DS11 wants to stay in the UK

[CinnamonCottage]

DS is nearly 12, he was born here in the UK but we moved to the US when he was a toddler. His bio dad has never been involved but he calls my partner dad.

My sons bio dad was from Uganda and my partner is also from a country in Africawhich I think is important as I'm white British.

My partner has 3 children, they're his relatives (11, 10 and 7) and he's a kinship carer which obviously makes it hard for him to come to the UK.

My son lived here in the UK from aged 6 until age 9, but he really struggled without my partner, we visited in the summer holidays and that unsettled him and he struggled in school. We tried 2 schools, the 2nd was better than the first but he still really struggled, he made friends quite easily but he struggled a lot academically and was getting into trouble as he is an energetic child that loves the outdoors and running around etc.

He was in school in the US but I took him out a few months ago due to bullying and the school not doing anything about it but blaming DS. I've been homeschooling him since, we've been visiting family here in the UK for around a month or so whilst keeping up with the home education and he does seem happier but at the same time he misses mypartner and his technically siblings.

I can work remotely so work isn't an issue although here in the UK I was previously a TA which worked around DS.

He's been really snappy recently and he shouted at me and hit me yesterday which isn't like him. He spent some time with my brother yesterday and they built a lego car. DS then got upset and said he can't take it “home” and he wants to stay here. I have broached the subject with DS and he's saying he didn't say that

I do worry about our area as it isn't very diverse, and also that connection with DP does seem important for him

WWYD?

Unfortunately you’ve moved him around far to much and he’s struggling to settle. Need to speak to him properly and see what would make him happy.whatever you do, make sure it’s final don’t piss about moving in a year or two, this is a mess you have created.

Sounds like the poor kid has never really been anywhere long enough to ‘settle’.

Where do his ‘siblings’ go to school? Was he not at school with them? Do they not miss you and DS?

The whole situation sounds very messy and confusing. No wonder he’s acting out.

I would return to live as a family unit since that seems an important source of stability and school isn't working out in either location.

He's too young to have the responsibility of these decisions.

It sounds as if it would be helpful to get the right diagnosis and support in place no matter where you are.

You need to make a decision and stick to it. An 11 year old doesn't get a say.

Lots of kids have problems at school. They don't move continents!

He probably doesn't know what he wants, but it's inevitable that he feels unsettled, because he's been moved around a lot (not just between countries, but in and out of school), and has had no stability.

I think whether you stay in the UK or the US matters less than that you stick with whatever you decide, so that he can settle somewhere properly. Wherever you live there will be pros and con, advantages and challenges
He needs you to make a decision and then make the best of it.

You’ve moved sprint a lot and he doesn’t know if he will ever be staying in one place. It’s why military children are offered paid for boarding school to keep one thing the same. He keeps changing counties and even schools in the same country.

He wants stability and to stay in one place. He just doesn’t realise that’s what it is.

Fucking hell, do whatever gives him the most stability and then, just keep doing that, until he is grown.

DS was at the same school until this school year and he moved for middle school and that's where he had problems. He was assaulted by another child but they didn't do anything as it wasn't on school grounds and it caused a lot of anxiety for DS so I pulled him out.

I dont know if it's just me, but I found your post really hard to follow in terms of time lines. Whatever the case, there has been a lot of change and upheaval, poor kid just seems to settle somewhere then its time to pack up and move on again. Its not clear to me where your partner and his children are living (US or African country?)

Why did you move here between 6 and 9 without your partner? And why did you move back to the US?

Poor kid doesn't know whether hes coming or going

I would go back to the US, get him into a routine you're both happy with and stick with it.

It sounds like he's had a lot of upheaval... uk to US as a toddler, then back here from ages 6-9, then back to US. At least 3 different schools over those years...

I think I'd be guided partly by the fact that he views your partner as his dad. That when you were here when he was 6-9 he missed your partner and was unsettled, and the fact that although he said he wanted to stay here after the lego thing he's now denying it and he misses his semi-siblings.

I wonder if YOU want to stay here though?

Honestly OP I’d stay in the US for access to the much better jobs market when he’s older. He’s looking for the time he was last happy - the geography of this is irrelevant.

Have you thought about getting him assessed? Struggles academically, getting into trouble, enjoys running around and now he’s hitting you?

He’s very unsettled too.

Ridiculous to say get him assessed. His mother is constantly moving him around to different places, never allowing him to settle. Thats the issue.

Is this correct?
DS Born in UK
As a Toddler: moved to USA
DS Back to Uk ages 6-9 years. School was a struggle
Age 9-11 back to USA. In school but he was bullied/assaulted.
DS now 11. Currently homeschooling and visiting Uk during summer break - very common for families when they live outside of Uk but have extended family in Uk.
He's very attached to your partner and his “half siblings”

Many many children move to a variety of countries and attend different schools - usually due to parents jobs. It isn’t damaging if handled with sensitivity .
You are visiting the Uk after a period of disruption in both your lives with the wchool
situation and assault.
Your DS is moving towards puberty.
I’d suggest some appropriate therapy to look at what happened at the school and his past difficulties at school. It can also be a good place to talk about being a Third Culture Kid - which id say your son is.
If he is most settled with your partner and step siblings then it sounds like that’s the best place for him. You could continue to homeschool or find an appropriate school setting for him.
But it can’t be his decision- that’s too much for an 11 year old. You can talk about his experiences and wishes. But ultimately you decide. Also I did used to let mine take things from the Uk back home eg Lego cars. It’s a reminder of a happy time and a link to a relative. There is usually a way to shuffle packing around.

11 year olds seldom have the knowledge of the world to know what is the wisest course of action.

It is your job to decide what would be most beneficial for him and do that.

Leaving a continent because you don’t like a school seems quite extreme.

My partner and his children are in the US. We moved to the UK so DS could get closer to family as it was in 2021 after restrictions had lifted and neither of us had seen family for a while, he was in year 1 at school so it seemed a good time and he was happy for the most part especially when he started his 2nd school here but he was unsettled after summer and missed my partner and his siblings

So his options are U.K. with general family or us with your partner and his kin children.

Your child is telling you he wants to stay. What’s more important. He is lashing out as you say very unlike him. He is very unsettled with the previous and wants to be where he feels home.

But he said he wanted to stay once, because he was having fun with Lego. He now says he didn't say it.
I would not move continents over a one-off remark.
I'd consider it if I thought he was genuinely unhappy in the US and was persistently saying he wanted to stay in the UK

I really cannot understand why you came back to the UK when you have a partner in the US who your son considers a parental figure , it’s utter madness .

Blimey, poor kid.

I would take him back to be with your partner. Otherwise it's unintentional abandonment, and abandonment can be harmful.

Obviously he has you as a consistent parent which is great.

But surely you go back for a couple of weeks to visit, you face time, you write letters or send emails. You don't just up and move for several years, leaving your partner and what are essentially his siblings behind for 3 years.

Is there something missing from your story here? Did you and your partner split up?

Your child must be exceptionally confused. He's lost his Dad and now effectively his step dad too and half siblings. It's not clear why you left his step dad as surely if you missed family you'd have visited not moved his school there too. There is surely much more to this story?

I would get him into counselling and make a final decision about your relationship/family situation.

Well I absolutely wouldn’t make a decision based on a one off comment that he’s now denying he ever said.
Id go back to the US and try and support him to feel settled. Make sure he knows that’s his home.

This is too big a decision to ask an 11 year old to make. You need to decide what is best and stick with it. You may decide to stay here if you know the schooling system and have a support network, or go back to US to be with partner or siblings, but whatever decision is made, you need to stick with it.
Children’s behaviour and emotional wellbeing are best when they are settled, have predictability and feel safe that the adults around them can keep them safe. That may be fighting their corner when things happen at school, making decisions and sticking with them, or showing that there are clear plans in place for things such as contact with partner and siblings.
When children don’t have this. They can feel unsafe, overwhelmed and not know how to manage these feelings. This is where you start to see behaviours such as hitting peers or parents. Your child is telling you that they need help to manage how they feel.