AIBU to feel anxious after requesting a Clare's Law disclosure?

[Yournextdoorfriend]

Hi all,
I met someone online on a dating app a few months ago. In a different town we message/talk regularly. More like friends right now but we get on. Will see how things go if anywhere. More my call if anything. He mentioned he had a voluntary restraining order at the start - I asked why his marriage ended, what his reasons were, what his partners reasons would be. He has the 2 of the 3 children who are boys the daughter lives with the mum. According to him he asked for a non molestaiom order for himself to counteract the allegations his ex wife was making and to stop any more being made. Yes I know tale as old as time in reflection. I didn't really think to question it, have had no reason to question anything about his character since - have met several times. The only reason I even considered making a CLR was curiosity to see how it worked. I have since had a phone call asking to meet me to discuss.
im anxious even though i knew it would be this if he was telling the truth. I dnt know how to feel.

There is something in court, I can't remember the name, but it is basically just you swearing to the judge that you will not go near the other person. If you breach this, it makes it easier for the other person to get an actual non-molestation against you. It counts as evidence that you are being a problem.

Omg😱

YABU for continuing contact with him once he said he had an order against him & followed the ‘psycho ex’ script

&WTF for suggesting that you ‘ask to speak to his ex.

That is what I was told when applying, that I needed to show the risk of harm to me outweighed his right to privacy

I am always really surprised when women on here use them as a screening process. I was told it’s very labour intensive and they don’t do it if there are no concerns for yourself. You also are not allowed to tell ANYONE

Honestly, you don't sounded grounded enough in yourself to be embarking on a relationship, let alone one with someone with a N-M Order, 3 children and a recent ex.

You've let him know that you are vulnerable by not running for the hills as soon as he told you about the NM-whatever he means by it, and given him plenty of time to concoct a story by telling him about the CL request.

You are not allowed to tell anyone
imagine the danger you could put her in if he found out

it’s a really serious process, not Only because of the privacy breach, but because you couLd put yourself and other victims in an incredibly dangerous position. Do you think abusive men wouldn’t mind?? They would go ballistic, he may not even know about exes talking to the police, it shows all complaints, not just convictions

You know the process and rules are on the police website surely?

Firstly, he doesn't get to 'let' you speak to anyone.

Secondly, why on earth do you think this woman is going to want to be dragged into her ex's dating scene?

Leave the woman alone and work it out for yourself.

I agree with this. What's the point in carrying on?

Baffled by this thread.

Look at his childcare situation...
He has the 2 of the 3 children who are boys the daughter lives with the mum.
So far so (ab)normal.

His "voluntary" restraining order....

He'd have been dumped long before a clares law.

And now it comes back you want to have a nice big chat??? And do more "information gathering" and consensus build.....

It defies belief....

What do you need?

film footage showing him abusing his ex?
the extended version so you can see she didnt "provoke" him.amd "make him".

Did you ever stop to consider the fact that by insisting on talking to his ex (via him) for a "3rd opinion" you are potentially putting HER in danger through your willful disbelief of your own reality????

.

The 3rd story? Are you ok?!!!
hes clearly a walking red flag. You can tell cos he can’t see one of his children. You realky didnt need CL for this. You throw ppl like this back in the pond. The fact that you’re not even considering this is baffling. Stop waisting resources by making CL applications with no intention of following through.

Saaame !
surely you would run and never look back

I agree with this. No matter what the Police tell you, you need to end the relationship and have some time away from dating whilst you figure out what it is that you want and why you don’t back away from Men with serious red flags.

Exactly. Ask yourself why someone would voluntarily tell you they have a non-molestation order against them, OP. They’re screening you. When you don’t immediately say ‘We’re done here’, they know they’ve found someone gullible.

If you cant work out why this relationship is a bad idea yourself in the first place STOP DATING

A voluntary restraining order does not exist.
A restraining order is put in place when there is a high risk of harm.
Leopards don’t change their spots OP…they just move on to the their next victim.
You should run for the hills regardless of what the police say in response to your Clare’s law application.

He is not a safe man. He has a restraining order, a non-mol.

Claire's law will tell you what you already know. No excuses matter. You already have all the facts you need.

He's dangerous. And you can absolutely do better.

Men don't stand a chance these days, it's completely ridiculous!

Care to elaborate??

Stand a chance at what? Getting away with pretending to be decent men? Are you sad that women are better able to protect themselves from abusive men?

How does it protect women? it advises if there is a record only

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5528471-aibu-to-feel-scared-ahead-of-a-clares-law-disclosure-call?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share similar thread

I thought you had to be in a romantic relationship with or an ex of someone to submit a CLR? You're not in a relationship and never were. I'm surprised you were allowed to do one to "see how it works" and also that you want to contact his previous victim if it comes to fruition.

(I know you can submit on behalf of friends too)

Do you genuinely need me to answer that question?