to think my husband's shouting has gone too far?

[justsayyes1]

I'm sitting here in shock and feeling really upset tonight and would appreciate some outside perspective.
Things have been difficult between my husband and me for a long time. We have a child with complex needs and I have ended up carrying the vast majority of the responsibility for managing appointments, school issues, day-to-day care and the emotional fallout, alongside working. For years we didn’t see eye to eye with ASN and the associated adjustments we’ve made (essentially I’ve driven them and he has i think felt pushed aside, though I’d say he’s just not engaged in it all). He also has a history of losing his temper and really shouting about 2-3 times a year with seemingly no trigger, although recently that seemed to have improved. In fact, earlier today I found myself thinking that maybe, somehow, we might actually be okay in the end.
Then tonight happened.
Our son's duvet cover was wet, so I put it in the wash. As my husband sleeps in the spare room (I co-sleep with our daughter), I took his duvet and put it on our son's bed, leaving my husband with a sleeping bag and a smaller duvet for one night until the other one dries. It was a fast practical decision made after a busy day.
Later, while I was trying to settle our daughter to sleep (which was already difficult), my husband stormed into the room shouting about how dare I take his duvet. I explained why I'd done it, but he just carried on shouting.
At that point our son came in. He was home on time and asked if his friend could come in for a while. My husband immediately started shouting at him, swearing and telling him to get rid of his friend. My son questioned why, saying he wasn't due in bed yet and just wanted to hang out. My husband got right up in his face to the point where I genuinely worried it was going to become physical.
My son then said, "What about Mum? Doesn't she get a say?" and my husband shouted, "No, she doesn't."
His friend left, clearly uncomfortable. My son is now crying in his room and won't speak to me. My daughter is frightened and crying too.
The truth is that I'm exhausted. Between caring for our daughter, working, and trying to keep everything afloat, I feel like I'm on my last legs most of the time. People often say "just leave", but the practical and emotional reality of separation feels almost impossible when I'm already barely coping.
I also think I've made a lot of excuses for him over the years. Because so much of my focus has been on the children and their needs, our relationship has often come a distant second. I've told myself he's stressed, that things could be worse, that we're both under pressure. Lately I genuinely felt we had got to a better place, which is why tonight has come as such a shock.
Am I overreacting, or is this as bad as it feels tonight? I feel heartbroken for both children and honestly don't know what to think anymor

For all the posters still banging on about this man's needs and frustrations. Real men step up for their families. My dh gave up his sleeping bag when camping because dd had vomited on hers. He slept on the floor next to her cot for well over a year to help her get to sleep when she was scared of the dark. He takes time off work to take both kids to medical appointments and deals with the admin. He does all this without needing to be told and has never shouted at any of us. And he regularly thanks me for ny contributions and buys me flowers....I too do many chores and buy him treats and don't shout at home before you all worry about his wellbeing.

I am horrified by some of these responses. I can only hope that these people have never lived with an irrationally angry man and have no idea what it feels like.

OP I have lived with a man like this, both as a child and as an adult. I have to tell you living with a father like this didn’t stop me standing up to him at the time (I also had a strong sense of justice and fairness) but that didn’t mean it didn’t affect me. I have had a very low level of self esteem for years and the fact that I married someone like that too showed that it destroyed my barometer of what is acceptable in relationships.

Not only that but I have a very strong startle response and I almost scream when someone e.g. taps me on the shoulder. I also developed an internal voice that was full of self criticism and internalised contempt. From the outside you would have thought I was a confident, even cocky child but it didn’t match up with the way I valued myself. I also developed a disdain for authority which hasn’t helped me in my life either. It’s taken years and years of therapy to put all of this right.

Now I don’t know if your son and daughter will be affected the way I have been, but I do know that it has an impact on you. My father wasn’t angry every single day either. It’s just that when he was it was terrifying because it was so out of control. One time he put the volume of the music system on at full blast and pushed over all the items of furniture in the living room. Another time he started a fist fight with my then 18 year boyfriend which spilled out into the garden. Once or twice he chased me up the stairs in such a rage I thought he was going to beat me up. When you’re a child (and even an adult) it’s scary because you don’t know how bad he’s going to get so you’re constantly on eggshells. My husband sometimes got right up in my face and a few times jostled me around. The fact he didn’t beat me up didn’t really stop him training me to not advocate for myself and try to smooth things over all the time.

There is no excuse for this. Just none. He might feel left out and uncared for. He might feel that you ignore his needs. He might feel that he is the last priority in the household but none of this is relevant. He’s an adult not a toddler. He should use his words and discuss it in a calm way. And if he can’t do that then his annoyance or sadness should be expressed in a way that’s not out of control. The fact he doesn’t is really bad for your mental health and for those of your children in a long term way.

I bet you feel exhausted sometimes. When do you get a break? When do you get to express your feelings openly and freely? I get all the fear of being on your own. I get all the anxiety about destroying your kids financial security. But the fact that he is now getting in your son’s face even when he has a friend round worries me.

I hope you have some support from family or friends. I would at least consider seeing a therapist who specialises in people in dysfunctional relationships.

Also, no-one was in bed or asleep. Therefore it didn’t matter where duvets and sleeping bags were in the house. It could all be changed.
If the ‘D’H wanted his duvet back he could have moved it back. Without shouting or screaming. Or all talked together about who was having what at bedtime and how as a family they would solve the bedding problem.
thinking of my house I have a couple of spares, plus blankets on the sofa. It didn’t need to be such a big deal.
and he made it into a big deal.

He sounds lovely!

I don’t see the point of him. He appears to be a net negative on the situation. Get rid. Your poor DS. Imagine walking in with a mate and getting bollocked for something so innocuous. Poor lad! And how embarrassing. Maybe the mate will tell his parents and they’ll be able to help you get the help you so desperately need to get away.

Their child should not have asked his dad a question which then caused him to become more upset. He should know better. He needs to be careful and manage dad's emotions.

That instantly took me back to my childhood. "Why did you upset your mother?"

It's great being blamed for the actions of your abusive parent. And explains why, 60 years later, I'm still avoiding conflict and an a chronic people-pleaser.

Absolutely right @OCDmama!!

All these posters falling over themselves to tell @justsayyes1 she shouldn’t have swooped the duvet!!

He was screaming at her and her child, to the point she was fearful it would become physical. This is abusive. All the apologists on this thread should really have a good think about why they are so quick to point the finger at the op.

I know you said you can’t leave op but I really think you need to explore the options in which you could so so. Your children should not have to live around this behaviour and nor should you.

You did nothing wrong re the duvet. You are both so overwhelmed with everything. It seems he flipped in the heat of the moment.
I can understand why you feel upset.
Please find an opportunity to talk about this.

I can't believe that PP are homing in on the duvet. The fact that your husband is being abusive in this way is the main issue. I could have written your post 20yrs ago OP and believe me, the upset of splitting with this abuser will be far better for both your own mental health and that of your children in the long term. Living with an explosive shouter is horrific. Yes, your family circumstances with your DD are very difficult, however from experience, the couples who I have watched survive or thrive in my lifetime have one or two things in common - respect within their communication and an ability to resolve conflict without shouting and screaming. Personally I found life way more peaceful and enjoyable once I was alone after my exH left me with two babies. I then re married (another shouter) and we split because of that very thing. I will not tolerate it and am currently living my best life ever, single with my Ddogs, in my 50's. My kids have thrived and can't remember their dad being abusive as they were so young, for which I am eternally grateful. Co parenting with an abuser was hard, but he did love children and I did what I could to enable contact. Wishing you all the best.

Because she co sleeps with their disabled DD? and why should she have the worse bedding by default? Especially as it's HIS OWN camping bedding he just used himself?!?

I can’t believe people are justifying his behaviour. Genuinely chilled at the people queuing up to suggest that the OP should pander to this nonsense.

Abso nothing would justify this violent outburst. Particularly something as trivial as the OP allocating him a sleeping bag instead of a duvet FGS. He needs to grow up.

So where do you draw the line? Where is okay to lose control? Can you only scream at your wife and children? Or is it okay to scream at your boss? Or the bus driver? Or the woman that’s always rude to you at the supermarket? Or your mates that always prioritise their needs and are CFs? I bet I know the answer to this.

You have much higher expectations for men in the wider world but it’s fine to scream at your children or your wife because they feel a bit stressed or left out. Well it’s not okay.

If you’re unhappy as an adult you have to use your words. You have to change things to take your needs into account. You have to speak to your children and show them how to disagree respectfully. What you can’t do is lose your rag to this degree with no consequences because you’re an adult and this is part of the downside that you have to have some kind of self control, better coping mechanisms and a more sophisticated negotiating strategy than a two year old.

When you said the duvet was wet I assume stop meant a young child not one that go out independently.
In that case why were you sorting a wet duvet why could he not do it?

from this angle your dh is literally the last person on your mind. You don’t share a bed and you has no thought about his sleeping arrangements tonight by removing his duvet. Yes he is wrong to shout but he sounds very frustrated.

Talk to him about his shouting , your home life is clearly difficult with small children and one with additional needs and people get stressed but there’s no reason to shout in people faces

All these suggestions on how you could have prevented him screaming or what you could do in future to reduce his screaming.

There is not a thing in the world I could do to make DH scream at me. Ever. He could walk in on me shagging his brother, he wouldn't shout or call me names. Why are we normalising this behaviour? Aggression is not ok, it doesn't matter what excuse you think you have for it. It's unacceptable to scream in your child's face.

It was a perfectly logical solution, we always make sure our kids have what they need to be comfortable and we make do. We would give DS our quilt if his wasn't useable. Alot of men struggle with this idea of their children being more important than them because they're children and their wives being more important to the children because they do everything.

I’m sorry this happened to you OP it sounds like a complete overreaction to me. Your poor DS and DD having to be on the receiving end of that as well.

My very close friend has a very similar situation, a child with complex needs and a husband whose default reaction is to be verbally abusive to her and their children as he gets ‘stressed’.

She also carries all the load, mental and physical while he does the bare minimum yet pretends he’s dad of the year on social media. It’s really quite heartbreaking to see. I understand your DH is stressed but he really needs to do some work on himself or see a therapist to offload as his behaviour sounds awful

Why are so many posters so desperate to defend this useless, angry, selfish man? Ooh husbands need to feel loved and valued....diddums, so so wives, and mothers. What is he actually doing that is any use within the family? Perhaps if he did more (and want such a useless selfish manbaby), OP would be able to connect better with him and be more of a team. But no... apparently this also is OP's responsibility.... go on date nights and prioritise his needs. WTAF.

Ugh, disgusting behaviour.

In our house, we would have both given the kids the better duvet.

I cannot believe so many are excusing this aggressive man’s behaviour.

The OP does everything for the kids and probably never put herself first. But she also has to put her husband first? Get a grip.

I wonder how much he ever does for her? Does he sweep in and help her when she is struggling? I can guess the answer.

Why are so many misogynists on here today??

So your DH, who already feels pushed aside and who is banished to the spare room, also loses his duvet. It is not OK for him to shout and scream and upset the household, but equally, it is not OK either for him always to be put last, which I am sure is what it feels like to him. Your poor DS got caught up in the fall-out, and the atmosphere must have been dreadful for all of you. Today, OP, I would be buying a spare duvet, but I would also be having a real talk to DH about his behaviour, which is utterly unacceptable. He’s the adult, the father - parents normally give up things for their children without demur. Shouting is frightening for those on the receiving end - I grew up in a shouting household, and have been guilty of it myself, and it’s really not OK. Ask your DH what he hoped to achieve by his shouting. If he says he’s sorry he lost it but that he seems to be at the very bottom of the heap in his own house, you need to listen to him and think about how you can make things better for him. It goes without saying, though, that he needs to think about how he can modify his behaviour so that things are better for everybody, and have a different strategy for next time he’s irritated, which we all are sometimes.

It sounds like an extreme overreaction to something he could have calmly asked you about. You sound exhausted and very much in the trenches. It also sounds like he’s not pulling his weight. You both probably feel stuck and frustrated and unhappy. I’m sorry you were yelled at for doing what made sense in the moment.

The husband has clearly been on a recent camping trip alone. I am sure this is a man who has no problem making sure his own needs are met.

So your DH, who already feels pushed aside and who is banished to the spare room, also loses his duvet.

Poor poor little man. My heart bleeds for this immature waste of space. He lost his duvet for one night??? How will he cope. 🙄

This. And a teenage boy will suddenly decide to stand up and challenge his dad especially if he is mad on behalf of his mum, or embarrassed in front of a friend.

It sounds like the son has become used to adulting and defending his mother, because he has learnt that his father is emotionally abusive.

The scene is not a one off.

One child has learnt to cry and hide. Tbe other is learning to fight.

OP needs out for the children's sake.

Normal rules of respect your dad do not apply. He has lost his children's respect over time.

OP, you didn’t do anything wrong. You are caring for your children - your husband should be helping you not verbally abusing you all. So many people pandering to aggressive men. It was a duvet. OP, wasn’t flouncing around having the time of her life. She was caring for her son and daughter. There is no place for an angry man in any household.

Parenting means love and service.
Not this top or bottom of the heap alpha talk. Men are not in competition with their own family!

Even in wolf packs, male wolves serve their mates and cubs.