AIBU to feel lonely and left out at school events?

[Lonelyyy]

Feel really low after my 7 year olds sports day, the mums all seem very close and no matter how hard I try I just can’t get in with the group. I’ve invited them one to one and group to play dates etc. but I just always feel on the outside.im really lonely and I have a demanding job which leaves very little time to socialise outside of the school setting. I know when reading familiar threads people recommended “hobbies” but when do I have time for a hobby if I work full time s d only see my child on weekends so school is my only place to make friends. I feel very low. How can they all even the ones that work gel so quickly to one another.

Does anyone have any advice please. I feel really upset.

Sorry you feel like this op. I wouldn’t try and get in with the group but continue to try and organise play dates on an individual basis and from there you may pick up friends. My DC are young adults now but I remember not feeling part of a group (AKA the cliques) but made some really good individual friends usually via my children’s friendships.

The groups and cliques were often, as described by my DC, the parents of “the cool kids”. Not for me. Just keep trying individually and you will get there. If you have time and I know you say you work try and get involved either with the PTA / school events.

No advice but I share your pain!
At my kids school, most of the parents went to school together so have know each most their lives.
I've had to wait until their a bit older and I can have hobbies to start making friends. It's rubbish

It was obvious I was trying to be friendly with them and I was feeling awkward but no one made me feel at ease and just kind of ignored me. I made lots of effort with them.

Maybe your expectations are way off
i am in my second child through primary school and. Do not have any friends from it . Lots of Pleasantries and polite chit chat at parties and sports day but they are not my friends

also i find the mums who do pick up snd drop off every day ( i cant ) have a crucial extra 20-30 mins every day to build up chit chat into a friendship

also i find mums who are super friendly with each other other have connections outside school. Ie i know one group who bonded in the NICU - you can’t compete with that kind of bond ,often they know each other other from nursery or newborn pregnancy groups football gymnastics so have many years and hours more bonding time

the summer holidays are a good time to offer playdates and have chill conversations at handover but be careful of coming across as desperate

if i end my 14 years of primary school with one friend that will be a win

you sound down do you need to see the gp?

So they are not kind or friendly so why keep trying ?

move on

Sorry you feel like this. I never made mum friends as I was working and not always at pick up and dc were often in breakfast club. Offer play dates but don't expect dates to be offered to you, as you'll only be disappointed.

How many in the school or class OP?

my advice is to stay away from the well established groups if unkind.

we have a school with 50. I am chair of parent council, so very involved.

One group, very pleasant, but friends since school and that will not change.

I have two friends. Both older. Like me, often not at drop off or collection.

I am polite to everyone, but made friends via volunteer things and my children.

I had this problem at DCs last school. I know it’s easy to say but these are not your people. When we changed schools at the start of this school year it was like night and day. Some people just aren’t open to new connections or aren’t right for you.

I understand that this is upsetting for you. However, maybe these parents just aren't your "tribe". Nothing wrong with you or with them - you just don't match. That's just how it is sometimes. Keep doing one-to-one playdates and enjoy them for what they are but I'm afraid you can't force friendships. Your tribe is somewhere else - keep looking and you'll find them.

Has your DC got a special friend he gets on well with OP? And is the mum nice? I would develop one DC friendship at a time and if you get pally with the mum then that's a win too.

Its the holy grail imo - a nice mum AND a nice kid who your child gets on with! I've been known to cultivate these friendships ...

I can't cultivate these friendships either. 3 different schools (1 DC moved half way through primary) and I'm generally friendly with DC4s school parents but only an occasional chat at the school gates.
I've been to every pick up and drop off as I've always worked around them, I just can't break in.

I know when reading familiar threads people recommended “hobbies” but when do I have time for a hobby if I work full time s d only see my child on weekends so school is my only place to make friends.

Surely you can do a hobby literally any evening?

I think a lot of times people understand that these friendships often go way back, they have an older child in the same year, or the same club, or they all went to the school together in the same year group.
Many people just aren’t trying to carve out meaningful long term friendships from school pick up and the odd school event.

im so sorry OP they sound really horrible though, I wouldn't want them as friends. you can do better than them!

Don’t sweat this. I made a few casual mum friends but I worked full time and really the only thing I had in common with most of them was that we had kids the same age. Once your kids hit secondary age the vast majority of these friendships fall away and all that’s left are Facebook happy birthday wishes. Where there are genuine friendships they were most likely there before and/or are independent of school. Besides, from what you write it sounds like you don’t really have time for school gate friendships. If you lower your expectations to ‘say hello or have a casual chat’ then that’s the reality of most of those friendships, no matter how friendly they appear to be with each other.

But most people with children work. You’re not uniquely placed in that respect. Unless you’re a single parent with no ability to pay for babysitting, you have every night to go and do something you enjoy where you may meet people you like.

I think you sound quite aggrieved that, at least in your perception, the other parents have gelled. I think you’d be better off feeling less cross and sad about it, acknowledging that not everybody likes everybody, and that school parents aren’t your only friendship opportunity. I mean, do you even like these people? You never say so. Friendships involve active liking, not just being at the school gate with someone. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or them.

I do sympathise OP. Are you on the PTA? I made friends through that. What I find is that there needs to be more than one setting in which you meet. So say you meet a mum on the PTA and then you bump into them at the park or your DC go to the same swimming lessons, that kind of thing. Gives you a bit more in common to start with but it’s hard to manufacture.

Our situation was quite different as DC went to a school nursery and then through that primary school so we became friends with the other parents when the DC were 3. They’re 16 now and we’re still friends with many of them but I will say a LOT changes when they go to secondary and a lot of the friendships melted away.

definitely try the PTA or similar.

How big a group are we talking? There will be quite a lot of different parents. It's not ok not to include you and so maybe it's worth focusing on other parents in the class. Keep trying. Expect it not to work most of the time but when it does it will be worth it. Speak to your child about playdates he'd like, get to know which parents are friendly that way and then invite to a playdate with coffee. Parties can also be a good way to chat to different parents to see which ones are friendly.

The other factor can be if they have older kids and have established friendships that way. But again, not ok not to be friendly.

I was incredibly glad when my children left primary school because I didn’t have to make an effort with the school mums who generally ignored me. I understand how difficult it is thinking this is the only place to make friends but do you actually want to make friends with them or feel it’s your only option?

Feel for you OP. This sort of thing is really painful.

the class has 18 kids in there including mine. Most mums don’t work, the few that do I see try really hard by having the mums over (I’ve never been invited) I tried getting friendly with the SAHMs and the working ones but I don’t seem to get anywhere.

I’m just not happy with my life at the moment which may come across to them. I’m in a very unhappy marriage but then I get told to develop a network but I can’t have a network as these mums don’t talk to me! I moved here 10 years ago when I married DH and it’s been tough for me

He doesn’t come home at set times and doesn’t communicate when he will be home otherwise I could go things in the evening without DC. I don’t want to hire a babysitter due to my SA as a child so I have issues with people around my kids.i actually have 2. My eldest I made peace with the fact I won’t have friends due to certain health issues she has but with youngest I always assumed things would be different

Invite them round for a coffee morning/ meet at Costa after drop off? Go for a walk. Meet in the school hols or inset days? Is there is a class WhatsApp group? Suggest a mums night out to local pub. Kids parties?