AIBU to feel anxious after requesting a Clare's Law disclosure?

[Yournextdoorfriend]

Hi all,
I met someone online on a dating app a few months ago. In a different town we message/talk regularly. More like friends right now but we get on. Will see how things go if anywhere. More my call if anything. He mentioned he had a voluntary restraining order at the start - I asked why his marriage ended, what his reasons were, what his partners reasons would be. He has the 2 of the 3 children who are boys the daughter lives with the mum. According to him he asked for a non molestaiom order for himself to counteract the allegations his ex wife was making and to stop any more being made. Yes I know tale as old as time in reflection. I didn't really think to question it, have had no reason to question anything about his character since - have met several times. The only reason I even considered making a CLR was curiosity to see how it worked. I have since had a phone call asking to meet me to discuss.
im anxious even though i knew it would be this if he was telling the truth. I dnt know how to feel.

To the best of my knowledge there is no such thing as a voluntary restraining order in the UK. However people can make voluntary undertakings in the family court.

I don’t think a voluntary restraining order is a thing.

I made an application and they actually came out to my house. There was nothing to disclose. A phone call doesn't mean anything.

Just to add, if you’re at a point where you have to make an application the relationship is doomed.

I’m very suprised you were allowed to make the application because you just wanted to see how it works. You generally have to provide reasons to the police and it’s designed to ask about romantic partners, not people you are just friends with

You have to provide pretty conclusive evidence to get a Non-Molestation Order. As far as I’m aware, applying for you for yourself is not a thing.

As I didn't apply when he told me his version- I applied 3 months after I met him just to see if I wanted to take it further what the results would be. I don't live with him and we live in a different town. The CL didn't ask for much information - I didn't even have his correct DOB I guessed it based on what he told me. I didn't apply because of any red flags more to ensure what he said was consistent as I have a rubbish record of ignoring red flags historically. However I don't have the gut feeling to apply more so because he had told me there was police involvement. I feel like I'm looking for reasons. I did initially ask him if I did the CL what would come back and he said similar to what he told me previously.

Of course he’ll try and double down.

The big question is though, what will you do if the Police tell you he was violent? Are you going to still believe him?

I think I will ask him to let me speak to his ex.

I’d speak to the police first and go from there

Yes if the police share anything that is of concern I would want to hear the 3rd version of the story

I’m not sure what you’re trying to achieve here. Clare’s Law is confidential. The very last thing you should do is to talk to him about your suspicions.

i don't know? Which is why I posted I guess.

It can’t be too bad if he’s allowed to look after his 2 children ?
Good luck

If the police share anything that is of concern you dump him and move on. Don’t get involved and try to figure out the truth between them. Plenty of men with zero accusations or police involvement tied to their name. Throw this one back.

I don’t think you should ask the ex - that’s just causing drama for the sake of nosiness. The police version will be less negative/more objective than the ex version, so if you don’t like the police version, you don’t need more information.

When you say that you’ve missed Red Flags previously, have you ever done the Freedom Program?

Why?? Do you think she's going to say she deserved it?

Put yourself in her shoes- if she's had to get a restraining order to reduce his impact on her life then the last thing she wants is the new girlfriend bringing her into his life further and having to drag it all up.

Leave that poor woman out of it.

If only that were true. One Woman I know was the victim of DV and was ordered to facilitate contact in her own home.

This. Please do the programme. It should go like this..
”….. restraining ord” NEXT.

I think I would do a CL check on anyone I would meet in future.

I genuinely don’t understand why people do Claire’s law requests. Not because these things shouldn’t be public knowledge, but surely it’s simple, if someone is waving red flags sufficient enough to have their violent past looked into, then the relationship should be over. The end.

And what do you do if the request comes back with nothing? Carry on until you’re the next victim?

Because we all know that most victims of DV don’t ever make police reports, so it’s a tiny minority who come up on a search. And the rest?

On one level I understand why it exists, but on the other it surely has the capacity to lull women into a false sense of security.

Why on earth would you need to speak to his ex?

Sounds like you shouldn't have bothered with the check. You aren't going to change anything even if it pulls anything up.

Me neither. There was a poster a few months back with a remarkably similar story that was behaving in exactly the same way and saying the same things.

You sound incredible naive. Why do you need to hear it again. He had a Non-Molestation Order against him.

Theyre not voluntary. He had one because a Judge looked at the evidence and decided that he posed a significant risk of harm to his Ex.

He has already told you that when he said he had a Non-Mol.

Abusers will often tell you part of the truth but twist things around so that they appear to be the victim.

If you don’t believe me about Non-Mols have a read of How to get a Non-Mol.

It sounds like the Police are coming to confirm that he is dangerous.

Please don’t drag his ex into this mess. It sounds as though she’s been through enough already and deserves to have him in her past.

If the police say anything of concern you need to run for the hills
nothing to be gained making contact with the ex really

I’m really quite alarmed and baffled that anyone would continue to date someone who disclosed they had a restraining order, “voluntary” or otherwise