AIBU to let my daughter choose awards evening guests over her father?

[Trustmeits]

I'll try to be brief - really after opinions.

DD is 12, at the end of year 7 and has been invited to a school awards evening.

She doesn't see her Dad, she refuses to and court agreed with her and court order states she lives with me and sees him a few times a year and has phone contact (which she refuses).

School have said 2 guests limit at the event and she wants me and her sister (11) to go. Her dad has messaged me to say he will be there but she has said she won't attend if he is going.

AIBU to allow her to choose who should go or should I tell her he's her dad and should attend.

For context I have tried so hard to rebuild their relationship but I no longer feel responsibility for his actions that led him to this place with his daughter.

Plenty of us did and do. But yes you will get misogyny in schools, particularly if that comes from the Head.

By the sounds of it, you are unable to stop him attending, even if you speak to the school. It’s unacceptable for your DD to miss out on her award ceremony because of him. Could you show her that you fully support her lack of contact, by ensuring that she is not in a situation where she is forced to engage with him?

Ie, he’s there, you all totally ignore the fact that he’s there. No interaction, no engagement. He doesn’t get the reaction he’s hoping for, and he fucks off for future events?

You’re never too young to learn to rise above things, when arseholes are trying to get a reaction. It’s sad that it’s coming from her dad, but unfortunately she’ll have to deal with it

A lot depends on the exact wording of the court order. If it states he sees her a few times a year is that on specific dates or another pattern? It is supervised contact?

Usually unless there is a supervision order or specific no contact order school events are on top of the standard contact arrangements i.e. either parent can attend a school event on any day. If this is the case school can't stop him attending as he has PR. They also have to communicate equally with him.

Unfortunately she will have to decide if its worth attending. Or alternatively go back to court for a no contact order.

Have you actually confirmed this with the school, or have you just heard this from your ex? I would speak to the school just to make sure - while I don't know your ex, I think it is possible he's talking bullshit and they never told him 3 people could go at all.

Are you for real? That would be utterly humiliating and terrible for her - she's Year 7, every other family in the school would know her situation and it would be gossip on steroids, and on top of that you'd be handing the father a cast-iron weapon, with hundreds of witnesses, allowing him to claim that this mum puts her feud with him above the best interests of her child and has no boundaries. It would harm the child and the mum alike. He would have five minutes if embarrassment - and then a field day.

Ridiculous suggestion, and mortifying for OPs DD when she goes to school the next day.

It’s actually a horribly tough one for all of you including her dad (no matter how horrible a person he may be/ what he may have done). Teenage stubbornness and hormones won’t help. I feel for you all op

You need to take control. Ask for a meeting with the head of year. Explain the situation and show them the court order. Even if they can’t do anything they should be completely aware of the situation. They can support her and maybe arrange some counselling to help her deal with the situation.
Block his number from your daughter’s phone. She doesn’t have to receive messages from him if she doesn’t want to. If there has to be way of him having contact set up a email account for only that, that only you have access to. She needs to know you will do everything you can to not put her in situations she doesn’t want to be in.
If he does turn up, stay completely calm and completely ignore him.
I think at her age you definitely shouldn’t try and re build relationships unless that’s what’s she’s specifically asked for. Just be in her corner.
It must be very hard for you all and he sounds like a complete arse!

It’s a difficult one …. Why doesn’t she want to see her dad?

(No judgment I have a daughter not much younger who doesn’t want to see her dad so it’s down to about 30 mins per month - no court orders in place)

Sounds like if he gave more of a shit about his daughters feelings he might be able to begin rebuilding their relationship.

Listen to your Daughter.

Some people don’t deserve to be involved in the good bits of parenting and it sounds like she’s decided he’s one of them. A biological contribution does not entitle anyone to anything. Support her.

I would contact the school the do need to know. What ia going on I think they have a duty of care for their pupils,
he doesn't care about your daughters upset he just wants his own way, what a horrible man he sounds.

Not about the adults though is it… it’s about the daughter. Can you not read?

What did he do that was so bad she doesn’t want to see him?

Can you give us some context so we can understand her reasoning

But I assume the dad has done something to make the DD not want to see him or have him at this event. He obviously has been a shit parent in her eyes. So he hasn’t t been an adult

Yes, make sure that he school has a copy of the court order on file.
If her wishes and feelings are to be taken into consideration, she doesn't want him to attend. Whatever happens, the evening will always have been spoilt for her but it would serve him right if he went and she didn't attend.
You really need to talk to the school about this. They may be able to help come to some agreement.

She hasn’t said she would get the school office involved. She has asked for opinions about a difficult situation caused by the girls Dad. I’m not sure your comment is helpful in anyway. Schools do and should support with difficult family dynamics anyway.

There's only so much they can do though. They can't stop him from coming. They can't have a bouncer on site to throw him out. They have no power whatsoever to deal with the actual situation on the night. Legally he's entitled to the same information as OP and he's entitled to be there.