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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask why ADHD and autism are dismissed as disabilities?

287 replies

SummerAtaris · 24/06/2026 16:12

There’s been a tonne of threads about benefits recently and there seems to be a recurring theme that ‘only the most severe disabilities should get any help’ and they almost always mention that people suffering with MH health issues, or ‘non issues’ like ADHD should be cut off from help. I’d like to know what those people in particular think adhd is, and why they don’t consider it to be a disability.

I am 44 years old, I have level 1 autism and ‘combined type’ adhd. I have worked since I left school at 16. I raised my eldest 3 children from my first marriage by myself, all 3 are diagnosed with varying degrees of neurodivergences (didn’t know that at the time)

I am now married to a wonderful man, and we have children together, they are also ND.

It is a challenge every single day to just make myself wash & brush my teeth. And I need to try and herd 2
other people with the same issues to do the same.

I am massively in debt, because the filter that everyone else seems to have that tell you, no don’t do it, just isn’t there.

I literally cannot sleep. I try. But my brain is almost always stuck in a loop of catastrophising, and is running a chorus of a song that I hate over and over and over and there’s nothing I can do about it. When I do sleep I’m still catastrophising and have incredibly vivid nightmares and wake up sad, anxious and depressed and I can’t shake off my dreams easily.

I go from 7 or so days of zero sleep, then pass out and am comatose for 48-72 hours approx.

I forget to eat, I forget to drink water. I don’t know that I need the bathroom until my bladder is literally about to burst.

I suffer from boredom so extreme that I’ve attempted suicide multiple times.

‘Masking’ takes everything that I have. By the time I get home after any social event (by event I mean anything that needs me to present as a ‘normal’ person, school drops offs, appointments etc) leave me gasping for breath, physically stimming to the point my muscles are crying out and I still can’t stop, endlessly ruminating over conversations I had to participate in against my will.

This is not a comprehensive list. I’ll remember this post for the rest of my life and there will always be things I should have added to it.

My body is perfectly fine. I’m not disabled in that way. But my brain, my bodies operating system, IS disabled. I’m so tired of hearing that adhd and lower levels of autism are not disabling. They absolutely fucking are. I manage the school run these days and that’s pretty much it. I haven’t been able to work for around 8 years now.

Go ahead. Tell me how you’d employ me.

OP posts:
BravasPatatas · 24/06/2026 17:29

Sheismycherrypie · 24/06/2026 17:28

Yes we know that yet SO many people claim for it and that’s what’s driving the rise in claims

They wouldn’t be awarded it if they couldn’t prove that it caused them significant difficulties though.

Geoprint · 24/06/2026 17:30

Sheismycherrypie · 24/06/2026 17:25

OP isn’t in work and won’t be paying taxes no matter what we do

Absolute rubbish. I have 6 autistic people in my family, 4 of whom have been very ill, with 3 repeatedly hospitalised and under multiple high level services,4 are in work, 2 are studying to gain work. 5 have needed reasonable adjustments, EHCPs and a lot of support, 2 have PIP.

Without support you’d have 5 out of work and very unlikely to contribute to society.

SummerAtaris · 24/06/2026 17:33

Sheismycherrypie · 24/06/2026 17:27

If your kids are sad and unfed despite the benefits then there’s no point in them. No excuse for that whatsoever. You chose to be a mother - their wellbeing comes before yours.

My kids are not starved… I’m saying on my worst days, when I’m paralysed that’s all that runs through my mind. That I’m not being the mum they deserve. That they’re better off without me. Which I absolutely do not agree with.

OP posts:
likelysuspect · 24/06/2026 17:33

User97463 · 24/06/2026 17:07

Because it does not always manifest itself as a disability? I know multiple people who became self-made millionaires as a direct result of their autism/ADHD traits combined with very lucky circumstances that allowed them to monetise their special interests and talent.

I would go as far to say that the majority of extremely successful artists, musicians and entrepreneurs are all on the ADHD spectrum. Being ND is just having a brain that's wired and works differently. The actual manifestation of the symptoms vary hugely depending on living situation, wealth and privilege.

Edited

Yes this.

Someone can have the condition but not be as affected by it as someone else. Thats the same for many illnesses and disorders.

The other narrative that has been really damaging around these conditions is the 'Ive got a superpower', a specialness. No other disability or illness is spoken of or treated like that. Akin to this concept of 'being my true self/me', which then translates as just personality quirks

It cant be both.

Larrythecatforpm · 24/06/2026 17:33

SummerAtaris · 24/06/2026 17:33

My kids are not starved… I’m saying on my worst days, when I’m paralysed that’s all that runs through my mind. That I’m not being the mum they deserve. That they’re better off without me. Which I absolutely do not agree with.

You literally said you see them sad and unfed. So what is it op? do you feed them or are they unfed?

Geoprint · 24/06/2026 17:34

Sheismycherrypie · 24/06/2026 17:28

Yes we know that yet SO many people claim for it and that’s what’s driving the rise in claims

Only 7 to 10% of all working-age autistic people claim Personal Independence Payment (PIP).

You don’t get it for a diagnosis but how it impacts life. Even when it severely impacts life it is hard to get PIP as it’s very specific.

ABOOO · 24/06/2026 17:34

SummerAtaris · 24/06/2026 17:33

My kids are not starved… I’m saying on my worst days, when I’m paralysed that’s all that runs through my mind. That I’m not being the mum they deserve. That they’re better off without me. Which I absolutely do not agree with.

Does your DH not feed the children?

likelysuspect · 24/06/2026 17:34

Tableforjoan · 24/06/2026 17:29

Nobody is saying is ain’t a disability but not everyone with it should or needs pip Because it’s a sliding scale not everyone with adhd or autism is the same.

As you say you worked from 16 till it sounds recently but you also had 4-5 ND children in that time you raised as well.

maybe it’s not just the autism that’s fully your burn out. It’s having 4-5? Children who are all ND as well. That would be a lot for most people.

I find being a woman leads to bloody burn out!!!

Larrythecatforpm · 24/06/2026 17:35

likelysuspect · 24/06/2026 17:34

I find being a woman leads to bloody burn out!!!

Well said.

ABOOO · 24/06/2026 17:36

likelysuspect · 24/06/2026 17:34

I find being a woman leads to bloody burn out!!!

Having 4 - 5 children would definitely be something that burned me out!

Tableforjoan · 24/06/2026 17:37

I stopped at three and mine are NT that was plenty.

I couldn’t raise 4 plus children especially not with various ND which could be competing against each other. Would probably kill me.

measuretwicecutonce · 24/06/2026 17:37

I don’t understand some things and the reasons why people need extra money because they forget to eat. Just set a reminder on your phone surely? I don’t understand either why needing multiple pairs of ear defenders should be funded by the tax payer (as per pp). Lastly, and I’m sure I’ll get slated for this, but if life is challenging why do people have so many children, esp knowing they will likely be ND too. I’m NT but stopped at 2, defo couldn’t do anymore!

Sheismycherrypie · 24/06/2026 17:38

SummerAtaris · 24/06/2026 17:33

My kids are not starved… I’m saying on my worst days, when I’m paralysed that’s all that runs through my mind. That I’m not being the mum they deserve. That they’re better off without me. Which I absolutely do not agree with.

I think you’re spending far too much time thinking and not enough doing.

If a fire alarm went off, you’d get out of bed.

If somebody promised you £10,000 you would get out of bed.

Your children need you. Get out of bed.

Geoprint · 24/06/2026 17:40

Sheismycherrypie · 24/06/2026 17:38

I think you’re spending far too much time thinking and not enough doing.

If a fire alarm went off, you’d get out of bed.

If somebody promised you £10,000 you would get out of bed.

Your children need you. Get out of bed.

It’s a disability!!!

You cant just switch it off.

havingoneofthosedays · 24/06/2026 17:40

How many more children did you have after the 1st 3

Larrythecatforpm · 24/06/2026 17:41

measuretwicecutonce · 24/06/2026 17:37

I don’t understand some things and the reasons why people need extra money because they forget to eat. Just set a reminder on your phone surely? I don’t understand either why needing multiple pairs of ear defenders should be funded by the tax payer (as per pp). Lastly, and I’m sure I’ll get slated for this, but if life is challenging why do people have so many children, esp knowing they will likely be ND too. I’m NT but stopped at 2, defo couldn’t do anymore!

Pip is there to pay for things like care, my son has autism & a learning disability his pip will go towards paying for carers to take him out and eventually supported living. In ops case you have a point extra money will not help in her case.

havingoneofthosedays · 24/06/2026 17:41

measuretwicecutonce · 24/06/2026 17:37

I don’t understand some things and the reasons why people need extra money because they forget to eat. Just set a reminder on your phone surely? I don’t understand either why needing multiple pairs of ear defenders should be funded by the tax payer (as per pp). Lastly, and I’m sure I’ll get slated for this, but if life is challenging why do people have so many children, esp knowing they will likely be ND too. I’m NT but stopped at 2, defo couldn’t do anymore!

Excellent post

Bumblingbee92 · 24/06/2026 17:45

SummerAtaris · 24/06/2026 17:26

My husband is self employed. He can tell better than me when I might need help.

It is always out of the blue. Some days i wake, and I literally cannot move. My conscious wants me to get up, to do housework, to make dinner. My mind is an ever revolving door of all the things that need to be done. I can see my kids sad and unfed. I can see my husband coming home from a hard day at work. I can ‘see’ everything that needs to be done. I just can’t do it. My brain doesn’t work like that.

As somebody diagnosed with ADHD and probably autistic too get a fucking grip.

You decided to bring children into this world and not turn them into the state, feed them.

Change your mindset and prioritise your kids.

You’re using your titles as excuses. You managed to work and function in the past. Sort it out.

Hallywally · 24/06/2026 17:46

Are you able to properly look after your children?

KitTea3 · 24/06/2026 17:46

measuretwicecutonce · 24/06/2026 17:37

I don’t understand some things and the reasons why people need extra money because they forget to eat. Just set a reminder on your phone surely? I don’t understand either why needing multiple pairs of ear defenders should be funded by the tax payer (as per pp). Lastly, and I’m sure I’ll get slated for this, but if life is challenging why do people have so many children, esp knowing they will likely be ND too. I’m NT but stopped at 2, defo couldn’t do anymore!

I mean on a whole I guess you could rgaue it's a way of ensuring you have food...

...in regards to forgetting to eat it's not so much I forget more that my ADHD meds kill any appetite and I don't feel any kind of hunger, until a few days later when I wonder why I feel sick and nauseous 😭 I do admit I did just order myself a maccies via just eat....because I'm actually hungry for a change and as I've been unable to cook a meal in this hmo for the past decade due to anxiety and abusive twat of a housemate it was that or not eat 😬 phone reminders don't work much for the same reasons phone reminders don't work in general for many with ADHD! I can absolutely set an alarm, but my head just silences it when it goes off. Unless I do the exact actions it's there to remind me of at that exact moment in time I tend to silence the alarm, get distracted and still forget what I was doing. Likewise with reminders and post it notes...they just blend into the wall tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️

The ear defenders thing well I guess is what many refer to as the "ADHD tax" where having ADHD ends up costing you a hell of a lot more likely due to executive dysfunction and memory issues

As for why do people have kids? Probably because if they are my age (late 30s) and female they likely got missed during childhood and were donated misdiagnosed with anxiety/depression/blood/bipolar so only found out AFTER having kids or they just maybe felt they had a right to have kids and not having them felt a little bit like eugenics? Who knows either way I don't have any and don't plan to cos I can barely look after myself 🙃

BendyAndTired · 24/06/2026 17:47

SummerAtaris · 24/06/2026 16:12

There’s been a tonne of threads about benefits recently and there seems to be a recurring theme that ‘only the most severe disabilities should get any help’ and they almost always mention that people suffering with MH health issues, or ‘non issues’ like ADHD should be cut off from help. I’d like to know what those people in particular think adhd is, and why they don’t consider it to be a disability.

I am 44 years old, I have level 1 autism and ‘combined type’ adhd. I have worked since I left school at 16. I raised my eldest 3 children from my first marriage by myself, all 3 are diagnosed with varying degrees of neurodivergences (didn’t know that at the time)

I am now married to a wonderful man, and we have children together, they are also ND.

It is a challenge every single day to just make myself wash & brush my teeth. And I need to try and herd 2
other people with the same issues to do the same.

I am massively in debt, because the filter that everyone else seems to have that tell you, no don’t do it, just isn’t there.

I literally cannot sleep. I try. But my brain is almost always stuck in a loop of catastrophising, and is running a chorus of a song that I hate over and over and over and there’s nothing I can do about it. When I do sleep I’m still catastrophising and have incredibly vivid nightmares and wake up sad, anxious and depressed and I can’t shake off my dreams easily.

I go from 7 or so days of zero sleep, then pass out and am comatose for 48-72 hours approx.

I forget to eat, I forget to drink water. I don’t know that I need the bathroom until my bladder is literally about to burst.

I suffer from boredom so extreme that I’ve attempted suicide multiple times.

‘Masking’ takes everything that I have. By the time I get home after any social event (by event I mean anything that needs me to present as a ‘normal’ person, school drops offs, appointments etc) leave me gasping for breath, physically stimming to the point my muscles are crying out and I still can’t stop, endlessly ruminating over conversations I had to participate in against my will.

This is not a comprehensive list. I’ll remember this post for the rest of my life and there will always be things I should have added to it.

My body is perfectly fine. I’m not disabled in that way. But my brain, my bodies operating system, IS disabled. I’m so tired of hearing that adhd and lower levels of autism are not disabling. They absolutely fucking are. I manage the school run these days and that’s pretty much it. I haven’t been able to work for around 8 years now.

Go ahead. Tell me how you’d employ me.

It’s not even about employability, PIP for ASD/ADHD is to allow you to pay for things that help you function. For me that includes help around the house, a car + fuel because I can’t really do public transport, various gadgets to help me stay organised (my life, from taking my daily medication to going to Drs appointments, and even which days I am in work, is run via reminders from my phone) There's so many things that are more expensive due to ASD/ADHD. NT people have no idea.

BravasPatatas · 24/06/2026 17:48

measuretwicecutonce · 24/06/2026 17:37

I don’t understand some things and the reasons why people need extra money because they forget to eat. Just set a reminder on your phone surely? I don’t understand either why needing multiple pairs of ear defenders should be funded by the tax payer (as per pp). Lastly, and I’m sure I’ll get slated for this, but if life is challenging why do people have so many children, esp knowing they will likely be ND too. I’m NT but stopped at 2, defo couldn’t do anymore!

We use DS’s DLA for speech therapy (he’s had one session in 3 years on the NHS, despite being 7 and having the speech of a 2 year old), occupational therapy (NHS refuse to even assess), a new pair of school shoes every 4 weeks because his autism related dyspraxia means that he wears holes in his, sensory equipment, our insane water bill because when he’s having a meltdown water is the only thing that calms him, a 3 hour specialist respite babysitter once a month… I’d much rather he wasn’t disabled and he wasn’t therefore eligible for DLA, but here we are.

Tableforjoan · 24/06/2026 17:49

BravasPatatas · 24/06/2026 17:48

We use DS’s DLA for speech therapy (he’s had one session in 3 years on the NHS, despite being 7 and having the speech of a 2 year old), occupational therapy (NHS refuse to even assess), a new pair of school shoes every 4 weeks because his autism related dyspraxia means that he wears holes in his, sensory equipment, our insane water bill because when he’s having a meltdown water is the only thing that calms him, a 3 hour specialist respite babysitter once a month… I’d much rather he wasn’t disabled and he wasn’t therefore eligible for DLA, but here we are.

On the water bill have you contacted your water company? They do actually have different rates and/or schemes for people who have a genuine need for more water.

x2boys · 24/06/2026 17:50

aCatCalledFawkes · 24/06/2026 17:27

That's a misconception of autism that everyone who has autism isn't sociable or has no friends. My son has adhd and autism. He is really sociable with friends and always out and about. However he makes poor decisions and continuously ends up some sort of trouble - not big trouble but fights, falling out with people, arguments etc

I hadn't thought about claiming DLA, my main driver was his lack of engagement with school despite them making huge adjustments for him. Well now we know we can make the right adjustments for his rather than guessing. It helps me to create strategies for him at home.

I would think benefits should be applied to the individuals on a case by case basis and given to those who need it. I know of two children who very autistic and unlikely to work at all. I think they need help but there are people in the middle who need it too.

They already are
You dont get DLA / PIP becsuse you have a disabillty its how that disabillity impacts a person.

BravasPatatas · 24/06/2026 17:51

Tableforjoan · 24/06/2026 17:49

On the water bill have you contacted your water company? They do actually have different rates and/or schemes for people who have a genuine need for more water.

Yes we have, but the schemes vary between companies and ours only reduce your bill if you get universal credit.