You see a child having a meltdown... How do you react?

[Velumental]

I saw something on Facebook that triggered this, say you're in a park and you see a child, he's almost 5 foot tall and built like a small rugby player, go from having fun to screaming, stamping, throwing himself on the ground, maybe trying to run from his parent or hit his parent. From observing the situation 10 mins previously you're aware he was playing in an entirely ordinary way with a group of similar aged friends for half an hour previously. He's the only child upset, his parent is with him, you're nearby. Your children are in the park too, starting to maybe look over.

Thoughts and actions?

A 5 foot 8 yr old doesn't look like an adult. He looks like a big kid and it's not a fight when it's a mum comforting and settling a child. It wouldn't look at all like adults fighting.

Mine are v similar ! Although tantrum stage has thankfully long gone for my kids

I didn't see the 8 year old bit I just see the 5ft but like a rugby player bit so assumed we talking about a teenager. A child i would mind my own business if the parent was managing it step in if they wasn't. I had a whole different image in my head of a 15 year old beating his mum up and was wondering why everyone was saying they would just ignore it

I've never been to a park personally where younger children weren't allowed...

Thank God I made the decision to remain child free.

He is absolutely massive (although really he's 4foot 11) but he just looks like someone scaled up a baby faced boy (he's under endocrinology for increased growth) he does throw punches and he has definitely injured me before. But I can't imagine anyone would consider me in serious danger how he acts as he's clearly very upset and flailing more than anything.

But then maybe he looks scarier to those who didn't birth him

Unlike some PPs, I'd never teach my kids to ignore violence, mind their business and look away. I'd teach them to remain watchful and keep their wits about them if someone violent or seemingly unpredictable is nearby. I'd also ask you if you needed help.

Probably for the best! You miss the highs but at least you miss the lows. It's not for everyone.

Id bear in mind that the MN and Facebook demographics and culture are extremely different

Ime MN is very sympathetic to these kinds of situations, facebook not so much and there's no way to know who the onlookers will be on any given day

Personally I wouldn't do anything unless it was blatantly obvious that you couldnt cope or either of you were in danger, that's just my personality and what I'd want people to do to me if the tables were turned

I saw an interesting post along similar lines on Instagram the other day about a mother becoming physically unable to cope when her child grew too large and strong for her to deal with due to disability and realizing the only option was for the child to go into a specialist facility

Ignore it, unless the mother is needing help why is it anyones buisness.

This. Maybe a sympathetic smile. If a taller/older child, I might assume that they had special needs.

Is he ND OP?

I always thought the not staring and stopping DC from commenting was the best thing to do. Until I saw an ASD child have a meltdown in public and someone else stepped in to help the mum, who welcomed it.

So now I think at times, helping is welcome? Not that I'd know what to do. But seeing it happen made me rethink.

That’s just one mum. When my asd child was having a meltdown, others trying to help would make them so much worse!

I'd keep an eye on things to see if any help is wanted from the lone parent, at the same time as hoping the child will manage to settle.

Would think a child that big should not be hitting during a tantrum, so would assume (a) the child has some sort of disability that I am not equipped to help with and (b) is with their parent who is better equipped to deal with it, and so I would get on with my day.

My boy is on the asd/ADHD pathway, he's been under neurology since babyhood and other services since he was 4.

However he's very academically clever, can mask beautifully for short periods of time and when well managed presents as entirely neurotypical. The differences are becoming more obvious as he grows of course but that's why I added the 'playing entirely normally for half an hour beforehand' like he and his pals built an entire fort 1 day in our local park from a felled tree with great communication and coordination. Then he lost it when his water bottle was empty (obviously what actually happened was he ran out of steam and doesn't cope with that but to the untrained eye he went from a child showing leadership skills and planning to a very large tantruming toddler screaming and flailing and grabbing me as if he was terrified he'd die fo thirst, which he was I suppose it was a recent fixation when he found out you can die of thirst in just 3 days.

Ignore any situation like this unless you are personally in immediate danger. You have no idea about other peoples struggles.

Agree I'd probably be feeling sorry for the parents rather than judgy - At 8 I'd be assuming some sort of developmental or neurological condition, which I know can be really hard to manage for parents as far too little support.

But I would be expecting an attempt to get the kid away from others (which it sounds like he was?). It's unreasonable to expect other kids to put up with that It doesn't matter what the reason for the behaviour is, it hurts, can cause injury and ruins everyone else's play. I would use it as a teaching moment for my kids - along the "some kids can't control their emotions so well" lines but also along the "So you need to stay away from them" lines. A tall, bulky 8 year old boy flailing around would have been a danger to my 8 year olds, who were in first centile on the weight charts, as we found on several occasions with kids in school who had difficulty with emotional regulation.

I came across a similar situation fairly recently where a mother had had to take her child out of a shop as he was in an uncontrollable meltdown. Shortly after, I saw her outside sitting on the pavement trying to calm him. Before I could do anything, another woman went up to her and offered to go and fetch whatever it was she had been trying to buy in the shop, and the mother accepted with real gratitude. I thought it was a genius response on the second woman's part.

If you phoned and said you saw 2 adults fighting they probably wouldn’t come either tbh.

Agree.
I remember a (horrible) woman telling me I was ‘making a rod for my own back’ when my tired and hungry three year old was having a tantrum about leaving the park, and I was trying to defuse the situation, crouched down talking to her nicely about why we needed to leave.
Most children have a tantrum at some point. Height and size are no indicator of age or whether the child has any additional needs.

BIG hugs OP.

I smile and nod but the urge to ask people what the fuck they are staring at is often strong.

This is so lovely ❤️

A tall, bulky 8 year old boy flailing around would have been a danger to my 8 year olds, who were in first centile on the weight charts, as we found on several occasions with kids in school who had difficulty with emotional regulation.

As the mother of a 99.6th centile child this attitude is frustrating and has meant my child has experienced chilhdood differently to his peers. Adults should know better and make their best effort to treat children appropriately for their age and capacity, rather than their physical appearance. Unless there's a real danger (the big child targeting your little child), then I think you're being precious.

Children flail around playing football, jumping, climbing trees, play-fighting - but the minute it's a big child running to his mum during a tantrum it's suddenly dangerous?

He's still a pre-pubescent child, not a grown man- the potential for danger is no more than with that same child playing and goofing around.