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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have bought a father's day present for teenage stepsons?

61 replies

Costelloviber · 21/06/2026 08:29

DSS are 15 and 17. They are nice kids but have no expectations from either parent to really contribute anything - no housework, no basic being responsible for their own things etc. We all get on well and normally I can accept that it doesn't really impact me (DH cleans up after them and does the leg work of packing their school stuff and driving back and fore to their mum's when they - continually - forget stuff) and just get on with it. They are typical teenagers and don't get up until after lunch at weekends.

Today is father's day and I haven't bought anything from them. I asked them yesterday if they'd got a card but they both shrugged and said no, like why should it be their problem. I think they're too old to have me source, buy, wrap and give a present that they won't even acknowledge - and their answer pretty much confirmed that - so I left it.

I'll do breakfast in bed for him and cards from the little ones but they won't be up for some hours after we've done that so they'll miss it all anyway.

I feel torn really, should I have done it for DH's sake (not entirely sure he'll be too fussed but you never know) or is that just perpetuating the expectation? If they'd asked I would have gotten them a card at least, but there was absolutely zero from them when I mentioned it, as there is every Christmas, birthday etc.

OP posts:
MyGlassMenagerie · 21/06/2026 08:34

Of course YANBU. It’s their parents who have presumably instilled their (lack of) values and compassion in the first place, this is the natural consequence.

loveawineloveacrisp · 21/06/2026 08:35

No. They're old enough to think for themselves.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 21/06/2026 08:36

I would have taken them to the shop to choose cards! Especially as the younger ones had got stuff for him.

EasilyRemedied · 21/06/2026 08:37

You are right they are old enough to sort it themselves, but I (of course) had to prompt my 18 and 16 year olds into getting something yesterday 🤦‍♀️

Lulu1919 · 21/06/2026 08:40

They are old enough to sort for themselves- and you dud mention it - maybe their mum has sorted ?

Whaleandsnail6 · 21/06/2026 08:41

Yanbu, they are old enough to sort something out themselves.

Although saying that, I had to prompt my 16 and 15 year olds to pick a present and card for their dad. I sent them the Amazon link and told them to add something to the basket so I did take control there. Maybe I'm unreasonable for pretty much facilitating and should have left them to it, but I didn't want their dad to wake up to nothing if they didn't get their arse in gear

I do think if you have got a card from the little ones, I would ask the older ones if they wanted to add their names to it. Wouldn't hurt for the card to be off them all

RoseField1 · 21/06/2026 08:42

Of course not! If they don't want to get him anything that's up to them.

RoseField1 · 21/06/2026 08:42

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 21/06/2026 08:36

I would have taken them to the shop to choose cards! Especially as the younger ones had got stuff for him.

They are 15 and 17??

WimpoleHat · 21/06/2026 08:45

You reminded them. If they’d looked stricken and said “”oh no - what shall we do?”, I’m sure you’d have given them a lift into town and lent them a tenner. But they didn’t. Beyond that, they’re old enough to sort themselves out. If they’d looked stricken were 5 and 7? Maybe. 15 and 17? No way.

PurpleThistle7 · 21/06/2026 08:45

I think that’s fair enough. If they have their own money and the ability to buy things, they can figure it out (just in case you have to drive everywhere or they don’t have access to money themselves).

Original poster
Costelloviber · 21/06/2026 08:55

Thanks for your replies. Yesterday I was pretty sure I was being reasonable but this morning I suddenly had huge doubt. It's been some years since they've been with us for father's day (just how the agreement panned out) so it hadn't really been on my radar.

The younger ones have made their cards so I probably won't get the older ones to sign them. Plus, they won't be awake now for a few hours so it'll be a bit late.

DSS don't really go out to any big shops independently (again, no need to as everything is done for them) but I'm sure they could at least have got a card. As a pp said, if they'd said oh no we forgot, can you help us I'd have had no problem. But they really hadn't thought about it and when I asked they didn't react 'oops', they seemed very much to be thinking why is it our problem? So that kind of made my mind up.

I suppose if DH is upset then maybe he needs to look at why they didn't do anything, not why I didn't do anything.

I have got a present which the younger ones will give him but it's more a family thing we can all use so I might just not put any names on it and so it can be from whomever he'd like it to be.

OP posts:
SwitchUpTime · 21/06/2026 08:55

I organise the present for my DC, 15 and 17, to give their Dad. I usually do this so that my DH gets a decent present, something he needs, rather than wasting money on cheap tat or chocolate he won’t eat.

My kids are of course happy with this arrangement and do ask if I’ve sorted it. So the thought is there but not the effort. They would be angry with me though if there was nothing to give their DF as he does so much for them.

@Costelloviber if you can, dash out to pick something up for them to give, they need to learn to show their appreciation to their dad. You’ll be helping them to learn - not to forget Father’s Day - for the future when they no longer live at home and have you on hand to help.

BaronessBomburst · 21/06/2026 08:56

It's not too late for them to arrange something - if they can be bothered. Do you have shops nearby?
If they can't be bothered, that's on the parents.

RoseField1 · 21/06/2026 08:58

SwitchUpTime · 21/06/2026 08:55

I organise the present for my DC, 15 and 17, to give their Dad. I usually do this so that my DH gets a decent present, something he needs, rather than wasting money on cheap tat or chocolate he won’t eat.

My kids are of course happy with this arrangement and do ask if I’ve sorted it. So the thought is there but not the effort. They would be angry with me though if there was nothing to give their DF as he does so much for them.

@Costelloviber if you can, dash out to pick something up for them to give, they need to learn to show their appreciation to their dad. You’ll be helping them to learn - not to forget Father’s Day - for the future when they no longer live at home and have you on hand to help.

Your kids would be angry with you if you didn't get him a father's day gift? Do they get him their own cards at least?

SwitchUpTime · 21/06/2026 09:01

RoseField1 · 21/06/2026 08:58

Your kids would be angry with you if you didn't get him a father's day gift? Do they get him their own cards at least?

Show quote history

Yes both bought cards. They would be angry because I usually do it and if I wasn’t going to I should have told them to sort it.

deeahgwitch · 21/06/2026 09:14

“…… I suppose if DH is upset then maybe he needs to look at why they didn’t do anything, not why I didn’t do anything…”

This 💯 @Costelloviber
You reap what you sow and if the boys haven’t been taught about consideration for others by their parents, well they won’t be very considerate will they.
They come across from your post as spoiled, “little emperor” type children. How do they treat their half siblings ?
On the other hand perhaps they just don’t like their Dad and his new family but have to go along with it as they are not yet financially independent.

gingercat02 · 21/06/2026 09:18

They must pass a corner shop somewhere in their lives, a card and a box of chocolates would have been fine. Lazy!

socks1107 · 21/06/2026 09:20

Yanbu. They are more than old enough.
i stopped for my sd at 15 when she got pocket money, she’s never bothered and she’s 20 now. My dh is so hurt every year but I’m not mopping up after an adult

whiteroseredrose · 21/06/2026 09:26

Mine had to be reminded but sorted cards themselves from about10. So no. They are responsible.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 21/06/2026 09:28

Yanbu, I had the same situation with DSC as teens. They’re old enough sort it themselves. If you don’t teach them that no one is going to do everything for them, no one will.

Tbh nothing changed with DSC, they are useless young adults, but that’s not my problem. That’s how their parents raised them.

TheBloomingDahlia · 21/06/2026 09:29

They are old enough to buy their own presents and if DH is disappointed he can express that to them not you. Even if the relationship is not good, it’s up their own parents to remind them. Do they usually they get their mum anything for Mother’s Day?

Nutmuncher · 21/06/2026 09:32

If neither of their parents have instilled any sense of awareness into them then what can you do? It’s not your fault, a few more years then they’ll be no longer interested in coming to stay so just hold on until then 😅

getsomehelp · 21/06/2026 09:50

I would have thought it was their mother’s responsibility to have reminded them.
depending on the relationship between the birth parents ?
You tried, they weren’t bothered

Original poster
Costelloviber · 21/06/2026 10:01

TheBloomingDahlia · 21/06/2026 09:29

They are old enough to buy their own presents and if DH is disappointed he can express that to them not you. Even if the relationship is not good, it’s up their own parents to remind them. Do they usually they get their mum anything for Mother’s Day?

They don't do anything for mother's day (I mean I'm pretty sure they don't but am obviously not there. If they do I'd guarantee it's because their stepfather buys it from them). The relationship between them all is really good, it's not about that really.

They don't do anything for birthdays or christmas - nothing for each other or their parents I mean, I don't think I'd expect them to buy for everyone attending. They see Christmas as them getting gifts, not a time for giving.

I am very definitely expecting the younger children to be involved with the thought behind presents at these times - even though it's me that buys them obviously. But I feel as though I'm fairly powerless in trying to 'teach' DSSs at this point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Costelloviber · 21/06/2026 10:09

deeahgwitch · 21/06/2026 09:14

“…… I suppose if DH is upset then maybe he needs to look at why they didn’t do anything, not why I didn’t do anything…”

This 💯 @Costelloviber
You reap what you sow and if the boys haven’t been taught about consideration for others by their parents, well they won’t be very considerate will they.
They come across from your post as spoiled, “little emperor” type children. How do they treat their half siblings ?
On the other hand perhaps they just don’t like their Dad and his new family but have to go along with it as they are not yet financially independent.

They're not bad kids at all, and there's no problems in terms of our family set up. They're just very... 'unbothered' personalities is probably how I'd word it - which is great in a lot of ways as they are easy-going, pleasant people. But I feel that's a very privileged position to be in and the downside is that can often translate into being lazy with other people's feelings. They kind of just expect things that are given to them and it's not that they're UNgrateful but the thought of saying thank you for anything except a direct present (like a meal out or an activity) is a bit alien to them.

I don't know if it's my place to try and change that - or indeed I even can at this stage!

OP posts: