AIBU to let my daughter choose awards evening guests over her father?

[Trustmeits]

I'll try to be brief - really after opinions.

DD is 12, at the end of year 7 and has been invited to a school awards evening.

She doesn't see her Dad, she refuses to and court agreed with her and court order states she lives with me and sees him a few times a year and has phone contact (which she refuses).

School have said 2 guests limit at the event and she wants me and her sister (11) to go. Her dad has messaged me to say he will be there but she has said she won't attend if he is going.

AIBU to allow her to choose who should go or should I tell her he's her dad and should attend.

For context I have tried so hard to rebuild their relationship but I no longer feel responsibility for his actions that led him to this place with his daughter.

Please talk to the school. They don't fully understand the situation but if they did they would be better able to support your daughter.

I would also honestly block his number. She doesn't need to be contacted by him especially if it's exasperating the situation.

I would, otherwise how would he no?

As predicted he has called the school today and confirmed that 3 people can go and that he will be at all future events as both parents are always invited.

He has said I should not put these sort of decisions on her and I shouldn't be telling her what to say!!

Absolutely unbelievable - you think you are out of it when you divorce someone!!!

Why is she so adamant ? I never had to deal with this as my ex just fucked off and moved abroad with no contact and eventually dh adopted him. Court couldn’t find him. Just curious as ds has not really expressed an opinion either way, although older than your dd.

I would ask the school to give your daughter her award at school before the evening. You can have a lovely celebratory meal at home.

You can’t just not communicate if someone has PR.

dh’s ex kept doing this as she didn’t want dh having any input, and also wanted her OM at all school events to play happy families. it also made dh look bad and helped with the parental alienation when he didn’t turn up for whatever school events. In the end we got a solicits letter and the school stopped removing his details when she requested

if there is a court order however they should take it into school. It sounds like DD’s wishes should be observed so if she tells school she doesn’t want dad on her communications list, then they should follow that.

You could tell him that if he is going she will not attend however he would likely tell you he wasn't going then show up. I just wouldn't go.

If it were possible and your DD could be looked after say by a grandparent, I'd be tempted to go without her, and then when her name is read out, stand up and say why.

This is the exact behaviour from him that will push her futher away. I would just make sure she knows that you respect her decision , she is certainly old enough to decide herself.

Yes, we've all seen the Rape Gang Inquiry and exactly how much teachers and school admins care about girls.

If Dad has parental responsibility then school has a duty to share. It’s worthwhile reaching out and saying if Dad attends your daughter won’t be there as she feels quite strongly about this matter. Document live with order and state father is estranged.

The rest of the kids don’t need to hear about OPs crap ex

I’d tell him that your DD does not want him there and wants her sister there, so there is no ticket. I’m sure it’s his own doing that she doesn’t want a relationship with him, and turning up and ruining events for her is not the way to reconcile.

I guess she doesn’t go then. I’d speak to the school, but if he has PR, then they will continue to share with him. He needs to know she will not attend if he is there, and then she needs to follow through. Such a shame he will not listen to her feelings. This is not the way to go about trying to reconcile with her, this will make things so much worse and i’d be letting her know. Really he should say to her that he would have loved to have attended, but respects her decision, and wishes her well. Not sure why he thinks turning up anyway when not wanted is a good idea.

That’s such a terrible idea and would only serve to humiliate the child.

The school won’t get involved. They can’t stop him attending. The only option really is for her not to go.

If he has PR then school have to communicate with him.

You absolutely should support your daughter's choice. Awards evenings aren't the place to try to enforce contact. I think it says a lot about him that he isn't willing to prioritise her feelings on an evening which is about celebrating her.

Your court order may state that it isn't allowed to be shared without the consent of the court, so you may not be able to show it to school, but you should let them know what the details of it are, and that your daughter doesn't want her dad there. They are required to share information with him if he has PR but they don't have to allow him to cause distress to a child. No, schools shouldn't be involved in this sort of thing, but sometimes it's not a case of 'two adults not being able to sort things out between themselves'. Sometimes you have to advocate for your child to their other parent because their behaviour isn't reasonable.

I would contact school and tell staff that she will not attend if her F is there. Follow it up with an email including her head of year.

School staff either contact him and rescind his invite or she will be absent.

School are obliged to under education law. There is a guidance document about parental responsibility. Last time I looked it was well written and gave geat examples.

Because PR is so rarely removed by a family court. Please see numerous threads on here about that.

What occurred for there to be a family court order to prevent contact ?

if Dad is contravening that, shouldn’t OP go back to Court?

You can send the court order to the safeguarding/pastoral team. It helps the school support your DD. It's very difficult. I have had to deal with this personally and professionally. My DC, now young adults, will see their dad, but actively swerve the home if step mum is around on her own. So I get these late texts: mum coming to yours. Makes food planning a nightmare!

It sounds like the court order hasn't removed PR from him? Just given DD a choice in contact?
I certainly would inform the school that there's a court order in place and DD has the option to choose contact. If the school then allow him to attend events and DD hasn't chosen this, that would seem contrary to the order in my view. Although am not a lawyer !
In this instance as he's already contacted school and secured the ticket, I'd tell him that DD no longer wishes to attend as he is attending.

Abusers continue to abuse. It's dreadful. I do hope you are able to resolve this so she can attend. My ex used to insist his partner or her mother attend any event of my DC. I used to attend on my own and chat to the other parents.