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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU?

58 replies

MumOf2Here · 19/06/2026 12:33

I guess i’ll jump straight in.
AIBU to react this way?

My husband booked a weekend away for my birthday and a spa treatment.
They had a good offer on, so he also booked himself in too. Which i didnt mind at all and we had planned a dinner in the evening.

We are both quite conservative and come from a fairly religious background.
When we booked the treatment he requested a male masseuse for himself. I would never really see a male therapist and he would never see a female therapist.
On arrival we had the treatment, he went first.
The masseuse on my turn asked if i was with my husband to which i replied yes. she responded “i think i just did his massage before yours he looks like x y z and you make a beautiful couple” etc
She was the only massage therapist there that morning.

I was abit taken aback with the whole male/female booking thing.
When we got back to the room he asked how my massage was i said fine, yours? he said fine. I asked did they manage to get your male masseuse to which he replied yes.

I confronted him and he denied it at first until he realised she was the only therapist available tht morning.
He said something had gotten lost in translation and they didnt get the male masseuse and he just ended up going along with it.

He deflected and said your the one who said u kept wanting a spa treatment. next time book it urself.
So the blame shifting had started and he tried to put it on me.

I was upset and taken aback his inability to understand that he lied and then got caught and then lied saying oh the towel was on anyway. and then shifting to blaming it in me somehow.

Im actually really upset by the whole thing. Even if it is just a “massage” like my sister and friend have said.

I came out of a abusive and controlling relationship in the past and this feeling just triggered me somehow.

AIBU? please be kind and honest xx

OP posts:
Loulou4022 · 19/06/2026 12:39

Massage therapists are trained professionals so it shouldn’t really matter who you see. Did he lie because he knew how you’d react?

MumOf2Here · 19/06/2026 12:42

Loulou4022 · 19/06/2026 12:39

Massage therapists are trained professionals so it shouldn’t really matter who you see. Did he lie because he knew how you’d react?

Tbh i didnt argue or over react i just asked the questions and he reacted more than me.
I know they are professional but when you base your marriage on certain boundaries and they are crossed it does leave a sour taste in your mouth. For me its more the lie.

OP posts:
middleagedandinarage · 19/06/2026 12:44

YABU to react like this imo and I assume your dh lied because he knew this is how you'd react if he told the truth. Would you be uncomfortable about him seeing a female doctor?

BuffetTheDietSlayer · 19/06/2026 12:45

What’s the point of ruining a nice thing by getting upset about something so small? Is your life improved by being upset? Has it done anything positive for your relationship?

Loulou4022 · 19/06/2026 12:45

So would you get cross if he saw a female doctor or had a prostate exam with a female nurse?
Personally this sounds a strange boundary.
After years of dealing with children I find if my reaction is calm and measured they will always tell me the truth, if they think I’m gonna get cross they lie! Men are very much the same!

DirtyGertiefromno30 · 19/06/2026 12:48

I am not a bit surprised he lied to you @MumOf2Here.

MumOf2Here · 19/06/2026 12:54

Not at all
would never stop him from seeing female health professionals. also to be clear he is the one who set this “male/female” boundary should have made that more clear.

OP posts:
MumOf2Here · 19/06/2026 12:55

middleagedandinarage · 19/06/2026 12:44

YABU to react like this imo and I assume your dh lied because he knew this is how you'd react if he told the truth. Would you be uncomfortable about him seeing a female doctor?

Your right, i guess that is the reason he didnt tell the truth Although i didnt over react x

OP posts:
Duvetdayneeded · 19/06/2026 12:56

Can your dh not see a female doctor then? Yabu

Sunandsunshine · 19/06/2026 12:56

Yea I agree with you OP.

The fact he lied so easily about this means he most probably would lie about anything. Basically people are either truthful and would never lie or they are liars and can't be trusted to be honest.

And also II would be wondering if his previous stance of never having a female masseuse was all just a front and inr eality he never has had a problem with it.

I think the lie is a big deal in your relationship

LadyLooo · 19/06/2026 12:58

YABU in your reaction

I suspect this was why he didn't want to say anything.

Unless he asked for a 'happy ending', I don't see a problem in a professional massaging him.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 19/06/2026 12:59

I guess he couldn’t help who walked through the door to do his massage and decided to go with it rather than refuse, then didn’t want to make a deal of it with you. Seems innocent enough at first glance unless there are other reasons you’re upset.

TimeForTeaAndG · 19/06/2026 13:00

Well, I assume you went to an actual proper spa and not some dodgy massage parlour so it really would have just been a professional massage.

If the male/female boundary is something he has dictated then I can understand why you'd be annoyed that he tried to lie about it. However he can't be that fussed if he went ahead with the treatment anyway.

I wouldn't have questioned it the way you did - you were testing him and setting him up to fail. I'd have been more along the lines of "That must have been annoying they didn't have a male on duty today for you, was your treatment ok though? Probably wouldn't matter next time who the masseuse is then?"

IStillHearTheWaves · 19/06/2026 13:02

Sunandsunshine · 19/06/2026 12:56

Yea I agree with you OP.

The fact he lied so easily about this means he most probably would lie about anything. Basically people are either truthful and would never lie or they are liars and can't be trusted to be honest.

And also II would be wondering if his previous stance of never having a female masseuse was all just a front and inr eality he never has had a problem with it.

I think the lie is a big deal in your relationship

Or maybe he made a request, arrived to find that the request couldn't be fulfilled on that particular day and decided to keep quiet so as not to cast a shadow on a nice day.

OP is protesting about 'over-reacting', yet has not only posted a MN thread about this 'issue', but posted it in AIBU with the title 'AIBU'. If she didn't over-react, then surely there would be nothing to query.

YourShyLion · 19/06/2026 13:02

Don't blame him for lying if this is how you react. This is no big deal, it's not even a tiny deal for that matter. You owe your husband an apology for how you've treated him when he was only being nice.

singthing · 19/06/2026 13:03

YABU purely for having "AIBU" as the thread title and nothing more useful, especially when MN will even create relevant titles for you.

middleagedandinarage · 19/06/2026 13:07

MumOf2Here · 19/06/2026 12:55

Your right, i guess that is the reason he didnt tell the truth Although i didnt over react x

Okay maybe more he knew how much it would upset you rather than how you'd react then!

Ablondiebutagoody · 19/06/2026 13:07

He's not in control of the work rota at the spa. YABU and judging by your reaction, I can see why he lied to you.

babasaclover · 19/06/2026 13:08

@MumOf2Herewhat do you think that the masseuse would not be able to keep her hands off him or other way around?

EnterFunnyNameHere · 19/06/2026 13:11

MumOf2Here · 19/06/2026 12:54

Not at all
would never stop him from seeing female health professionals. also to be clear he is the one who set this “male/female” boundary should have made that more clear.

I was going to say YABU, but this changes everything.

If the whole "male for him, female for you" was at his request, but it turns out what he really means is "female for you, I can get whoever" then he's being unreasonable in that if nothing else!

How would he have reacted if the only person working had been a man and you'd had the massage regardless?

JanBlues2026 · 19/06/2026 13:13

He didn’t want a male masseuse he wanted a female one, straight men generally don’t want another man rubbing them down. So I am guessing he never asked for a male masseuse.

MyrtleLion · 19/06/2026 13:14

MumOf2Here · 19/06/2026 12:55

Your right, i guess that is the reason he didnt tell the truth Although i didnt over react x

He lied to you. That is why you are not being unreasonable.

Sunandsunshine · 19/06/2026 13:19

IStillHearTheWaves · 19/06/2026 13:02

Or maybe he made a request, arrived to find that the request couldn't be fulfilled on that particular day and decided to keep quiet so as not to cast a shadow on a nice day.

OP is protesting about 'over-reacting', yet has not only posted a MN thread about this 'issue', but posted it in AIBU with the title 'AIBU'. If she didn't over-react, then surely there would be nothing to query.

He didn't keep quiet.

He activily lied.

And persisted in the lie until he knew OP knew the truth.

He has shown himself to be a liar. He lied to OP, to her face. A person who does that will lie about anything.

OP will never know now whether what he says to her is the truth or not.

Living with a liar is a big deal. She is not over reacting and those who are excusing lies in a relationship are not doing her any favours.

UniquePinkSwan · 19/06/2026 13:22

JanBlues2026 · 19/06/2026 13:13

He didn’t want a male masseuse he wanted a female one, straight men generally don’t want another man rubbing them down. So I am guessing he never asked for a male masseuse.

Bullshit

Lurkingandlearning · 19/06/2026 13:41

Perhaps he realised he had set a boundary that is difficult to enforce and a bit daft and wanted to process that before having a conversation with you about it.

As you can see from the response here asking for a same sex masseuse is not standard practice, although many people will. Some will forego the massage if only the opposite sex is available. The reasons behind that are not clear cut but may include imagining a masseur might have sexual motives. They are professional and no more likely to than a medical professional. Besides being same sex wouldn’t necessarily exclude that.

Perhaps he lied to give himself time to weigh up a change of heart about his rule. I’m being generous because it was a stupid rule and he shouldn’t be setting you any rules whatsoever, but you did go along with it so 🤷🏻‍♀️

When you have the conversation about him lying and that you won’t tolerate that going forward, also discuss any rules/ boundaries that he is imposing without your full backing.

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