Would you apply for Clare’s Law check with no concerns about your partner?

[Latteapparel]

I would appreciate some objective views on this please.

I have been with my new partner for around four months. He couldn’t be more different from the men in my past relationships. He is kind, gentle, emotionally available, a devoted father and, so far, has given me absolutely no reason to think he is violent, abusive or controlling. There are currently no red flags that I can see and this isn’t about any concerns regarding him.

However, I have been in three domestically abusive relationships in the past. In one of those cases, I applied for a Clare’s Law disclosure and the police asked to meet me in person. They told me there was information about him that they considered concerning, although they could not tell me what it was.

That experience has left me wondering whether I should now apply for a Clare’s Law disclosure in my current relationship, even though I don’t have any concerns at all.

Before anyone suggests I need to work on my boundaries or self-esteem, I left each relationship when the domestic abuse became apparent. My concern isn’t that I stayed in abusive relationships; it’s that none of them appeared abusive at the beginning, which is why I’m questioning whether a Clare’s Law check is simply a sensible safeguarding measure for someone with my history.

Part of me thinks it is a practical precaution. Another part of me worries it is unfair or unnecessary when someone has done nothing to make me suspicious.

If you had a history of domestic abuse but no concerns about your current partner, would you apply for a Clare’s Law disclosure as a matter of routine?

Thank you for reading.

What I struggle with is the assumption that there must be something obvious about me that explains them

I think the point being made is not that there’s something about you that is attracting them, but that you may not be picking up on subtle indicators that suggest someone is not a good man. And I’m well aware that violence can also start out of the blue, but there are very often very small clues that indicate someone is not a nice, decent man.

Do it x

I don’t think the two are mutually exclusive.

If someone’s house had been burgled three times, it would be entirely reasonable for them to become more security-conscious and perhaps install an alarm, cameras or stronger locks. That doesn’t necessarily mean there was something inherently wrong with the householder or that they were responsible for the burglaries.

In the same way, my history is relevant because it naturally makes me more aware of risk and more likely to consider safeguarding measures that others might never think about. That doesn’t automatically mean there is a specific flaw in my judgement or some identifiable characteristic that explains every abusive relationship I’ve experienced.

Of course I’ve reflected extensively on whether there are any patterns I should learn from. Equally, I think it’s important not to overstate our ability to predict abusive behaviour. Many perpetrators appear charming, trustworthy and entirely non-abusive until a relationship is well established.

The reason I’m considering Clare’s Law is not because I believe there is something fundamentally wrong with me, but because experience has taught me that abuse is not always apparent at the outset. To me, Clare’s Law is more akin to fitting a burglar alarm after previous break-ins than it is an admission that I somehow caused them.

I don’t disagree that, with hindsight, there may have been subtle indicators in some cases. One of the men I was referring to could be disrespectful and angry towards his elderly mother, and I challenged him on that repeatedly because I considered it unacceptable behaviour.

However, he was never like that with me. We were together for four years without any physical violence. It was only after the death of his father, during an episode where he was extremely upset, angry and distressed, that he pushed me. At that point I ended the relationship, reported the matter to the police and asked him to leave.

That is just one example of the three relationships. The reality is that life and people are often more complex than a neat list of red flags that can be identified in advance.

Whilst some posters seem keen to play psychologist and determine why these relationships happened, my question was actually much simpler than that. Regardless of the reasons, and regardless of whether there were subtle clues that only make sense with hindsight, would you apply for a Clare’s Law disclosure if you had my history?

That is the advice I am genuinely interested in hearing.

Very good point.

See my response above.

Yes but it could come back with something? So that’s the point? You have an odd way to look at this.

It seems the right thing to do at this point in your relationship. More people should do this. I know it’s not fool proof but it’s definitely there to help and thank goodness it is. I hope this fella is as good as he sounds, you deserve to be treated respectfully and enjoy your life.

I don't think so, comes back clear means wasn't caught if there is issues and may give a fase sense of security. Comes back with something sure relationship over but I would be more worried I can't trust my own judgement and would stop dating if that was the case

Yes I think you should. I don't think it's practical for every woman to have one every time they meet someone they're considering dating and I think it's a shame that it's necessary but I think that would be useful. however given your history best case scenario is there's nothing to find out And your mind is put at rest.

Thank you for your advice and kind comments, greatly appreciated.

You keep using the word blame and that's a key takeaway here.

You are asking if I have had a house fire three times should I install a smoke detector? And others are quite rightly responding Yes. But why do you keep having house fires?

It's not about blame but identifying a pattern which you seem closed to exploring.

PP is correct though, if the abuse happened just due to bad luck then there's no need to use them as a basis of requesting a CL check. Everyone should submit one on every male in that case because it's luck of the draw.

That is not an acceptable way to speak to someone.

Yes I agree it would be a good idea to do it. But also not every assault gets reported so it’s not foolproof. Have you had any counselling or done the freedom cause to help you spot early signs

You have absolutely nothing to lose by applying. You gut instinct is to do it, so you should listen.

Sorry you're getting so many unqualified armchair psychologists giving you stick. I'd ignore their ignorance.

In answer to your simple question. Yes, I'd 100% check. I hope it works out well

Yes I think I would.

You should.

But I also agree with PP’s that you should explore why you’ve been in three violent relationships - not because you’re at fault but because it’s incredibly unlikely to be just “bad luck”.

As long as you would actually dump him if it came back with anything bad. Otherwise its a waste of police time.

In your position OP I would apply - although have you tried a general Google of his name with police and hometown in the sentence? It usually brings up any court dates or news articles about them if there are any.

Ie: "Phillip Holder AND police AND Derby"

I've done this for friends in the past and on 3 occasions realised this information about 3 separate men for them:

1. Convicted as stalking (article's in the local news paper). We searched him up when he sent my friend over 4000 texts after meeting her once.

2. Convicted of stalking and harassment and vandalism (stalking + smashing up her car). Searched after he took unhealthy interest in her daughter after 2 dates. He was love bombing by purchasing holidays and expensive day trip tickets. We googled and saw the history.

3. Took a machete to her house and attacked her new boyfriend, smashed up her house and battered her. This was not a surprise to be honest - but our friend didnt listen to these warnings and got married to him. 1 year later he was threatening to kill her grown up kids and smacking her around. He ended up with a restraining order.

Sensible idea - I have had suspicions about people who have started shouting at me after a few dates. I had resolved not to meet the men again. I have spoken to the police about them - they gave me the impression that they will only do a Clare’s Law if you are not going to dump them on the basis of bad behaviour - they wouldn’t check for me because I had already decided not to see the guys.

OP by all means ask for the CL but you might not get it. The other thing I wanted to say is that my brother did one and was falsely reassured because the woman hadn’t been convicted yet.

There’s been some really dangerous advice given on here. First a post suggesting you need to show cause, then suggestions that it can give you peace of mind (no - it’s the lowest possible bar if it comes back negative and doesn’t give you any actual assurance the person hasn’t been violent), then suggesting that you tell the person first, risking them being violent towards you or towards a former partner they belive may disclose against them when faced with the threat of discovery.

Agree - never tell the person that you will be checking if you are scared of them.

Do these requests show up everything? Would they show up cautions that have ‘expired’ for common assault/ threats to kill ?