AIBU to feel hurt my SIL sent no condolences?

[Vi6Green]

My father passed away recently. My SIL (DHs sister) took care of our dog so DH could attend the funeral - in a different country. We are in regular contact with the SIL but I have been trying to limit my participation as she can be passive aggressive. DH expects me to understand what she is like and not make his life harder by bringing it up.

Well, my father died. We went to the funeral. We came back and DH insists we all have to go to SIL and pick the dog up as she made us a massive favour (she did but we had other dog care options that DH didn't like). I said I don't want to go and that she didn't even send me a one line "sorry for your loss" message. DH kicked off that I'm reading too much into it and that it's going to be embarrassing if I don't go. We argued but I refused to go. Eventually, when I said I'm going to ask my English friends if it's normal in Britsh culture to not send condolonces, he said that "it's odd that she didn't contact me".

I am angry with DH for kicking off at me days after my father died and expecting me to go and be nice to a women who dislikes me and can't even send a text.

AIBU?

Kindly, but don't let this be the thing you remember about your dad's death.

She could have had any of a hundred reasons for not successfully sending you a condolence message, but...so what? It won't change anything and all it will do is drive you mad trying to figure out the exact whys and wherefores. It doesn't matter.

Move on in peace and remembering your dad with love.

I think you’re overreacting. But then again your father has just died. Your DH should be doing everything to make your life easier, not insisting you go to visit someone you clearly don’t get on with. He should just go himself and if he wants to take some flowers / wine/ card to say thank you that’s up to him.

You limit participation with her; she does the same to you. That’s fine.

The issue is your DH forcing you to go to collect the dog, but that’s a DH problem, not a SIL problem.

What do you mean by sending condolences?

My very good friend lost a parent recently and I said face-to-face how sorry I was, bought the coffee and cake and messaged her a few times to find out how she was etc., and caught up with her after the funeral. I didn't formally "send condolences"

I am not sure what you were expecting?

Sorry for your loss, though 💐

You have a husband problem and he put himself in the middle by not using the other options for the dogs.

What was wrong with the other options, knowing you two don’t particularly get on?

Sorry op i think you are channelling your grief onto the wrong thing and person here. Not the first time i’ve seen this happen.

You’re overthinking it. Please let it go and focus on other things.

I totally get how you are feeling. My Mum passed away in November and my SIL (H brothers wife) sent a 'thinking of you' message and other SIL (H sister) sent a slightly longer message.....then nothing, no card or follow up message, even my MIL had to be prompted by my H to send a card almost a month later, thing is these people knew how close I was to my mum and my in-laws and SIL had spent many Christmases with them at our house. My mum was not a stranger to them.
What hurts was they made me feel like they didn't care enough to send a card.
Yes it has caused a rift and I am taking a step back from them. I don't need people in my life that don't add anything.

would people really cut family out of their life for not sending a card, despite being contacted with condolences?
@peachescariad are you going to tell them that?
“I’m stepping back because despite offering condolences, they weren’t hand written, so I’m done with you!” ?

I'm not cutting them out, just taking a step back. Its not so much the lack of cards, it's more the lack of empathy, support or acts of kindness.

Why do you need a card on top of a message? I would do either/or.

Cutting people out for this is wild.

This.

She looked after your dog so your dh could come with you to your df's funeral and you don't want to say thank you !!

Wow! You really don't like her, do you.

Why? What use is a text saying sorry for your loss? How is your life impacted if you don’t get it? At best, it shows someone is thinking about you… but I don’t see how that helps with the loss of your parent. And SIL was going more than thinking of OP, she was actively doing things to make her life easier at a difficult time. How is that not enough? What else would a text have done (other than stopping the OP spiralling, but that’s not SIL’s fault).

We’ve had similar family bereavements from SIL’s perspective, and my approach has been to show up and be useful, not send meaningless and unhelpful platitudes.

But that’s nothing like the OP where there is active support and acts of kindness.

OP you should say thank you through him or text her, but I think you should be aiming your ire at your husband for causing the issue in the first place.

There were other options he turned down for whatever reason when the least he could do was use someone that you were comfortable with considering the situation.

It’s not kind of her and she is close enough to have sent condolences. Your husband is also manipulative to try and tell you that you’re over reacting until you pressed much further.

I’m really sorry for your loss

She did you a big favour looking after your dog. You need to thank her. Her behaviour is irrelevant. You’ll feel better about yourself if you do the right thing.

Very sorry for your loss, I understand how different the world suddenly feels.
I have a few sympathy cards in my drawer because sometimes it’s just to hard to write the correct thing. I’ve been there for friends in person and by phone and they have also done the same for me but for some reason writing what I want to say in a card is so hard and emotional. I had lovely messages after the deaths of my parents and I’d love to be that person but I just can’t. Maybe she just doesn’t know what to say to you?

I find it very odd that she sent no condolences - is it possible DH failed to pass them on?

If DH was the one insisting she should look after the dog, why can’t he collect and thank her and convey thanks from you as well? Next time use your choice of dog sitter. I’m not sure why you rather than DH are deemed the recipient of this massive favour when it wasn’t even your choice of dog sitter.

I have too, and it's an unbelievably crap excuse. I'm sorry for your loss, OP. Your SIL should have sent condolences, and your DH shouldn't be adding to your stresses at a time like this. 💐

I suspect that she gave her condolences to your dh to pass on and he failed to. Also she may see taking care of your dog as her way of giving you her sympathies. Personally I would message her and thank her for looking after your dog.

I would be a lot more upset about your dh behaviour. That is not ok,

I don’t think I’d text my brothers partner/wife because her parent died when I actually
sit here and think about it.

I’ve never met them, if me and her are not regularly texting and chatting it wouldn’t come to mind to suddenly text adding to people
demanding her attention.

I would do a favour much like she has watching the dog and then ask how you are or after you in person when you came to get the dog.

I don't get why you expected a message from her at all. I'm British, I wouldn't message my in laws if their relatives died. Nor would DH. We would speak to them. Ask if we could do anything to help them out. But messaging / sending cards, no. I do that to people I don't see often and aren't going to speak to in person in the near future.
She looked after your dog, it doesn't matter that you had other options, your DH asked her as it was his preference and she did it. To me, that is what family do when you need them not write pointless cards.
You clearly don't like her and you're deflecting your grief onto her, making her the target of your anger. She doesn't deserve it. You'll work through your grief in time and hopefully see that.

I think you’re reading too much into it and your expectations are too high. Why jump
to such a negative conclusion and assume she’s being passive aggressive? If you regularly judge actions (or non actions) like this as passive aggressive then it’s fair to say that might be impacting your relationship with her.

At the same time I don’t understand why your husband expects you to pick the dog up with him? You’re grieving and he’s perfectly capable of picking a dog up without you if you don’t want to go. Ask him to pass on a message of thanks to his sister.

It sounds like you are equally as passive aggressive as she is, to be honest.

Surely it’s up to your husbands brothers (if anyone) to send a card and sign from the both of them? Why are you upset with the women but not the men, when the men are more closely related to you?