AIBU to question adoption checks after this safeguarding failure?

[User05677229]

I can’t stop thinking about little Preston Davey. That poor baby boy, taken into care as a newborn, seemed happy and healthy in foster care, only to be adopted by a gay male couple and then subjected to months of the most horrific sexual and physical abuse before being murdered. How did this happen? How did red flags get missed?

I’m a mum of two, and like many of you, I’ve always supported loving homes for children who need them. But cases like this shake me to the core. I’m not saying no gay men should ever adopt - that’s not realistic or fair. But we have to be honest: the data and repeated safeguarding failures suggest that male same-sex couples (particularly for very young children) need extra rigorous scrutiny, not less.

Social workers and adoption panels seem terrified of being called homophobic. So they bend over backwards to approve placements that might raise eyebrows in heterosexual couples. Fast-tracked approvals, ignoring instincts about motivation, lack of a female parent for a tiny baby - all while birth mothers are scrutinised to the nth degree. This isn’t kindness to adults; it’s gambling with children’s safety.

Baby Preston had injuries consistent with sexual abuse, multiple hospital visits, concerns raised… and still nothing stopped it. Eight missed opportunities, apparently. That’s not just individual evil - that’s a system that’s lost its nerve.

Can we please have an honest conversation?

Better psychological and background checks specifically for single men and male couples adopting infants.

Mandatory longer observation periods.

No more rushing through to meet diversity targets.

Social workers must be protected from accusations of bias when they flag legitimate concerns about any applicant, including gay men.

Children deserve the best possible chance, not to be experiments in adult validation. Every child in the care system has already been let down once. We owe them robust, evidence-based safeguarding - not ideology.

RIP little Preston. This should never have happened.

What do others think? Am I being unfair?

My personal opinion based on the people I know who are social workers is that while they go into that type of work for the right reasons they are perhaps not the right people to be social workers, the people who would be best wouldn’t take on that work because of what’s involved, if that makes sense.

Body mapping for all children for all injuries would be a massive undertaking. Im not sure people would want their child to be body mapped and stripped if they went to a+e after a minor injury.

'Barely discussed'?

Every second meeting I have is talking about a child where we need a fostering or adoptive match that isnt particularly mummying or nurturing because the child cant and is unlikely to ever attach or connect with that, its frightening for them and triggering. So superficial and light and not a massive 'family vibe' is often what is looked for in matching (more so fostering)

That’s great then if the message is finally sinking in for professionals; but why more for fostering and not adoption? The children have all experienced the same issues. Also, why can’t we put a name on it and accept the wealth of research from the North Americas?

Simply because the vast majority of children who are placed for adoption are more likely to be able to be adopted (emotionally/psychologically). Those who we think are less likely to attach are more likely to have a plan of long term fostering, rather than adoption.

Then there is the usual age for adoptions, most adoptions are of very very young children, babies, toddlers, sometimes up to around 4 or 5, older in rare cases

So the very very young children we havent evidence (or they've been removed early enough from birth parents) of attachment trauma or attachment difficulties.

With fostering, children bounce around, I might be having a meeting about an 8 year old whose placement has broken down and he needs superficial and light, or a 14 year old who has just come into care and he needs superficial and light, he's not looking for a 'forever family'.

And I wouldnt say 'finally sinking in' either, Ive been doing this for nearly 30 years. This isnt a new concept.

That’s interesting, because all the meetings I’ve had with child protection social workers recently (yes, I was put through child protection proceedings after a s20 request following my arrest due to a false allegation of assault) are really fixated on ‘attachment 101’ and why AD1 came to me as a baby but was not attached after 17 years, as if it was my fault. Just to point out, babies are as capable/incapable of ‘attachment’ as older children. It’s a myth that adoption is the magic wand that will erase the in utero and early life experiences. Plus, it would be great if professionals were more learned in reactive attachment disorder and could speak honestly to prospective adopters about this.

Im well aware of attachment in babies, older children and adults, its my job

Im explaining why its more likely that discussions centre around that sort of matching more often for children in foster care, because we have years of evidence of their behavioural needs and reactions.

When making plans for an adoption for a 6 month old, whose behaviour within the foster placement is not raising any attachment or behavioural factors, you wouldnt plan for anything other than what the child has displayed. Their documentation always sets out that they will have unknown, unpredictable needs and sets out what harm was done pre and post birth (if the child stayed with parents for some time as many do)

I have a year old at the moment, we know her attachment is extremely insecure, this i s nothing to do with the foster carers care which has been exemplary, its about her pre and post birth experiences with mum so this forms part of the matching of course, any adopter will need to understand rejection and difficulty attaching and maybe never attaching.

As a recent foster carer of older children, (11+) Ive experienced precious little 'matching'. Of the 3 young people I've cared for, for 2 of them it was a matter of where is this child going to sleep tonight- I had a bed, they arrived and never left until there was an almighty crisis.
For the other one, a crucial piece of information was revealed at the disruption meeting which made it clear that child should never have been placed with me.
I am now involved in a dispute with my agency which seems intent on blaming me for the breakdown of these placements, without looking at the failures of the placements system.
I was not an emergency or respite carer, but I was frequently asked to take young people on a long term basis, at two hours notice.
That would have meant a young person coming home from school, being told to pack their bags, taken to someone they had never met, and be expected to go to school the next day.

Hardly the basis for a good relationship between FC and young person.

No, sometimes matching simply isnt possible. There arent enough foster carers and at times we literally do just need a bed for the night.

I think that’s really positive that you will be honest and upfront with prospective adopters about the fact that the baby on your caseload may never attach - and how this will impact on the rest of the child’s life, plus that of their adoptive family.

It wont be the first time

The only thing that springs to mind while talking about this here is that the adoption teams are often quite different in outlook to the case holding social work teams. There is often some tension between us in terms of what we're looking for or how the child is to be presented, transition times, transition plans, which significant people should have visits or contact after placement and then adoption. Thats just my experience, it may be different in other areas.

@likelysuspect

I completely understand the pressures and shortage of FCs. I don't pretend to have the answers - but it would help if FCs were not blamed for placement breakdowns.
It seems to be accepted that FCs will be assaulted and have their.homes trashed and when you say enough- its your fault.
Im afraid my agency has lost another FC because of this, and from what I see its one of the main reasons why FCs are leaving.

Im adopted ( adopted at 6 weeks old many years ago ) my parents were absolutely amazing to adopt

my eldest son is gay and him and his partner have talked about adopting

I’ve told my son not to bother as I know I’m and he isn’t that fussed ( he’s said that ) but would adopt for his partner ( totally the wrong reasons) - and i would have no issues in telling the social workers my sons feelings if they decided to adopt - it’s a living breathing human being and if your not fully into it then you shouldn’t do it .

They are both hard working young men stable home owners, good jobs and very stable upbringing with lots of family around on both sides

but honestly in my opinion they can just about keep their tropical fish alive 😂 so no chance with a baby

Thank you. I think this is a really important discussion to have here, especially when we adopters are feeling besieged. I’m surprised by your comments as I would be inclined to think that the adoption SWs would be much more switched on re: attachment ‘stuff’. My family was comprehensively failed by our local children’s services but my AD1 now has a brilliant adult social worker who spent a decade in fostering social work. Our service from our RAA has been extremely patchy; we had a great worker for the past year but she spent five years off sick and we had no replacement. I’m no expert, apart from being an adoptive parent for 18 years, but I think that the biggest issue causing issues within child protection and children’s services is the siloing. It would be great if front line SWs had more understanding of adoption and adoption-related issues, which, in my extensive experience, they don’t, and it would be great if adoption workers had more child protection experience. As a family, our latest PASW is great, we don’t acknowledge the fact that I have spoken to her on multiple occasions when she was EDT in our MAST team.

To be honest, I feel like this as an adopter.

@ThePieceHall

Its all more than a bit of a mess really.

Agreed. But it’s so depressing when we are all trying our best and the armchair experts think they know best. But aren’t prepared to step up to be accountable as either a foster carer or an adopter. There’s actually a petition on change.org with about 25K signatures calling for us to be subject to random checks, checks from psychologists/ psychiatrists etc. To be fair, I would really welcome a psychologist/psychiatrist coming to my home, as requested in the petition, because I have spent bloody years hammering on closed doors for my two children.