AIBU to feel resentful about my partner's child and lack of boundaries?

[BlendedFamilyHELP]

First time ever using a forum! This is something I’ve struggled with for a while. I have been with my partner for a few years now who has a 9 year old child from a previous relationship. It is difficult in that the child is very spoilt, and there is not much boundary or discipline put in place by either parent. My partner is very tunnel vision and will let the child get away with almost anything, which is translating into the child having little respect for myself. I find myself struggling more as the child gets older as their behaviour continues to worsen - tantrums, screaming, shouting, they are even physical towards their other parent - and I’m starting to see they are also quite manipulative when it comes to getting their own way. I often feel like I’m not respected or listened to in my own home and I do fear the future as the child continues to get older, but I don’t feel like I can’t talk to my partner about this as they see the child as to put it bluntly, perfect. It can feel quite lonely as none of my friends are in the same position. But I do really love my partner and overall we have a great relationship, so walking away is not something I consider currently, but I’m not sure they would ever take a conversation about their child well. And I really hate to say, but it’s all led to resentment of the child. Open to any advice or similar story sharing!

That sounds very difficult. I'm not sure what I would suggest!

You're blaming a 9 year old when its your boyfriends fault

Does the child live with you and your partner 50/50? How long have you lived together? And, been together? I would expect the child to treat you with courtesy and respect, and that you can be clear about. You can also be clear about your own boundaries - what you will do with and for the child (and not). The parenting/discipline you should leave to the parents.

How much does child stay with you, who’s house do you live in and do you want your own child?

What are your future intentions for this relationship? You obviously can't have children with him because he's a terrible father.

You don't know if he's a terrible father , the op sounds very resentful and jealous of this child .

Being a parent is hard work. Unfortunately some parents who divorce are afraid of being "the bad guy"; the one who enforces rules and gives consequenses for bad behaviour because they feel guilty about the divorce and/or have a popularity contest with the other parent. It's neglectful parenting. A child needs boundaries and rules just as much as it needs love. It gives them security and prepares them to live in a society with other people. Because dad and mum might ignore bad behaviour but school won't and friends won't.

I wouldn't be able to be with a man who didn't take parenting seriously. They are creating a monster and if I were you @BlendedFamilyHELP I would not stick around to see how this works out because I can assure you that if it's bad at 9 you're in for a ride come the teenage years.

Your partner isn't being a good parent - it takes time and effort to bring up a child and part of that is discipline and guiding them to behave in a way that allows them to function in society. Your partner is failing at this. I wouldn't have any respect for my partner if this was the case. You say you have a good relationship but you can't even communicate your concerns about their child's behaviour! That's not a good relationship in my book 🤷‍♀️

Id seriously reconsider a relationship where i'd seen that he wasnt a good parent, let the child run amok and didnt correct.

You're consodering tying yourself to this child for the next 20 odd years if you stay with this man. Even worse if you get pregnant.

Just end the relationship and move on, find someone who aligns to your values. He obviously doesnt.

This sounds like classic single dad guilt, he’s overcompensating and gets defensive because he feels guilty his child is split between two homes.

I have a 9 year old step son and it’s taken a long time and many difficult conversations with my partner to get to a point where he doesn’t take well intentioned things I say as an attack on what he sees as his failure.

It’s so complex, there’ll always be difficult situations to navigate and the only way it can work is if you can both find a way to communicate, you are respectful of their parent/child relationship and they are respectful of your boundaries. The resentment will only grow if this is not resolved and that will mean the end of your relationship because his child will always come first.

Also, be mindful that Mumsnet loves to hate step mums and there will always be people who, no matter the circumstances, will say you’re in the wrong.

Walk away. It's never going to change.be thankful that you don't share a child.

Poor child has over indulgent crap parents who have taught her to be like this. If you have children with him, you’ll be doing all the parenting.

Ultimately if your bf doesn't parent in a way you support then resentment is inevitable imo.
I had dc and my exh did also. Destined to fail when he was Ultimately a terrible df..

From the way the OP is carefully written, I'm assuming the parent concerned is a woman?

Is it your house solely? If so, I'd be telling dad he needs to see his child elsewhere, parents house, hotel or whatever. This will only get worse.

Does it not give you the ick?

You can't stay with your partner if you resent their kid.

And they're a shitty parent. Things are not going to improve, especially when you've got physical assault going on.

Leave. Or if it's your house, tell them they need to find another place to live.

'Resentment of the child'.. I think you need to leave.

The child is going to get worse and your partner is not going to change his parenting ways. I feel like the damage is already done. I’ve dated two men who had kids and both of them would spoil their kids. I decided early on that I would not be having kids with either of them and eventually I left both relationships - In my second relationship, the child was a major factor, but not the main factor. I just knew that I could not gel with his parenting. So many times I wanted to interject and say something about his parenting, but I couldn’t because it wasn’t my child. I decided I do not want to date a man with kids because my experience with them has been awful.

If this isn’t something that you think can be fixed by speaking with your partner, And you can’t put up with it , then I think you’re going to have to leave. It’s scary that the kid is violent because in a few years there’s a strong chance that he will be taller and stronger than you.

He’s a bad parent, and actively working against his own child having a decent future as a robust capable adult. I wouldn’t love or respect this man, if you have kids be a good, responsible, active parent if you want to be in a relationship with me as anything else is so unattractive, and deeply depressing having to watch the harm it does to a child, in your own home.
How about:
’im sorry, I like you a lot, but you are not parenting well. Bobby is not learning boundaries, responsibility, good work habits or emotional resilience and these are fundamental. I can’t watch this in my home- if you want your child to he a robust happy adult you need to do so much more and you aren’t. I get you’ll disagree with me, this is a major topic, and we can’t continue as a couple.’

It doesn't matter whose fault it is. It's making you miserable OP.

Get out now because it will only get worse. Don't waste your time being miserable. Your dp doesn't respect you, and his child knows that, and knows they can get away with almost anything without consequences. The teen years will be hell.

🖕Take heed OP. This is the best advice you're going to get.

Boundaries are where you draw the line and what you choose to do about it.

So you can choose to stay, or you can choose to leave. But you can’t force anyone else to change and it doesn’t sound like they want to anyway.

Not the child's fault they are parented poorly, that is on your partner and their ex.
I'd cut your losses, it's not like they are suddenly going to both parents differently, and the resentment will grow harder to bear over time.

He's a lazy parent who puts what is easy and suits him ahead of rearing his child properly.
You still find that attractive and acceptable in him.
Men like this are selfish losers IMO.
Women with self esteem wouldn't want to be around this.
This will get a lot worse during the teen years.
But if you are happy to hang around for all the drama to come, that's your choice.
It's a complete waste of your life though.

PPs aren't wrong that your partner is a terrible parent, and you are blaming a 9 year old child and focusing your resentment on her instead of on your partner where it belongs. But I'm not sure you're ready to hear that message.

What you can do (and ought to do, for the child's sake as well as yours) is stop living with your partner. Move out and date. Only see your partner when their child is not with them. Focus on your relationship with your partner but give them the space they need to be there for their child without you around. DO NOT under any circumstances have a child with this partner. That would be a truly nasty way to screw up two children's lives.