AIBU to think adopted children need a mother figure?

[Bertiebiscuit]

Men should not be allowed to adopt children. All children need a mother.

Numerous studies have found that children who do not live with both biological parents, irrespective of socio-economic status, are far more likely to be sexually abused than their peers in traditional families.

https://www.cis.org.au/commentary/opinion/abuse-a-bigger-danger-in-non-traditional-families/

Well we know men often don't intervene with a female abuser. They may work to placate, but they don't remove the child from the abusive situation. That's why so many people have the experience of an abusive mum, and a permissive but sort of kind father.

Perhaps it would be better to have reform?

As in regular check in with the adopted child until the reach 18?

Let's start properly protecting children who are adopted.

Numerous studies have found that children who do not live with both biological parents, irrespective of socio-economic status, are far more likely to be sexually abused than their peers in traditional families.

www.cis.org.au/commentary/opinion/abuse-a-bigger-danger-in-non-traditional-families/

Hi, Saviour. Wanna medal?

As an experienced adopter, I agree with you about the importance of meaningful contact with birth family members. Sadly, my elder daughter will never be able to reunify with her parents of origin as they are both dead. My younger daughter has regular meet-ups with her birth mum, probably about six-10 times a year and they partake in fun activities like the cinema, bowling, dog walks, trips to the park, shopping and meals out. Her birth mum and I have a mutually respectful and supportive relationship and I absolutely see the importance and benefit to my/our child’s wellbeing, sense of identity and understanding of her place in the world. The family courts are now pushing for ongoing direct contact with birth family members for adoptive children, where safe and appropriate.

Yes I agree with you, a loving adoptive parent might be better than a harsh sterile life in care,and young couples are not really lining up to adopt either are they, but there are lots of phenomenal warm caring people working in the care system as well? You are right also that people can"t just make the general sweeping statement that all children adopted by gay and lesbian couples are accessories but a married couple who wanted kids but maybe couldn"t have them still seems like the strongest foundation to place a childhood on from the point of view of the adoptive parents being more fully invested in the whole process? And I believe that if possible everyone should have knowledge of or contact with their biological parents from very early in the process, although some adoptive parents might not be comfortable with this.

No, thanks, but a bit of respect and less sarcasm would be good. Did you get out of bed on the wrong side this morning? Also, less of the offensive ‘saviour’. What would you rather: children who have to be removed from their families of origin, as the last resort, stay in care? Just to satisfy your ideology? I don’t think that contemporary adoption is fit for purpose but it is the least worst solution for society’s most vulnerable children. If you’re all about the children, then please demonstrate it.

There is absolutely no reference to adoptive families in the ‘study’ you have posted. This is mainly about biological mothers who move stepfathers into the homes of their children.

Girls living in non-traditional families are found to have been sexually abused by their "stepfathers", either the married, cohabiting, or casual partner of a divorced or single mother, at many times the rate that girls are sexually abused by their biological fathers in traditional families.

• most of this sexual abuse seems to be from stepfathers. Relevant to non related men but not to lesbians very much.

What you like me to demonstrate?

Why should I respect someone because they are an adoptive parent? You're the one who was first disrespect to my post with:
'Great as a single adoptor of twenty years, can I please pause my adoptions? I'd love to hand over my highly complex and disabled family to much superior two parent families....' Don't be disingenuous. Your response to me was absolutely savourist.

Why is it always people like you that respond with do you want kids to stay in care? Lazy. Feeling threatened? Be better.

Step fathers are unrelated men in the same way adoptive fathers are, and obviously the risk increases if there are two men in the house. Not because they are gay, but because they are men. Men are the problem. Same with dad's who use surrogates.

Yes I'm aware that women can and do abuse children, but overwhelmingly it's men and unrelated men even more so.

There may be good reasons why adopters might be uncomfortable with direct contact with birth parents. They’re daily caring for kids impacted by those parents treatment of their child - sometimes those impacts are immense. Direct contact can be hugely destabilising for those children, compounding the impact of the original harm. It needs careful support both for the parents and the children (and the birth parents), children can be dysregulated for weeks in the lead up and after contact, it’s hard to see how that can be helpful.

I have every empathy for my kids birth mum, I also know that direct contact would be absolutely disastrous for my kids. They’re scared of her, spent their early years with me terrified they’d be sent back to her such was their life with her. If I thought for a second they’d manage, I’d support direct contact but I’m not prepared to put them through that distress. And I’ll defend that decision to them should the time come.

It’s all fine having this romantic notion that kids can maintain a relationship with their birth parents, and that their birth parents can tolerate their own distress and behave in the best interests of the child. Sometimes they do, sometimes older children can manage that better and the birth parents are in a better place too but all too often children’s stability is undermined for an ideal.

And if these children aren't adopted by men they are going to be in foster care with men where the outcomes are even worse...

I’m not sure, I think the best reason to adopt a child is because you want to adopt a child, not because you can’t have one of your own. Children in care deserve better than to be thought of as consolation prizes.

Absolutely agree.

What the fk sort of comment is that?! An uneducated one, at the very least. Piggish!

Regular checkin with the adopted child?
Great.
And with the parents too please.
And be proactive in offering post adoption support.
And give all adopted kids EHCPs as standard.
And don't decide on whether to renew PAS funding after the last possible moment which means kids have to take an enforced break in their therapy because funding hasn't been authorised.

This was clearly a terrible tragedy and hopefully some lessons will be learned. But there are adoptive families and kids out there crying out for support who get overlooked.

Wonder why Preston was given too these
two men. Bet we never get to find out if there were any other adopters available at that time
What made these two men think they would be good at bringing up a child. Did they choose a boy, how does it work? No idea. Would the same thing have happened if they had adopted a girl?
It makes no sense they didn't have to adopt they created a situation where they have ended up apart, lost their jobs, in prison and hated by all.
They could have given Preston back and said it wasn't working. They orchestrated their own downfall. Perhaps two men together aren't meant to have kids.

Impolite and aggressive. You have demonstrated enough already. Just out of interest, what do you do to not be lazy or to ‘do better’? Apart from tapping your fingers on a device. You are posting silly ‘studies’ to back up your views. I’d happily engage in an intelligent debate with you.

Thre rights of the child matter way more than the desires of the potential parent (s). I think that sometimes gets lost. I don't have an issue with two men, but someone in social services has made a truly awful error.

What does “behaving maternally “ even mean? Past breastfeeding, what specifically is it that I do for DC that my DH can’t because he’s missing an X chromosome ? He’s a parent, no better or worse than me, except I can knit, and he doesn’t need to stand on a chair to reach the shelf with the good wine glasses.

But the vast majority of people have a baby because they want a baby... it's normal!! If you didn't want to have a child then you wouldn't adopt, would you.

I agree, but I mean very limited contact in the early stages and maybe only after a certain age, more just a we know who each other is sort of thing, not that we are going to reconcile as a family.

Maybe, but this guy was a teacher, the blame is going to be spread.

"Perhaps two men..." Why was that last sentence even needed?