AIBU to let my daughter choose awards evening guests over her father?

[Trustmeits]

I'll try to be brief - really after opinions.

DD is 12, at the end of year 7 and has been invited to a school awards evening.

She doesn't see her Dad, she refuses to and court agreed with her and court order states she lives with me and sees him a few times a year and has phone contact (which she refuses).

School have said 2 guests limit at the event and she wants me and her sister (11) to go. Her dad has messaged me to say he will be there but she has said she won't attend if he is going.

AIBU to allow her to choose who should go or should I tell her he's her dad and should attend.

For context I have tried so hard to rebuild their relationship but I no longer feel responsibility for his actions that led him to this place with his daughter.

He has the communications from the school

YANBU. You are her main caregiver, you decide.

You would be being unreasonable to go against her wishes. Also tell the school to stop sharing communications with him. That must feel like an intrusion for her if she doesn’t want anything to do with him.

Yes I can’t understand why, with the court order and your DD wishes, that he even gets the comms?

I would let the school know she doesn't want him there so they have a heads up. Also I'd suggest to them to make it a ticketed event if it isn't already so it prevents him entering as he wouldn't have the tickets.

God situations like this make me really glad I'm not a school admin being pulled into the middle to sort out things between people that can't just sort themselves out and be adults for their children.

If it’s only 2 people, surely he won’t have a ticket. He can come stand outside all he wants.

It’s a ticketed event Fred, and you don’t have a ticket.

There is a court order in place. Not just an 'I don't like him'. Of course it should be you and your sister.

Your DD is not at the kind of awards ceremony and is too young to say in public when accepting an award that she did not want her dad there.

If there is a court order in place what makes him think it would be OK to attend? Is the school aware of the court order? How can he have PR if he's not allowed to see her?

Please do speak to the school, to warn them and allow them to put something in place to keep everything calm.

This and I would write to him to say she doesn’t want him there and in the interests of forging a potential future relationship that turning up and stressing her / causing a scene or upsetting her is not the way to go. You could offer to send some pictures.

My son is 12 and similar court order but I insist on him phoning his father at the time court ordered.
As much as my ex was vile to me I’ve tried hard to ensure the children we not part of it and I insisted on him doing things like Father’s Day etc

The court order wasn't about him not being allowed to see her, it was about them taking her feelings and wishes into consideration. He wants to see her.

It's not a private school no.

The school don't have visibility of the court order, should they have?

This is all about her choice and that's why she doesn't see him

She has consistently made it clear that she doesn’t want to see her dad and she doesn’t want him at the evening so you need to respect her wishes. This is a very special evening for her and it shouldn’t be ruined by him!! He’s trying to make it all about him!!
I’m coming at this as a wife of someone who has a troubled relationship with his children because they blame him for their parents divorce and he would never dream of spoiling a special evening like that though he does his best to try and maintain contact.

Yes, the school should be given a copy of the court order.
If your daughter does not want him having any contact/ knowledge of her school life she can have home removed from her school information, as she is now older enough to decide. Contact the school and talk with them.

Yes they should definitely have a copy or at least you should explain the contents of it. The school will want to work with your daughter. He doesn't need to receive communication about her if she doesn't want that information shared with him.

I have tried so hard to rebuild their relationship but I no longer feel responsibility for his actions

What? Why?! You sound like you're apologising for not having turned your crappy ex into father of the decade. Great that you're finally seen the light, but you are NOT responsible for or towards him. You do not owe him your loyalty, and neither does your daughter. What a crazy idea.

DD gets to choose her supporters. DD2 would presumably be upset if she were left out, particularly in favour of Mr Never-There. Have a nice evening.

Oh, and do tell the school, of course! He isn't a 'parent'.

Of course she gets to choose.
There really shouldn't be any confusion.
Tell the school her wishes via safeguarding.
Tell him her wishes.

She absolutely has the right not to see him and to invite whoever she choses to use her tickets. However if he has Parental Rights my understanding is that he still has rights to communications from the school.

She said she won’t go if he does, so obviously he can’t attend. The evening isn’t about him or what he wants

He has messaged her and told her he is absolutely attending anyway.

I'm unsure what options I have really - he said he has already contacted the school and they said bringing 3 people is fine.

Should I message him to say she won't go if he attends?

I would call a meeting with the headteacher.

Show the court order and explain your DD’s preference. Ask that comms only go through you as main resident parent.

Tell them about the award issue and DD not wanting to go, and ask if the father can be rescinded the invitation due to your DD wishes.

He could just be saying that, I would call the school, explain the situation, and ask for support with DD and how best to ensure she can attend the ceremony.

Maybe she could arrive early, or be seated after he arrives so she doesn't have to cross paths with him.

You could message him that if he attends DD says she will not. Ask him to respect her wishes and not ruin her evening?