To think in a lot of instances happiness is a choice

[Strangerpings]

Before I start this thread, I’m not talking about people who have depression or have a mental health condition.

AIBU to think that in most instances, happiness is a choice, and many people decide they just aren’t going to be happy?

I’m not suggesting that people should never feel sad. We all do from time to time when sad things happen, but at a fundamental base level, contentment and happiness is a choice?

I have friends and relatives who do nothing but moan about their lives but never mention that they have a nice home, good health, healthy and happy kids. Just always what they don’t have, and do nothing to change that.

My grandparents had very little materially but they were (or certainly seemed to be) happy and content with their lot.

Just putting this out for discussion as I’m not sure if I’m being reasonable or not.

It's definitely a way of thinking I think, that's often absorbed from parents.

I was fortunate enough to grow up in a large Irish/English working class family, where just about everyone had a very optimistic outlook no matter how little we had at times.

I've kept that optimism and passed it onto my 3 adult DC and I'd say we're definitely all the better for it, even though recently we've been through some imaginably hard times.

Some people find optimism and happiness incredibly difficult even when life is going ok.

I agree, and also like @ShamrockShenanigans I'm Irish. There's a theory I've read before about Irish people and emotions.. as Gaeilge (in Irish) emotions are on people - "tá athas orm" translates to happiness is upon me. I've read thinking that this has resulted in an Irish attitude that emotions are temporary rather than a fundamental part of you, so they wax and wane. It makes sense to me.

Separately, I also think we need to shift our own mindsets from always wanting/needing to be happy to being content. It's a much more stable way of approaching life I think.

I completely agree.

Have you read The Choice by Edith Eger? It's basically about choosing happiness/freedom/joy over the opposite. Author was in Auschwitz, went through some blooming terrible stuff, came out of it and made a career out of teaching others to make active daily decisions to choose happiness.

Pretty incredible woman. She just passed away a few weeks ago.

I agree that being content is much more important and achievable than being happy. I also believe it is your responsbilitiy and noone elses, not your partner, parents, children, boss etc. If you aren't content with your life it is up to you to change what you can, accept what you can't and learn to tell the difference as the old prayer says.

Sorry, no, total bollocks with a side order of toxic positivity.

The whole point is society, community is what makes people happy - your grandparents grew up in a time where that was strong.

Interesting. Sometimes I think moaning (I often notice it more in older people) has become an irritating, depressing habit which the person themselves isn't even aware of. Older people get more ailments and find common ground with other older people with ailments by not being able to shut up about them. So maybe complaining makes them feel happy and connected. There's also a theory that angry, bitter, people can live a long time, literally feeding off their anger. I do know a couple like this.

I don't know if I agree actually as I think our baseline of happiness is largely pre determined, i.e. genetic or epigenetic. Doesn't the evidence suggest that we always return to our natural baseline outside of particular highs and lows?

Even if you don't believe that, I also think you don't know what people have gone through earlier in life to lead them to that outlook, even if life looks good on the surface. Someone above mentioned growing up in a big, optimistic family, that obviously makes a huge difference. I've always found it hard to be happy but I grew up in a small, angry family that was at war a lot of the time and I've always struggled with friendships. It's not as simple as thinking "oh, I should appreciate the little things more" and wow suddenly I've decided to be happy.

With some people, yes. I think especially people who compare themselves to others a lot or who spend a lot of time wishing for better things but feel like it's unfair they don't just manifest without them doing anything towards making it happen.

I find some people seem to avoid happiness, or at least positivity, because they're worried they will seem 'stupid', and that 'smart' people are cynical and miserable and eventually they start believing the negativity they express.

That's a great way of putting it ☘

Agreed, a woman on here was complaining that she had spent £500 over a weekend doing nothing.

When she listed what she did, she had been on multiple meals out - brunches, coffee etc.

It made me think back to when going out to dinner once in a blue moon was a memorable treat. I am not saying we should stop going out - but at least enjoy it, otherwise what is the point!

Yes it is a choice. But it’s taken me a few decades to acknowledge this.

On the whole, YANBU. We have a choice whether to focus on moaning or showing gratitude. This is assuming there are good foundations.

So, for example if someone is living in bad circumstances through no fault of their own eg domestic abuse, job loss, trauma, we cannot expect this person to be happy or to be able to decide to be happy.

So I don’t think happiness is totally under our control but we do have significant levels of control over it.

Contentment is the key to happiness. If you notice when you are content, you will feel happy.

A lot of happiness hinges on people’s relationships with others . Don’t hesitate to remove or avoid as much as possible negative people who drain you and put you down out from your life .

I wouldn’t personally call it a choice, I’d call it a skill.

I know some very comfortable people who seem to get some sort of dopamine hit from talking about their woes and other peoples. So yes some people do decide to feel unhappy.

it’s like when you read some reviews of hotels or restaurants. Some people think they are meant to be unhappy and find fault. Others went to the same place and decided to enjoy it. A choice is made.

I think this is a really British cultural phenomenon. We didn’t used to call them “Whingin’ Poms” for nothing.

I don’t think anyone is suggesting that Irish syntax changes how we see the world, more that the way the language developed expressed the attitude of the culture who spoke it — that emotions rest temporarily on you rather than being fundamental.

I do also wonder about the worldview expressed by the fact that we don’t really have a verb ‘to have’. If you want to say ‘I have the ball’ in Irish, you say ‘Tá an liathróid agam’ (‘The ball is at me’)…

Oh @TigTails you do know that those people had crossed to the other side of the world with little or no contact with family left behind and no prospect of flying back at any time. I worked with many Ozzies in the 70s and 80s who were just as vocal about how much better it was where they came from and wanting treats and comforts from home. They hadn’t even come permanently, just the usual two years. People who move to other countries have always done this

I think being happy and content is an active choice. It’s not about putting up with rubbish, giving up on your dreams or letting yourself be treated badly, but more about actively making changes to improve things when they aren’t great, putting in the effort to make better decisions, being honest with yourself and not constantly comparing yourself to other people.

I don't know if I agree actually as I think our baseline of happiness is largely pre determined, i.e. genetic or epigenetic. Doesn't the evidence suggest that we always return to our natural baseline outside of particular highs and lows?

Where'd you get that from?

Someone above mentioned growing up in a big, optimistic family, that obviously makes a huge difference. I've always found it hard to be happy but I grew up in a small, angry family that was at war a lot of the time

As Tolstoy wrote:
All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

I completely agree and I say that as one of the people who probably “chooses” unhappiness. I can recognise that I have a lovely life, partner and I adore my children but internally I can’t help but look for the sadness or something to get me down and I absolutely hate it. It’s a product of my upbringing and at some point I will explore speaking to someone to try and resolve it because it’s a horrible way to live. My partner is the polar opposite which can feel like both a blessing and a curse depending on the situation. In my defence though I never project this onto anyone else, I just internally drive myself insane

I think keeping busy so you don’t have time to wallow helps. Years ago life was much harder, but you were too busy with the daily toil to have time to sit and think if I’m happy or depressed!! You just got on with it.

I you have a point to a certain extent OP. I think everyone's situation can be different in ways we can't always see. I think it is possible that from the outside we might think someone is the life and soul and yet privately they are quite unhappy and someone who seems more subdued and withdrawn might actually be very happy. We might think someone is complaining and being difficult or negative but they might not be telling you the half of it, or someone who seems to jolly themselves along might deep down struggle and be unhappy. Its just too complex to make a surface and simple judgement. I have read that happiness is also biological or genetic to a certain degree and that people have a sort of happiness set point where regardless of their circumstances they tend to always return to after a dip or a high.

However to some degree we can choose how we react to certain things in order to experience less suffering.