AIBU to think adopted children need a mother figure?

[Bertiebiscuit]

Men should not be allowed to adopt children. All children need a mother.

Social workers are highly trained professionals who did do their job. If we could all spot a pedophile at 10 paces, they would all be in prison. Its an uncomfortable truth that no one is going to stop parents killing their children.

Other people were at fault too: sister and work colleague who ignored disturbing comments, doctor who overruled nurse worried about injury. But sws made errors too after the placement.

You mean straight couples should be preferred over lesbian couples, single women etc?

OK, but what if there is not one available? Straight couples are less likely to volunteer to adopt, for one.

Sorry, that was to Deadringer.

So we should ban lesbians adopting?

Or you mean women also abuse? Yes, that's true. Risk IS higher with men though

My question : if paedophile man has a female partner, are they more likely to stop him abusing than a male partner? Probably yes? Or at least not to collaborate?

Just a small point : Ruby Franke was not in a lesbian relationship. She was a conservative Mormon which would make thus less likely. The other evil woman was her business partner, not her girlfriend.

I feel so sorry for all the children murdered and abused by their biological mothers and fathers because, accordng to this thread, the parents must be innocent as they aren't gay men.

I know of a teacher, married to a woman, two children, safeguarding lead at school and very well respected in the community and school. He was convicted of raping a child and had loads of indecent images on his phone. They keep it hidden. They don’t have nonce plastered across their forehead.

this is bollocks. Plenty of women haven’t a caring or maternal bone in their body; plenty of men are wonderful, nurturing, kind parents or father figures.

Just like with the enduring 'should men be banned from working in nurseries?' threads, I think there's a real danger with many people assuming that sexual and or violent abuse - as horrific as they are - are the only kinds of traumatic abuse that evil people can inflict on children.

There may be sex-based differences in which kinds of abuse against children are more often perpetrated; but ultimately it's abusers who abuse, regardless of their sex.

Assuming that it's only/mainly men who abuse children, and thus the vast majority of women get a free pass and automatic immunity from any kind of suspicion, is a bit like buying medical insurance that only covers you for, say, heart-related issues and then assuming it means you're all good and fully protected to travel the world.

My coworker said this once. She said that gay men are too judgemental to raise children alone. The irony.

Women should not be allowed to adopt children. All children need a father.

Great, can I send my two back? The eldest is very shopworn after nearly 19 years and the youngest is a pain in the bum. A refund on all my expenses would be amazing.

What errors did they make? I assume you’re familiar with them and know how they worked this case, and that you’re very familiar with social workers practice in early adoption to be able to make such a statement with confidence. Particularly given the safeguarding review into their practice hasn’t been published yet.

What?? No one is asking you to believe that. Of course not all men are abusers, but how is that relevant? Being placed with two men is a riskier option than with one man, or indeed no men. We are looking surely for the best option for the child not the prospective parents.

Would children be safer with a man or a woman? I refuse to believe you don't know the answer to this very simple question.

Depends on the character of both and to think otherwise is dangerous and an insult to all children who have been abused and killed by women.

Please forward the link for these stats.

Why is that relevant? The person could have experienced adoption through their family, being an adoptee or a bio mother. The most important person in the adoption triad is ALWAYS the child.

Thanks for your reply. Very informative. I’m sorry that you and your eldest have to cope
with so much. I was aware of foetal alcohol syndrome but less aware, beyond withdrawal from drugs, of other conditions associated with in-utero. And yes, I can totally understand what you say about ‘what you see if what you get’ with an older child (to an extent obviously) and that does tally with a family I know of who adopted 4 children including a baby and 3 children ranging up to 11. There is no way I would underestimate the complexity of adoption. I got lucky on the IVF lottery in the end so didn’t get past the scoping stage but I felt I might not qualify based on lack of experience with children and a poor support network. I don’t see adoption as second best but the IVF had a shelf life rapidly expiring and even with the level
of research I did I could see that adoption was a huge challenge and it was clear that, quite rightly, it is about finding homes for children, not children for homes.

I did know about experience with children being required but I guess being a school
teacher and having young relatives took care of that requirement. I am not in any sense disputing the verdict, however I do wonder how they got to the ages they are without other incidents coming to light; surely this can’t be the first time they have either abused a child or engaged in similar activities. There was no mention of any additional evidence from computers or phones being found. Poor Preston. It’s heartbreaking for him and heartbreaking knowing there are thousands of Preston’s defenceless against the adults they rely on to care for them.

The poster is not showing any empathy towards the jailed pair; she is giving the benefit of her lived experience of adoption.

https://www.sociology.ox.ac.uk/article/new-study-indicates-children-raised-same-sex-parents-perform-better-school

Actually, they need more than that. Children cared for outside of their parents need genetic mirroring/regular and meaningful contact with biological adults where its safe to do so. Access to all medical records etc. Children need safety and stability but the things I've mentioned are equally as important for looked after children.

Absolutely this. Many have not had therapy for their infertility and will go for 'second' best. The younger the child is what they usually want as they think the child will have no trauma. Three words: Pre verbal trauma.

Adoption is supposed to be for the good of the child but unfortunately, realistically it's about adults. Open adoptions and letter box is often abandoned by adoptive parents sighting difficulties. When in reality it's not very often the case, the adoptive parent/s often make it difficult or see it as a disruption.

Adopted parents of whatever sex or sexuality hurt their adopted children as much or as rarely as biological parents and their bio kids. Let's not pretend this is anything other than rotten people doing horrific things to an infant.

What "natural human dynamic" are you referring to? Being gay is as "normal' and natural as being straight, it's obviously just not as common.

It's not even as broad as "anti-man". It's anti-GAY-man.