To resent the support my younger sister gets?

[icecreamflavour]

My sister is 11 years younger than me and not only do I feel she had a completely different life growing up to me, I also feel that they completely support her financially now because I worked hard and she didn’t bother.

My parents never had any money when I was little so we lived in a small house and only had camping holidays in England, I had moved out by the time she was at secondary school but by then they had paid off their mortgage and got better jobs.

I worked hard, studied hard and got myself a mortgage and good job while she had behavioural problems at school and as a result didn’t get much of an education and by 16 was pregnant and given a council flat which mum and dad kitted out for her but she left her little one and the father in the flat and went to live with someone else which lasted 5 minutes.
She never changed, got in with the wrong crowd and spent years sofa surfing and drinking until mum and dad let her move home when she was 27 and paid for her driving lessons and gave her their perfectly good car and bought a new one.
She then met someone else and was pregnant again, got married and was given another council flat and got her other child back so mum and dad kitted this flat out again as they went on to have a further 2 children.
She has never worded a day in her life and relies on her husband’s wage and my parents financial support.

I am so angry, I have worked so hard for what I have. She was mid 40s when she was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD and some sort of non verbal learning disability, my parents feel guilty that they misunderstood her and think she just needed help so now they think she has done really well for herself with their support and her husbands and I shouldn’t begrudge her that.
She has since swapped her council flat for a big house by the sea and mum and dad pay for accommodation for all of them each year when they go and stay with them and pay for all day trips and meals out.

I won’t say they don’t support me in other ways but I do feel as though between my parents and her husband she has been provided a completely free life while apparently I am more capable and have made a successful life for myself.
She is 44 and never kept a job more than a few weeks so calls herself a sahm and her eldest child is 27 while she also has a toddler and two others in between and mum and dad couldn’t be more proud of how far she has come.
I get grand gestures to show fairness but I don’t get a piggy back through life.

It has seriously affected my relationship with my sister as we not close at all.

It sounds like she has difficulties tbh and people with these conditions do go on to lead totally chaotic lives as you describe. I would just be grateful you weren't born with the same problems and have been able to make a success of your life. there is nothing to be jealous of . Without the ongoing support of parents these kind of kids often go on to end up in prison or with addictions. believe me there are thousands and thousands of people like this in society.

Yeah, I’d just draw back from all of them.

Why on earth would you be jealous of someone who isn’t able to access money and security without the help of someone else? Her life sounds like every form of hell to me!!! Op you’re ruining your perfectly amazing life through bitterness you have no need for!

It doesn’t seem like she had that appealing a life. Yes she has had help but it sounds like she has disabilities that mean she is more vulnerable and needs more support.

It sounds like your sister actually needs the support, you don’t. You say they support you in other ways, why isn’t that good enough for you? You have support. Do you resent the fact she gets financial support? I’d much rather not need financial support from anyone else tbh and make my own way in life

There was a brief point in time where I started to resent the extra financial help my parents gave my sister. Then I realized it was a sign of her failures that she needed help, not favoritism. If I needed help they would be there for me, I just managed not to screw up my life that badly. Even when I made mistakes, I found a way to recover on my own. Instead of being resentful, I decided to take it as a point of pride.

I can see why it stings op but her life doesn't seem like its anything to aspire to.

I totally get it OP. I’ve lived through a very similar situation. Sister only 3 years older than me and with no disabilities though.

Once you get over the dislike of your sister, you’ll realise it’s not her fault, this is your parent’s fault for not treating you equally and fairly and recognising you also need help.

Your poor sister. So amazing your parents have been able to stick by her and support her. You would not wish those difficulties on anyone.

I can understand you not agreeing with her life choices- to choose to leave your child to go off and live with someone else, sofa surfing and partying is a shocking parenting decision, AuDHD or not.

but she does sound quite incapable of being independent and your parents probably thought they were doing the right thing supporting her to the extent that they kept paying for things for her. As a parent, if I bought a car for one child, I would buy a car for the other so again I do understand your resentment.

I would probably keep my distance. It’s a shame your sister keeps on having children knowing that she’s replying on your parents to fund it. And that your parents want to buy them accommodation and meals when they stay there and not you. I would step back from it all.

11 years is a big age gap, which makes treating you both equally more or less impossible even if it was appropriate.

It sounds like she needs support in ways that you didn't. The fact that they helped her more does not mean that they loved her more. You don't mention whether you have children. If you do, you'll see eventually that there are times where you have to do more for one than you do for the other(s).

I wouldn't be surprised if your sister envies your capability and stability as much as you envy the support she gets from your parents.

This is different her sister is AuDHD

YABU. Comparison is the thief of joy.

This is a very balanced reply which doesn’t make a massive dig at OP. I echo this sentiment.

While it can be frustrating to feel some people can do no wrong and will picked up and set on their feet again no matter what they do.... honestly OP its not a good life.

She will live at the mercy of the state and be screwed when a) her children age out of being a contributing factor to her benefits b) the government pull back on the amount of financial support being provided to those with autism & ASD (which they will).

Being treated unfairly by your own parents is also a thief of joy. It hurts.

Is she on benefits? I think OP said she’s funded by her DH and parents.

If the sister doesn’t own her own home by the time the parents die, she’ll be left their house (OP will be told, she needs it more) and OP goes without. Yes! I’m projecting!

I can’t even imagine where she would be now without your parents support. And her children also.

I only see her about twice a year and that’s only when she comes this way to visit my parents.
I have children and they like to see their cousins which is the only reason I meet up when they are this way.

I don’t dislike her, I just don’t relate to her, she’s socially awkward and not very conversational so I do find there is always an awkward silence to fill.
Mum and dad visit her once a year and make it into a holiday all expenses covered but then she does live by the sea now.
I do get invited but it’s not really my thing.
I don’t agree with the children, she couldn’t cope with her first but suddenly she’s an amazing mum now she’s using someone else’s bank card to pay the rent, bills and food shop while she stays at home.

On one hand it sounds like she's spoiled. On the other hand would you really want her life?

Isn't it great to be bright, capable and able to stand on your own feet. Chances are you're held up as being the golden child in her eyes.

Just tune out of their lives if you resent it that much.

YANBU OP. It sounds really unfair. I can see why your parents have supported her, because they love her, but it wouldn’t hurt for them to acknowledge how unjust it is.