AIBU to feel hurt my SIL sent no condolences?

[Vi6Green]

My father passed away recently. My SIL (DHs sister) took care of our dog so DH could attend the funeral - in a different country. We are in regular contact with the SIL but I have been trying to limit my participation as she can be passive aggressive. DH expects me to understand what she is like and not make his life harder by bringing it up.

Well, my father died. We went to the funeral. We came back and DH insists we all have to go to SIL and pick the dog up as she made us a massive favour (she did but we had other dog care options that DH didn't like). I said I don't want to go and that she didn't even send me a one line "sorry for your loss" message. DH kicked off that I'm reading too much into it and that it's going to be embarrassing if I don't go. We argued but I refused to go. Eventually, when I said I'm going to ask my English friends if it's normal in Britsh culture to not send condolonces, he said that "it's odd that she didn't contact me".

I am angry with DH for kicking off at me days after my father died and expecting me to go and be nice to a women who dislikes me and can't even send a text.

AIBU?

You don’t like her and it seems like she isn’t keen on you,she did you a massive favour having your dog so your H could be with you at the funeral,I’d have gone to her house due to her having the dog just to say thank you.

I don’t expect people to send their condolences.

It would have been nice, but she didn't so move on that's the end of it don't drag it out.

Otherwise it goes downhill and world war 3 breaks out
In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter

I probably wouldn't contact my SIL in these circumstances, I'd expect that she'd speak to my DP and pass on condolences through him. We don't have any direct contact, no because we don't speak we're just not close and any contact is with her brother, not me.

I wouldn't be attracted to a man who kicks off, and fights me. Certainly not when recently bereaved.
Do you want to stay married to him?

Of course it was bad manners not to offer condolences. At the very least she could have asked your DH to pass on her condolences. Maybe though she was going to wait until she saw you in person. Though some people just have very poor manners and haven’t a clue about doing the right thing in certain circumstances.

Edited to add - it was poor form of your DH to try and insist you go with him to collect the dog.

I would argue that looking after your dog was a much bigger thing than offering condolences. I am sorry for your loss, but I think you may be unreasonable on this one.

I think you are being very unreasonable. Very rude not to go and thank her in person, you will never know now if she would have said her condolences in person. Just get past this, really not worth a family drama over this.

Seems like a mutual dislike between the two of you, so it doesn’t surprise me.

When my brother was married, I couldn’t stand his wife, so it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to send condolences if one of her parents died, she never entered my thoughts at all.

You didn't all have to go and pick up the dog so your DH is BU for that.

With regards to her not sending condolences, I think you're being unreasonable about that, and I say that as someone who has been widowed in very recent weeks.

Asking English friends what is normal in British culture is neither here nor there, as we're all different people.

Perhaps she simply forgot and then thought it might be considered too late.

Or perhaps she was busy thinking about your dog arrangements and it slipped her mind.

I wouldn’t go. Send a text. ‘Thanks for looking after the dog’. Job done. Poor form not to offer condolences to a member of your family when they lose a parent.

Maybe she didn't send a four word message, but she took your dog in so your husband could fly out and support you, which is a much bigger deal than a few words via text.

You dislike each other so clearly everything she dies/doesn't do will piss you off.

Sorry for your loss, OP. It's terrible losing a parent.
I think your grief is muddying the waters of the SIL situation. Yes it is normal in the UK to send condolences, but some people don't even think of it, particularly if they don't see the bereaved person soon after the death. Possibly SIL will say she's sorry about your dad if you go and see her now. Or not, but she has done you a big favour and it's most unlikely that she intended to hurt or annoy you, so it would be a shame to fall out over it.

Kindly (as you are obviously going through a lot), YABU. It feels like you're looking for things to be annoyed about. Sometimes it's hard to send a message or card if you're not close to the person, as it's difficult to know what to say. A WhatsApp just feels a bit flippant. And she did show up for you in a very practical way. It sounds like you have some history, so I'm surprised you expected more. And I'm also not surprised you've found something to be annoyed about.

I would not allow this to get between you and your DH. You don't have to love your SIL but you also don't need to slag her off.

Of course she should have sent condolences. Via your husband if you're not speaking, or a card in the post. Presumably your husband thanked her profusely for dog sitting? You don't both need to go to her house to collect the dog.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. She definitely should have at least said that too. But just because she didn't say it don't let it consume you, it will be harming you more than her and you're more important to you! Be kind to yourself at this point.

Same. And there’s no way I’m ever going to have anything to do with a woman like that.

Tbh your reaction seems much more PA than hers.

She's done you a huge favour, you may have have other options, but she still did it. Yes, it would be nice if she'd sent a message but she could well be planning to do it in person when you collect the dog. Either way the care she's shown by enabling DH yo join you is surely much more valuable than a text?

I don't agree with DH that you need to go, I think it would be perfectly reasonable not to be feeling up to it, but the drama is very OTT.

Brits are often quite weird about death, OP. I've certainly encountered far more of the 'I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything at all' approach when living in different parts of the UK than I have elsewhere.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Now I come to think about it when parents have died on both sides of our family none of us have sent condolences messages or cards to our respective in-laws. We all get on perfectly fine but it just didn’t occur to me to send one, and vice versa.
Im fact when my dad died I remember my husband asking my mother in law if she’d be coming to the funeral she said “ no thank you dear” 😆. I wasnt the least bit offended, she’d probably only met him a handful of times!

SIL did you a huge favour by having your dog, but you still want to have a pop at her.

I would always give condolences to someone I know, regardless of how much I do or don't like them. I would be upset too, especially at a time like this when you're feeling so bruised. She does sound a bit unpleasant.

Your husband was unfair and insensitive to insist on you going to your sister's house. But I have to say it can be incredibly difficult to hear criticism of a sibling from a spouse. Occasionally my husband makes a remark about one of my sisters, who can be a bit blunt and judgemental, and every time he does I have to struggle not to snap back at him.

I find criticism of my family members extremely stressful to hear – especially from him. I think this is very common. It's instinctive and ingrained rather than deliberate. It comes from being torn between two people you're tied to in different but profound ways.

I'd be willing to bet your husband got angry not because he actually was angry, but because of the stress of being caught in the middle. On the one hand he has his loyalty to you, and on the other he has a relationship with a sibling he's known for his entire life. He wants to smooth it over without having to challenge her behaviour because he knows if he challenged her, it would be damaging to his relationship with her, and possibly with his parents too. He doesn't want the situation to get any worse because she's feeling slighted by you not thanking her re the dog – even if she was the one in the wrong to start with. And he might be right that you're reading too much into it, maybe she's just rude to everyone.

Not sending her condolences was absolutely bad manners. But arguably not thanking someone for looking after your dog to enable you to go away isn't very gracious either. Best to be the better person, as I'm sure you are.

And I'm sorry for your loss.

I have no idea who sends me condolences or not and no i dont send them to everyone in all situations

I think your husband was unreasonable to try and make you go and pick up the dog when you’d just got home from the funeral.

With your SIL, actions speak louder than words, and looking after your dog so your husband could go with you is far kinder and more supportive than a text (I don’t think it’s relevant that you had other dog care options - she was one who did it). Yes it would have been nice if she’d messaged you. But personally I would just be gracious about the dog favour, and you can both go back to not liking each other much.

Sympathies for your loss; might it be worth considering that at such a sad time for you, you are especially sensitive? I can remember, when my parents died, that I was not able to take things in my stride so readily.
To be fair, she agreed to set aside her personal dislike of you, and undertake the care of your dog, which could be seen as making a gesture by disregarding your uneasy relationship to care for a blameless animal, making your life a little easier as you attended the funeral.
How would you feel about your DH going solo on this one, but taking a "Thank You" card with him to pass over? Or would this be perceived as passive aggressive?

You are reading far too much into the lack of a condolences message, some people are just not good at these things. Men rarely do it. She looked after your dog and you should have thanked her.