenges.

She was asking me about the schools and I explained there are tests and an interview so we should do some prep for them, but they are not like the grammar tests. She flipped out about it.

She got very upset, said she can't do them, that she is worried she won't get in. Complete meltdown. We said it doesn't matter, if you don't get in it won't be the right school for you.

But we do really believe these are the right schools for her and we really do need her to sit them with the right attitude and to try her best. I would like to do soft prep, not talking major tutoring, but 2-3 half hour practice sessions a week on Atom or something.

She also frankly needs to be doing this amount of homework to keep up at school and I don't want her to fall too far behind.

But I worry the more I push her the more she fights it and her self esteem seems to take a battering.

She goes to a compeitive, test focused school where 70% of the kids will go to top grammars and they have high levels of greater depth across KS2 sats. We don't actually live in a grammar area, but next door so these kids really do get high marks. They are also all hyper aware so lots of comparison at school between results and some of the kids are quite mean to her about her results.

So, the second part of my question is, should we take her out of this high pressured environment and put her in the private school earlier (she still needs to do test and interview, but no other children will be doing it so less competition I guess). She does not want this as she wants to stay at school with her friends.

Any tips on how I can foster a more healthy approach and attitude to homework and tests and help her self esteem? I should add she is brilliant at other things including art, sport and non verbal reasoning. But she still always fixates on how she thinks she is still not the best at these...

I have bought her journals, spoken about how everyone has things they find hard and easier, spoken to her teacher about the way tests and results are handled in school and focused on her effort rather than her score when she does do well.

What is wrong with your local state comp?
Genuine question.
They will have kids of all abilities so your DD won't be slowest/worst. What is their SEN offer like?

My dd sat a private school entrance test, as a back-up should she have not passed the 11+ for grammar. I spoke to the private school about the likelihood of being offered a place and was informed that unless the test result showed signs of difficulties they couldn’t cater for then a place would be offered.

So from experience the private school tests are not based on how smart the student is like the grammar schools are.

If they can cater for your dd needs and you can pay the fee then she’ll get the place.

Just explain to your DD that they just want to see what she can do and what she struggles with so they can make sure they can help her should she attend - it’s not a test as such.

It’s in special measures.

There is one other that last 2 years we would have been in catchment, but now will likely fall out of catchment as they are cutting a form group.

But being frank, I want to go private as a state education cannot provide the same level of support as a private school for a dyslexic child when you consider the funding and class size differences.

There is also all the added benefits of the extra curricular offer that will suit my DD.

The schools have told me they are selective and not everyone gets a place. I’m not sure how true that is… particularly with the VAT now.

I have told her it’s nothing like the grammar test, but I could tell a white lie to my DD and say it’s not to get in. Not sure what to say about the interview, which she freaked out about as well.

You in my area. We can't afford private school and it's 11 plus or a secondary school that has a super head but no teachers and still using the temporary buildings put up 4 years ago as no one can physically still go into the school. That means no access to the gym, the kitchens, the design and technology rooms or any specific teaching rooms so all the staff left. They managing of temporary staff who understandable don't stay long. My child at present wouldn't pass 11 plus and we put of catchment to the other secondary school which can't take every single child in the town. I don't know what to do at the moment...move is the only option

When would she be sitting the papers? This autumn or the following one?

If it’s next year I would leave it for the summer. Then in the Autumn go to the open days and possibly get her a tutor. A third party may be a better option than you teaching her.

Are you willing to name the schools? People may have experience of them.

I would suggest starting a separate thread asking about the schools.

your child knows that they struggle in tests and at school. Switching to private rather than state may ir may not change that - we didn’t apply for quite a few privates because they didn’t offer the support our child needed.

your child is likely to be very worried about letting you down as they know full well they do badly in tests and you are signalling to them you really want this.

Have you done a school tour with her of the school you think best suits? I'd do that. She'll see whats on offer and may want to move schools just based on that.
But ultimately, if you intend to move her for her own good, I'd say call the interview "meeting your new teacher so they can get to know you" and the test "assessment to see how they can help you best". And just tell her its happening. I wouldnt tutor or prep for this.

If she is dyslexic then the all the schools should be offering extra support for exams. My son is autistic and has movement breaks, extra time, and a even a scribe when he's being especially difficult. You do have to ask for these things though as most schools won't offer them without a fight.

Will she be allowed any assistive technology for this test or what concessions are the schools willing to give her in light of her dyslexia?

If she melts down at the thought of homework she’s not suited to the private schools that are selective, I’m afraid

I have but didn’t get many replies... Radnor and Farringtons are top targets

In my experience the ‘entrance test’ days at the more non-selectives are more about getting to know the child than sitting them down with endless formal tests.
If your daughter is achieving at ‘expected’ level at primary school she should be fine.

The VAT really has hit the schools that aren’t super selective so they are very keen to recruit.

Edited to add this is my experience of Surrey. I’m not familiar with Kent schools.

The test is 50% of decision other 50% is interview and school reference. It’s not academically selective, but I think depends if they are over subscribed they obviously take the higher ranking children. I think they will mainly be trying to route out any behavioural problems tbh, they’re not academically selective.

Our top choice said they will disregard spelling and give more time

There is obviously an element of that though? Or there wouldn’t be a test.

We’ve been round 30 schools (mixture of state and private and ones we’d have to move for) and picked 2 we could stay put for and 2 we’d have to move for that we feel could suit her needs. Met all the heads and Senco leads.

A LOT of work has gone into choosing schools and so yes I’m sure my DD has picked up on that and is now worried she will let us down. Not sure how I communicate to her that we’ve picked these schools precisely because they should help and the test is nothing to worry about.

fundamentally, if she doesn’t pass then I was wrong about the schools and they’re not for her!

Op can you get her a tutor ? Do reseaech and make sure they understand Sen .
A tutor takes the pressure off you and can help to build her confidence.

I’d suggest in that case going to the open days and asking questions.

for example, at one of the senior schools we were looking at it was made clear that new students to the school (ie not coming up from their prep) would not be allowed to access extra suppprt in school time or drop a foreign language.

this wasn’t suitable for our dc who struggled with English and struggled even more with foreign languages (his prep let him drop one and he was technically in lessons for the other one but routinely got 0 in tests) so we sent him elsewhere.

you do need to know the detail.

My DD wanted to try for 11 plus and we got tutors and it really gave her a boost anyway ! She decided not to sit it but having extra tutors doesn't harm .
It's very different having someone devoted to you working with you in terms of work.

Sorry posted before you replied

We have the funds to send our DC to private school, we chose not to. She’s not the right personality for it. She not the right academic ability for it. We as a family probably wouldn’t ‘fit in’.

Even with a secondary in special measures you can supplement learning outside of school. Where are her friends going? Where does she want to go?

Yes, but there are levels of selective and having looked round 30 schools I think we’ve found the best ones for her. But if she doesn’t get in, then fundamentally they’re not right for her.

That’s fine, then we’ll go with our back up that has no test but we will have to move for - although the fact there is none makes me assume they are desperate and won’t survive the VAT. All the private schools near us have tests unfortunately.

Presumably they have pretty high standards - what will she do when she has to do homework?

Speaking as someone who went to two
different private schools, there are a wide range of private schools out there - I think you’d be surprised on the make up of them and who they are catering for, not all are academic. All we are aiming for say they are mixed ability and one has a niche with dyslexic children.

I went to a selective private school with parents who grew up in council housing and I never felt I didn’t fit in.

VAT will change this as it will make them out of the reach for more people, but there is a wide range of people who go.

It’s not just that the school is failing, after a lot of research, I believe these are the schools that can offer the best, rounded education for my DD.

Her friends will go to grammar. She wants to go to one of the private schools.