To think in a lot of instances happiness is a choice

[Strangerpings]

Before I start this thread, I’m not talking about people who have depression or have a mental health condition.

AIBU to think that in most instances, happiness is a choice, and many people decide they just aren’t going to be happy?

I’m not suggesting that people should never feel sad. We all do from time to time when sad things happen, but at a fundamental base level, contentment and happiness is a choice?

I have friends and relatives who do nothing but moan about their lives but never mention that they have a nice home, good health, healthy and happy kids. Just always what they don’t have, and do nothing to change that.

My grandparents had very little materially but they were (or certainly seemed to be) happy and content with their lot.

Just putting this out for discussion as I’m not sure if I’m being reasonable or not.

Yet another thread where the OP disappears after their first post ...

This is so interesting! I’m from a similar background and through some serious ups and downs have never lost that optimism….it will be grand. Maybe it’s an Irish thing

Most of us have the great good fortune to be born in the latter half of the twentieth century or the beginning of the twenty first century in a developed country. Everyone of us is better off than 99% of people in history. A little bit of context should make you at the very least content.

“Nothing’s so bad that it couldn’t be worse”

Errrm thanks Nan?!?! 👀🤣

I agree with this.

And I think the learning process is probably different for different personalities, backgrounds, etc. I have long term depression and have cultivated my sense of gratitude for small things, sense of humour, etc to the point where I am often described as optimistic, cheerful, etc. I am sometimes glad I have had to do this!

I do think some people are chronically discontented and permanently unimpressed by anything.

Thanks all, it’s interesting to get some different views. Interesting so many people from an Irish background agree!

In increasingly find one relative’s negativity just overwhelming. They book a holiday and spend all their time complaining about the weather forecast. Complain about everything. I just don’t know what they get out of it. And yes, you guessed it, the weather on holiday was fine.

I've thought this before, but tried to 'be fair' and credit it to people's upbringing and examples they were set rather than being a complete choice. BUT I then start thinking about 2 people I have known who are never happy / always moaning, and

• 1 of them I have known both siblings since childhood (over 50 years) and only one is like this, the other is much happier in life and outlook.
• the other I've also known for 45 years + and, whatever her parents or childhood life was like, she was married for 50 odd years to a lovely man who was positive, friendly, solution focused, humorous but overall content with his life, so you'd think some of that would have rubbed off if it were your environment that shaped your views.

So I've come to the conclusion there must be something to do with the personality you are born with as well as some of your examples and influences growing up. Anyone can decide to put into practice a more positive mindset though.

Comparison is the thief of joy. If you spend lots of time on social media you can end up feeling sad about your own self/ life in comparison.

To some extent. I have baseline contentment most of the time. Small things give me great joy. Most of the time I don’t compare myself or my situation to others. I don’t want or need a lot of material items. BUT there is a limit. Decades of seeing a parent’s health decline bit by bit from dementia, and the drip drip drip of the long goodbye, knowing each time I see them I’ll be met with unimaginable horrors. Never knowing when it will end. I feel the most unhappy I’ve ever felt some days. Yet I can leave the care home each week and see something simple like an autumn leaf and still feel great joy.

I know you say you don’t mean depression etc, so I’m assuming that means you don’t mean hormones too- I posted recently saying look at me five years ago and you’d be floored by the difference, part of this is hormones and peri, part of this is I am exhausted!!

I don’t think I ever knew what exhaustion was, I worked a Monday to Fri 9-5 with children and thought I was tired but I was happy and life wasn’t that hard, now age 46 I’ve lost people I love, I’m working Monday to Sunday ft in retail so I rarely stay in bed as school run Mondays to Fridays plus work, two days off I’m still up with the kids plus getting house in order then Saturday and Sunday up again for full days (I’m sitting in the car right now- one Saturday/ Sunday off a month, older mum who needs help, relationship issues because he’s exhausted too, my own health issues- I find it very very difficult to put on a positive attitude now (I still try a lot but it’s so hard).

I see my mil now, the most ‘don’t worry it’ll be fine’ person I’d ever met twenty five years ago, now has lost her dh, her best friend, all siblings, unable to walk .., you wouldn’t know her personality now either- I’d never heard a bitter word out of her mouth until the last ten years now- I can’t badmouth her because still a legend but my god

I feel so sad saying this but happiness is a privilege. Life is hard

I agree. Spending time with in laws confirms this. Both extremely negative. You leave their company feeling worse than when you went in. Their lives are objectively great but their default setting is negative. I can’t bear it.

I remember reading a study that found a year after a huge event good or bad (winning the lottery or having a health event) people go back to their default state. So if you’re a moaner and win the lottery you remain a moaner. A positive person who becomes disabled gets back to being positive

I see mid life people quite literally on their deathbed and they are jolly and positive and I come away feeling buoyed up. Then healthy young couples with everything who are miserable and spiky.

I do think you have a point, although I agree if you're genuinely unhappy then just thinking of something else isn't going to change that.

We even see in therapy how techniques like CBT help people change thought patterns to manage worry or anxiety, because their thought patterns are too tuned in to the negative/ hyper aware. I say this as someone who has had CBT by the way, it was very helpful.

So I do agree that it can be largely about how you approach things, although not always.

I think social media and the consumerist culture we live in have a lot to answer in terms of peoples unhappiness. Comparison is the thief of joy, as the old saying goes, and if you're comparing your perfectly fine and adequate life to the glamour of an insta influencer or the glossy adverts in magazines, you're always going to feel like you've got the poor deal even though you have a lot that could make you happy.

Nah, I agree with the OP and I have chronic depression and anxiety. It’s not “communities” job to keep you happy. It’s your responsibility to stay well enough to be a functioning member of society.

Obviously there are people who are genuinely unhappy for good reasons but in general I agree

Happiness is a state of mind and some people just love to moan, complain and blame others for their situation when they would be much better trying to do something to make their lives better.

You are pretty spot on OP. Of course there will be some conditions where this is not possible, and some conditions that make it very difficult. As I said up thread I have depression and anxiety, and some of the time I’m too exhausted to make a good choice.

I think a lot of it is modern life, consumer society, that we’re being programmed to always want more. To improve ourselves, materially & otherwise. We’re always trying to feed the lack (of they are!). It’s relentless now, more than ever, in the digital age. I can see why young people are anxious & suffering MH issues (as if normal teen angst wasn’t enough!). But, of course, this attitude was there long before the Internet. I’m a glass half full person, luckily! Not to say I never have bad times, but I don’t dwell on them.

I disagree it’s absorbed from parents. It’s innate. If anything negative parents can produce an extreme positive child who reacts against their gloom. I should know as I married one!

I also think that people have their natural make up / personality, as well. When you look at your kid & can see parts of you, parts of their father, other family for example. And their own core ways / learned behaviours. There’s so many different flavours of us! But we are being somewhat homogenised to be less satisfied…

I broadly agree with you, OP. One person who stands out in my memory was this woman I knew because our children were in the same class at school. My god, her moaning was relentless. Some of the other parents at the school were obviously comfortably off, and she was constantly green with envy at their possessions and the homes they lived in. She honestly thought she had been dealt a bum deal in life because she didn't have what some others had. It soured her whole personality. I felt sorry for her average earning husband. She was a SAHM...

I agree, OP. Consumerism persuades people that their lives would ge better if they had x,y and z and social media echoes that ethos and offers up FOMO alongside it.

There's a lot to be said for contentment over happiness; enjoying and appreciating the basics in life: the sun on your face, watching your kids running about happily, a good cup of coffee, a good book or your favourite music. People have branded this 'toxic positivity' and it can be unhealthy if taken too far. It's OK to acknowledge the bad times and to feel the negative feelings - the keys is to not let them dominate your life.

Discontent sells just about everything - look at the number of people that mess with their own faces these days.

I agree, and I have also noticed that those who compare themselves to others and who can’t be happy for others due to jealousy are those who tend to be unhappy.

We don’t have much; we live in a small house which needs redecorating, don’t go out as a couple due to lack of childcare, and live a simple life, but I’m very happy!

Yes and no. A huge chunk of personality is genetic. So some people will be wired to spot threats and downsides. Seeing threats is quite useful in evolution terms.

Yes, people can learn to think differently. But it’s very, very, very hard work. It’s needs constant effort over very long periods of time. Rather like losing weight. And we know what the failure rates are for that.

So if you are born with an optimistic personality, just remember that you are not having to put the constant hard work another would to have that outlook. And then give thanks for the grace of God. Because the accident of birth could have meant it went the other way for you too.