AIBU to feel hurt my SIL sent no condolences?

[Vi6Green]

My father passed away recently. My SIL (DHs sister) took care of our dog so DH could attend the funeral - in a different country. We are in regular contact with the SIL but I have been trying to limit my participation as she can be passive aggressive. DH expects me to understand what she is like and not make his life harder by bringing it up.

Well, my father died. We went to the funeral. We came back and DH insists we all have to go to SIL and pick the dog up as she made us a massive favour (she did but we had other dog care options that DH didn't like). I said I don't want to go and that she didn't even send me a one line "sorry for your loss" message. DH kicked off that I'm reading too much into it and that it's going to be embarrassing if I don't go. We argued but I refused to go. Eventually, when I said I'm going to ask my English friends if it's normal in Britsh culture to not send condolonces, he said that "it's odd that she didn't contact me".

I am angry with DH for kicking off at me days after my father died and expecting me to go and be nice to a women who dislikes me and can't even send a text.

AIBU?

Neither of you particularly like the other one, which is fine and not unusual, but it's a 50/50 thing. There's no need to make a big deal of this, just be civil when you do meet her.

Do you and sil have the kind of relationship where you would ever text each other. It doesn't sound like it.

They won't know why you're cutting them out of your life, I don't think messages as well as cards of sympathy are a commonly done thing?
I've never given anyone a sympathy card, do your husbands relatives know you expect cards for things?

Why? Well, it’s customary to send your condolences in one way or another. A text. A card, whatever. I had a similar situation with my SIL. How was my life impacted when she didn’t message when dad died? It wasn’t. How would I have felt if she ‘showed up’? Well, invaded, frankly! She wasn’t needed. We aren’t close, our feelings for each other are ambivalent, at best. But I noted that I received no message of condolence from her. I thought it was rude. Thoughtless. Because it was. Every situation and family is different. I’m not close to my SIL, so why would she show up for me? I assume you’re closer to yours, which is why your approach in your family is different. And a completely different scenario to the OP.

Most people don’t bother anymore, you are making g a mountain out of a molehill.

My dad died suddenly last year. I appreciated heart felt condolences. Wouldn’t have wanted fake ones from someone who I don’t like and doesn’t like me. Would mean absolutely nothing to me.

Why would you be hurt that she hasn't reached out to you with condolences - you don't even like her! I do think your husband should just go and get the dog though and leave you in peace. So sorry for the loss of your dad 💐

How is it different - the SIL showed up for OP. I didn’t mean physically turn up at their house unannounced, more that I made it clear I was available for help if needed. Which sounds like exactly what SIL did.

Customary isn’t a reason either - there’s different cultures at play in the OP for starters, and at one point it was customary for women to stay at home and obey their husbands. Because something is a custom doesn’t mean it’s right.

Why would you have felt better if she had messaged you though? I genuinely don’t understand why it would have made you feel better provided your closer support network was there. I get if you has no one else it might be more needed, but presumably she knew you had everything you needed?

@WheretheFishesareFrightening I’m not sure how we went from sending condolences on the death of a parent (and parent in law) to tradwives, but anyway.

No, I wouldn’t have felt better if she’d have messaged me. Nor did it make me feel worse. I said I noted it and thought it was rude because I think it was.

Agree.

SIL was making life easier for her brother because he asked her and he wanted her to do it despite there being other options of people to watch dog.

Surely, using the people your grieving wife wanted to use would have been much better than using your own sister who you know doesn’t get on with your wife.

You can’t claim to be placed in the middle of something when you deliberately chose to use someone who your grieving spouse has issues with (family or not).

Plus, if he didn’t need two people to drop the dog off, he doesn’t need two people to pick it up.

Speak for yourself.

How hard-hearted and selfish society is becoming if people are starting to think like this.

I agree. SIL did a favor for her brother. He can thank her for that, OP has no need to go get the dog with him. SIL is guilty of lacking
simple good manners and human kindness. Whether she likes OP or not, whether she was friendly with OP’s parents or not. OP is family, her brother’s wife, and should be treated with kindness and respect, not cold thoughtlessness. OP should take a step back if she needs to, Especially, while her feelings are so tender.

Sounds like you don’t like each other, so I wouldn’t feel obliged to see her. And she shouldn’t feel obliged to text you for appearances’ sake.

I'm pretty good at this sort of thing but if I knew I was going to see the bereaved within a few days because they'd need to collect their dog, I might wait to offer heartfelt condolences face to face.

TBH when DH died, all the sorry for your loss messages started to grate. They don't sound particularly sincere and I'm suppoosed to send something nice in response, so if I know I will see someone I might avoid that..

I wouldn't want to message someone who doesn't like me when they've been bereaved in case it made them upset/angry.

You don't like her so I don't know why you're this bothered if she says something or not.

It's the DH's dog too!!! No reason why he couldn't have just collected the dog himself and said thank you on behalf of both of them and take some of the strain off the OP. Poor behaviour on his part.

After a funeral like she probably wanted to go straight home and have some peace without being nagged into visiting anyone. Given that the SIL doesn't care too much about passing on condolences herself, which is hardly a stretch, its hardly an offence not to receive immediate personal thank yous from someone in the very early stages of grief.

The DH seems a lot more worried about offending his sister than about OP's feelings at such a time and lacking in sympathy.

I would do a favour like that for a family member and I wouldn't count it as a huge favour, I would count it as the the very least thing I could do, as someone did that for me.
I also wouldn't expect an in person thank you visit from the bereaved to show their immense gratitude directly after burying a parent. Its not like they were asking the SIL to have the dog whilst OP popped out to have her nails done. It was her mothers funeral.

Sorry for your loss OP. Try to let the SIL condolences issue go and think about all the other people, especially those at the funeral who did respond to you.

This 100pc

I honestly can’t remember who sent condolences when either my mum or my dad died, there was a flurry of calls, text messages and flower deliveries from all kinds of people. What I remember is the people who actually did something to make my life just a little bit easier at that time. That’s what your SIL did, she looked after your dog so you knew it would be taken care of and safe and you wouldn’t have to worry about it. Actions have meaning, words are cheap, easy and often not genuine.

I'd take the dog sitting over platitudes any day of the week.

He should have understood and comforted you and let yoh bein your grief. Sorry about your dad x

This.

I will always remember the person who went above and beyond by caring for our children when a family member passed away. Did we get specific condolences??? No idea, actions speak louder than words.

Sending a text under such circumstances is a lazy, unfeeling cop-out and not getting one takes nothing from you. Perhaps if you’d seen her in person, she’d have actually said something, which would have been much more meaningful.