To think in a lot of instances happiness is a choice

[Strangerpings]

Before I start this thread, I’m not talking about people who have depression or have a mental health condition.

AIBU to think that in most instances, happiness is a choice, and many people decide they just aren’t going to be happy?

I’m not suggesting that people should never feel sad. We all do from time to time when sad things happen, but at a fundamental base level, contentment and happiness is a choice?

I have friends and relatives who do nothing but moan about their lives but never mention that they have a nice home, good health, healthy and happy kids. Just always what they don’t have, and do nothing to change that.

My grandparents had very little materially but they were (or certainly seemed to be) happy and content with their lot.

Just putting this out for discussion as I’m not sure if I’m being reasonable or not.

I had a similar thread , but didn’t get many replies. There are some people out there that just focus on what they don’t have.

I’m generally content with my life. Are there some shit things about it ? Yes. But there are plenty of ok , good and great things about it too and that’s good enough.

I agree OP, and I am treated with anti-depressants for OCD which has destroyed me to be honest (the OCD, not the medication). On paper I have the most gorgeous life in the world but I am a prisoner in my own head - I am able to recognise and be thankful for the positives but the negatives are something I can ruminate on obsessively and indefinitely. I’ve woken up today to the gorgeous sunshine. All I have to do today is potter in my rose garden, take my little boy riding on his pony and to his swimming lesson and do a bit of housework. My sweet husband is treating us to a curry tonight and we’re having a movie night. All incredibly privileged and happy and gorgeous. But all I am thinking about around and around is a bad thing that happened at work this week (wasn’t my fault, nothing to do with me, I’ve just centred myself AGAIN) and it’s making me feel sick and shaky and miserable. Like I said, I am a prisoner in my own head and I despise it. I try to choose happiness and I wish I were more skilled at it, because I hate myself for it to be honest.

Was talking about this with my eldest who for a time had some fixed ideas about what he needed to be happy. He still remembers a talk we had about the joy of small things, appreciating people and places and weathers and food and nature… I described the pleasure in walking to a shop with a chatty toddler or the joy of a ripe mango. He was scathing. He now appreciates all of the above and believes himself to be very happy especially compared to his peers. I love that he remembered and came back to a conversation where he was convinced I was a simpleton. One of my children is naturally ebullient and excitable and the other a little grump. It will be interesting to see the grump softens too. My parents modelled engagement and are still happy in their mid 80s. Objectively I have gone through some tough times but I still feel happiness even at the tough times. DH is not like this. He has spent years with suicidal ideation and serious mental health issues. It was him who noticed how much I enjoy little things - I had never considered it really. It hasn’t rubbed off on him - I am not sure if he needs to be married to someone like me or if it is an awful contrast. Right am off to walk past my untidied kitchen, past the wash pile to go and see what is happening in my pond today before having a good coffee next to my roses.

OCD is a horrid illness. I hope you can learn to be generous with yourself. You are treating it and working to find your way through it. You are being strong and determined and everytime you find some ease you are triumphing. When you don’t you are having to work harder than those around you and need to appreciate the effort that takes. Hate it but not you. You aren’t the same. Hope you do enjoy your roses too.

Yes, a lot depends on your attitude. If you are grateful for the things you do have rather than focused on the things you don’t then you will generally have a more positive outlook.
However I think it’s worth remembering that people are not always as happy or unhappy as they appear.

I see your post as the disproving the OP’s viewpoint. You seem to be hardwired to view life the way you do. You are not freely choosing it. You are aware of it, dislike it, but so far have been unable to change it. Others are hard wired the other way. It takes sustained work over a long time to try to change programming. And some are not able to. I had a psychologist friend who clearly knew all the tricks in the book of good mental health. She committed suicide.

We are essentially biological machines, programmed by genetics, life and, my guess is this is the smallest part, our own effort to change our thinking.

Of course optimistic people accredit their own brilliance for their outlook. But they were probably born with it.

Have grace for yourself. Your programming is making you blame yourself for something you were probably born with. If you want to shift some of that, seek help and be prepared for a long slog.

MIL: it will probably rain and we can't go to the beach. So and so are monied, look what they've got. I grew up poor. I was embarassed at uni meals. FIL and I grew up in the war and had nothing, it stays with you. People like us can't do x, y and z. Ordering G&T's while waiting for pub take away fish and chips is extravagant. Doesn't like the neighbours, the vicar, falls out with people. Has a million quid stashed away.

Mum: we can still have fun at the beach if we kagoule up. Look at so and so, such a beautiful house, lovely clothes - the dc are lovely and they all work so hard. I had everything as a child, two pairs of shoes! I loved London and parties and learnt not to be a bumpkin. I had so many sweets in the war, grandma and grandad's ration and the greats and the uncle's who were away and grandad could always lay his hands on cream cakes. You have to enjoy yourself - life's too short not to. Her doorbell and phone never stop and she still has a million stashed away.

Glass half full or half empty. It's nature. MIL's sibs are far jollier.

I think a lot of people are unhappy, despite having good lives, because they constantly compare themselves to others. Social media exacerbates this because so many people, especially influencers, project an idealised image of their lives.

I agree you can choose to be happy/content. I’ve always had an optimistic outlook but recent job changes have had me on a constant look out for ‘something better’ and questioning my job/life. It’s easy to get caught up in the whirl wind of what we ‘should’ be doing and what’s next, all my big milestones in life have been hit, so was making myself feel quite miserable and stressed with external pressures that only existed in my head! I have consciously had to change my thinking to remind myself that actually my job is fine and how to be grateful and stop chasing the ‘next thing’. I am now much happier.

Theres quite a lot of research about high stress even whilst you are in the womb and very early trauma can leave you viewing the world through a different lens. Your brain is sort of primed for fight/flight from the word go.

So maybe happiness is like that - just luck at an early development stage. I'm a fairly happy nature. Im stull human so i still feel grief and other emotions deeply. But day to day i am let's make the best of this or part of the day went well, wasnt that great. Whereas my dh finds if something goes wrong the whole day is ruined.

It’s really interesting but leaves me with more questions. I was an unwanted pregnancy to a chaotic stressed mother who smoked and drank. I was born early and was unwell. Was then in foster care and then adopted. I was then well lived and looked after. This seems a bigger benefit than my husband’s experience of a happily pregnant mother and good early years parenting before a critical and authoritarian style was used once he was an older child.

In the past, most people were too busy just trying to survive that they wouldn’t have time to think if they were happy or not. Modern life seems to give us too much time to evaluate how we’re feeling.

Agreed. It’s often the way things are framed. I’m not going to say a person can ever frame something truly tragic and hideous in a positive light but minor infractions for sure. You can either look at something like it’s the absolute end of times or just shrug it off and think of alternative solutions.

Maybe the development point for happiness comes older, it could be teens, the brain does all sorts at that stage.

It woukd be so interesting to know.

I only know a little about the research into the early stages and fight flight as ive had to do a lot of training in violent and challenging behaviour and the risk factors (which arent absolute) i think it was cortisol cross over the placenta at a fairly specific point in development. I guess its possible to have a stressed chaotic mum that wasnt producing high cortisol at that development point.

Yes I think in most cases we can endeavour to bloom where we’re planted. Sometimes that’s very difficult, granted, but I think we can try 😃🌺

Yes of course. Its all about your mindset.

your mindset - well there is a clue in the word / the way your mind is SET matters a lot

and your mind is set by early experiences and your genes

so whilst it is possible to unset your mind over time, become naturally happier- for many it’s hard work not a simple “choice”

it’s a simple choice to choose between crisp flavours, a much harder choice to not have crisps or chocolate at all

and if you don’t know how to change your mindset - which many don’t - it’s even harder

People have too much time to think if they are happy or not. In the past it was just about surviving each day. If we had a major disaster or event (another world war for example) we probably wouldn’t be sitting thinking about our feelings. We would be trying to deal with the situation we found ourselves living in.

I think it's not so much "choice" as predisposition. Which may contain an element of choice.

Excluding clinical depression and seriously traumatic events (such as life threatening illness, DV, financial crisis), I do think people have a 'baseline' of contentment. Some people are naturally sunny, optimistic people who tend to perceive the world as favourable, others tend to regard life as a series of chores and challenges.

To an extent you can teach yourself to modify this: you can certainly learn how to be more "content" even if you are not actually "happy". I do think it's a skill which comes with age and experience. Going through some difficult life experiences and surviving them is likely to teach some degree of resilience which will lead to gratitude and acceptance, if not actual happiness.

That said, I don't think it's necessarily always good to be content. There is a place for anger and complaint: if people are overwhelmingly accepting of everything that is thrown at them they will not affect positive change.

I mostly agree with you, but I think as a pp says, contentment is the key. If your baseline for what you think you 'should' have in life is unrealistic, you're going to find happiness much harder.

My late husband was king of the discontent. He would have told you he drank because he was unhappy, but he never made any changes. He hated his job - but never made any effort to find one he liked. He felt his DC were a problem - they were hard working, well mannered, high achieving kids. But (as mid teens) they occasionally said 'fuck' (never at anyone!) and that made them 100% bad. We were financially comfortable, own home with no mortgage, life was pretty damn good - but he couldn't see it.

Over time, I’ve come to see life being like a long journey on the sea. There’s peaks and there’s troughs but nothing is forever. Tomorrow is always a fresh new day.
I’m well aware that this sentiment is not universally shared. There are some that live their life in a state of ingratitude, resentful of what they don’t have or what doesn’t go to their expectation.
My DH and I have just eased out a couple that in recent years have been sapping to spend time with. At first you give them time, then the benefit of the doubt, then suppress the irritation until it becomes to much to bear. You can’t serve other people’s desire for misery.
Just spending time to consider the small things is what I think helps. Anyway, I’m happy and just deal with short lived shit as it arises.

@wherevernow and @Finish thank you so much for taking the time to reach out with kind words, I appreciate it so much. Especially at a time I’m finding really dark and don’t feel worthy of any kindness. Thank you ❤️

I agree, particularly off the back of a horrendous few years.

Many of my relatives will never be happy, will never choose to not have conflict or not put themselves in a shit situation. I decided a few years ago that I would choose to be happy, and actively work towards it. Its not a magic pill, you still have shit times and feel depressed. But its helped me not get so bogged down in things I cant change and change the things I can.