Would you apply for Clare’s Law check with no concerns about your partner?

[Latteapparel]

I would appreciate some objective views on this please.

I have been with my new partner for around four months. He couldn’t be more different from the men in my past relationships. He is kind, gentle, emotionally available, a devoted father and, so far, has given me absolutely no reason to think he is violent, abusive or controlling. There are currently no red flags that I can see and this isn’t about any concerns regarding him.

However, I have been in three domestically abusive relationships in the past. In one of those cases, I applied for a Clare’s Law disclosure and the police asked to meet me in person. They told me there was information about him that they considered concerning, although they could not tell me what it was.

That experience has left me wondering whether I should now apply for a Clare’s Law disclosure in my current relationship, even though I don’t have any concerns at all.

Before anyone suggests I need to work on my boundaries or self-esteem, I left each relationship when the domestic abuse became apparent. My concern isn’t that I stayed in abusive relationships; it’s that none of them appeared abusive at the beginning, which is why I’m questioning whether a Clare’s Law check is simply a sensible safeguarding measure for someone with my history.

Part of me thinks it is a practical precaution. Another part of me worries it is unfair or unnecessary when someone has done nothing to make me suspicious.

If you had a history of domestic abuse but no concerns about your current partner, would you apply for a Clare’s Law disclosure as a matter of routine?

Thank you for reading.

I’m very sorry you went through this and I hope your next chapter has been much happier. Oh he definitely has his flaws (as we all do) it’s not a case of too good to be true - he’s just, dare I say it, right for me, normal, and thoroughly decent (finally).

Gosh I’m so sorry you went through that for so long. I truly hope your new partner is bringing you all the happiness you deserve and thank you for sharing your experience. 💐

Definitely do it OP. As someone who has also been a victim of domestic abuse (in my marriage) this one does sound good but I’m sure you know that sometimes that in itself can be a red flag of kinds early on, where an abuser is simply wearing a mask of the sort of person you really want. Honestly although I’ve only ever had that one abusive relationship it’s scarred me psychologically to the point that I fully plan to do this for all and any future partners. Better to know if there is something relevant that you’d be better off knowing in their past and get out early if necessary.

I agree with you that domestic abuse can be way more complex and subtle than people give it credit for, and at one point I’d absolutely have said there were no early red flags with my ex husband. Over time I’ve come to understand that there actually were, I just didn’t recognise them as such. In my case because I’d led a rather sheltered life, grew up in a time and place where misogynistic norms were very much still unquestioned, and happily had simply never had the misfortune to come across a dark triad type in any walk of life before.

I don’t think I have a defective personality or whatever, but I can struggle with depression and low self-esteem and these bastards can sniff that sort of thing out somehow. I do think domestic abuse can happen to anyone in a way, but I also believe that abusers target their victims. And that certain people (generally people with super healthy self-esteem and confidence, traditionally attractive, high EQ, no history of trauma or abuse, no mental health struggles, no neurodivergence, and a really healthy approach to relationship boundaries) would recognise a red flag very early, even a pink flag, and simply walk away without a second thought. So those people are less likely to get to the point where abuse has escalated to the point of violence (I don’t believe that’s usually a first sign of abuse) and free themselves very early on from this sort of personality. We can’t all be lucky enough to be that sort of person, but given this relationship dynamic has repeated for you, it’s well worth doing the Freedom Project if you haven’t already to make sure you are well aware of possible early red flags.

@Latteapparel Yes, happily remarried now thank you. Trust still an issue but that's on me as I struggle with how anybody can be so downright cruel.
Interestingly, second husband very different in so many regards to the first - some would argue polar opposites - but that's been a deliberate choice on my part. I wasn't going to be making the same mistake twice!

@Cheeseandolivesplease cross posted! We literally had the same thought about being too good to be true at the beginning being potentially a red flag in itself! Sounds like we’ve had v similar experiences actually.

Sorry I was wrong then in that case.
I hadn't realised that you didn't have to have just cause.

Yes I would

While it may not be the case that those abused do not intentionally choose a partner that is abusive, abusers will certainly often look for a partner that they are aware they can manipulate

you have been in this position before so rather than get further into the relationship get the check done

but remember not all abusers have been caught so never excuse any red flags and please do not rely on those gut feelings or not having them the brain will seek out pleasure which is why we often don’t see or feel right of what is in front of us

@Britneyfan Very similar!
I was only early 20s when I met my now ex-husband and simply didn't want to see the red flags early on. Im fact I probably mistook them for positives e.g. He "cares" about me so much he wants to protect me. No - he wants to control me.
Back in the day there was no education in schools around this; I was so naive to it all.

Given your history I would do it, you have nothing to lose. I wouldn't tell him I had done it though, bit insulting!
I find it interesting you have had it happen to you three times, so there must be something about the men you choose - hence why it's worth checking with this one.
Not having had a history of this, it's not something I would naturally check, no. But in your case it's different. And of course a blank file doesn't mean he won't do it to you, but it will put your mind at rest.

Yes I definitely would. Any of us can be targeted by these men and they often start out absolutely charming, supportive attentive partners in order to pull you in. It’s almost impossible to spot them. Its silly not to check

Wonderful to hear you’re happily married again. Trust will come in time lovely.

That's not true, please do not put women off seeking this information or believing they can't ask until something abusive happens. The OP has good reason to check considering all her previous partners have been abusive.

@Latteapparel I don't know it if ever will fully - we've been together over 10 years now!
Thank you for understanding how hard it is. I think the hardest part for me wasn't leaving the relationship, it was the scars it left.

Of course I won’t tell him! I’m glad you find my history of domestic violence interesting. There definitely must be something about the way I pick them. Come to think of it, I’ve historically been drawn to the ones with the flashing sign above their heads that say “I hit women”

In my experience this is the case, it’s not a dbs of all men
the police are (rightly) providing information that breaches a man’s data protection and right to privacy
they will only do it where the potential harm to you outweighs those rights

this is my experience, I had to firstly go in and tell them why I was concerned for my safety

Not true in my experience

First of all sorry you're getting such judgey posts. I believe your thoughts on this are perfectly sensible.

Clares Law is a great service and I would absolutely encourage anyone to use it. You really never know what's in someone's past but Clares Law might just reveal some issues or give you some peace of mind. Of course it can't tell you everything about a person, but it there's something of concern, personally I'd prefer to know.

I'd been long term with a partner who had a criminal past I had no idea about which came to light over 10 years later (when I was dealing with DV by him).

At this time i found out about Clares Law and I knew I would use it if I was ever in another relationship that was getting serious.

I did begin a relationship a few years later and explained I wanted to do this given my past experience. A decision already made before I met him so no reflection on him specifically. I didnt want to do the check without first telling him. He was absolutely fine about it and understanding.

There was zero to report and we are still together all these years later.

Do you think your partner would be ok with it?

Thank you for correcting the mechanism by which anyone can ask for disclosure. Just wanted to add not ALL my relationships have ended in DV!

Im on a dating group and lots of women said they would be doing them before even agreeing to a first date!

OP it's really not common to have had three relationships which were physically abusive.

It's great that you got out as soon as the abuse started, but you have repeatedly rejected advice to consider how you end up in these relationships in the first place.

You're not going to lose anything by considering how you've ended up in damaging relationships - no one is criticising you, but people are concerned, including women who've experienced abuse themselves.

It's a great idea to use Clare's law to check out a guy, but if you don't try to work out how you attract these men, it's a bit like using the morning after pill for everyday contraception.

You should as they seek out people who fit the victim profile and start by being charming.

Thank you so much for being empathetic and recognising that some posters have been judgey (I suspected that would happen, Mumsnet being what it is). My last relationship was exactly like yours, albeit not as long, with a criminal history I was not aware of. I’m pretty shrude and savvy but he was a complete narcissist and the minute it turned violent I ended the relationship.

You make a really interesting point about explaining to my new partner. I think he would understand, in fact I know he would, it would feel a bit like tainting things if that makes sense? I think I’d like the freedom to find out privately, but your way sounds logical and I’m so happy it worked out for you. We deserve the good ones!

I’m questioning whether a Clare’s Law check is simply a sensible safeguarding measure for someone with my history.

I think I’ve just been bloody unlucky

My difficulty wasn’t recognising abuse once it occurred; it was that none of these men presented as abusive at the outset. That’s precisely why I’m asking about Clare’s Law. The question isn’t whether I ignored obvious warning signs, but whether someone with my history should consider it as a sensible safeguarding tool in future relationships.

You have asked whether someone wth your history should get a CL check done, but are taking umbrage at posters who refer to your history and suggest you should perhaps examine why this has happened. Why is your history relevant (as you seem to think it is) if you’ve just been unlucky?

In your position, I would definitely apply for it.

You won’t be spoiling anything by applying without his knowledge but if you feel you would, then tell him. If you tell a good man that you want to protect yourself from a fourth abusive relationship, then he’ll want to do everything in his power to help you do that, because it’s not about him. If he takes it as an insult, then he’s putting his ego before your sense of safety and wellbeing and he’ll demonstrate that he isn’t a good man.

I don’t reject the idea of self-reflection at all. After three abusive relationships, it would be impossible not to have reflected extensively on them.

What I struggle with is the assumption that there must be something obvious about me that explains them. I had a happy and stable childhood, I’m financially independent, have had a successful career, am trained in mental health support, have a wide circle of friends and interests, and have always been perfectly capable of leaving relationships that were unhealthy. In fact, I left at the first instance of physical violence in every case.

The reality is that domestic abuse does not only happen to people with low self-esteem, poor boundaries or past trauma. It can and does happen to strong, capable, resilient women too. If there were a clear and identifiable “type” that abusers targeted, or if abusive people always revealed themselves early on, there would be little need for Clare’s Law in the first place.

I also don’t think Clare’s Law is analogous to the morning after pill. If anything, it’s more akin to a background check or a smoke alarm: a safeguarding measure designed to identify risk before harm occurs.

Of course I have considered why these relationships happened. I’ve also had healthy relationships. What I am questioning is whether, regardless of those reflections, someone with my history would be sensible to make use of a safeguarding tool that exists specifically because abusive behaviour is often not apparent at the start of a relationship.