To resent the support my younger sister gets?

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My sister is 11 years younger than me and not only do I feel she had a completely different life growing up to me, I also feel that they completely support her financially now because I worked hard and she didn’t bother.

My parents never had any money when I was little so we lived in a small house and only had camping holidays in England, I had moved out by the time she was at secondary school but by then they had paid off their mortgage and got better jobs.

I worked hard, studied hard and got myself a mortgage and good job while she had behavioural problems at school and as a result didn’t get much of an education and by 16 was pregnant and given a council flat which mum and dad kitted out for her but she left her little one and the father in the flat and went to live with someone else which lasted 5 minutes.
She never changed, got in with the wrong crowd and spent years sofa surfing and drinking until mum and dad let her move home when she was 27 and paid for her driving lessons and gave her their perfectly good car and bought a new one.
She then met someone else and was pregnant again, got married and was given another council flat and got her other child back so mum and dad kitted this flat out again as they went on to have a further 2 children.
She has never worded a day in her life and relies on her husband’s wage and my parents financial support.

I am so angry, I have worked so hard for what I have. She was mid 40s when she was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD and some sort of non verbal learning disability, my parents feel guilty that they misunderstood her and think she just needed help so now they think she has done really well for herself with their support and her husbands and I shouldn’t begrudge her that.
She has since swapped her council flat for a big house by the sea and mum and dad pay for accommodation for all of them each year when they go and stay with them and pay for all day trips and meals out.

I won’t say they don’t support me in other ways but I do feel as though between my parents and her husband she has been provided a completely free life while apparently I am more capable and have made a successful life for myself.
She is 44 and never kept a job more than a few weeks so calls herself a sahm and her eldest child is 27 while she also has a toddler and two others in between and mum and dad couldn’t be more proud of how far she has come.
I get grand gestures to show fairness but I don’t get a piggy back through life.

It has seriously affected my relationship with my sister as we not close at all.

That. My brother was bailed out by my parents over and over. He lives in a house that he didn't have to pay a penny for (but in fairness he maintained it and had paid all bills throughout).

But he didn't, and doesn't have the opportunities that I did, through me being naturally more academic, more 'together' and having the chance to escape the kind of life that he has.
He's in his sixties, but I'm fairly sure he'd have a diagnosis today, if he was younger.

I don't envy him or resent the support he got, at all, though it took a couple of decades for me to recognise how differently our lives had panned out, and understand my privilege.

I have 4 children and they all have completely different needs so are treat differently to meet those needs its not because I have favourites its because I want all my children to be safe, happy and as independent as possible. Some of them will need more help then others to achieve this.

But do you ever try and even it up?

Take the other out for lunch, treat them, make it known that you know you're treating them unfairly?

Do you ever acknowledge what you're doing?

My mum has continually helped my brother out and it now doing it with his kids, me nothing, my kids nothing!

He's floundering because he is constantly helped out!

ithappenstootherfamilies

Luckily they’d still at the age where it’s only about food, sweets and clothes but when I get there of course I’ll try and be fair, but if you help someone out in a huge way because they’re nearly homeless- we’re not rich, I’d only be able to do a token something for everyone else

Why are you so angry? Your little sister's life sounds car crash. Weren't you the one who got away? You've worked hard and made a success of your life. I'd be thanking my lucky stars I wasn't my sister. Continue to have a good life and forget about her. You seem all-consumed with bitterness which will eat your good life up.

Everything that@bunnyotter has said. As the parents we do struggle with treating our children equally but luckily my other children who are neurotypical understand and there is no resentment.
If you learn about ADHD and how it effects the dopamine levels which causes problems with every day life ,you might feel less resentful and be glad that you don’t have the day to day struggles that your sister has.

she's not that disabled

With all due respect, the evidence would suggest that she is that disabled. Perhaps if she'd been diagnosed and her disabilities properly supported as a child, things would be different now - but hindsight is 20:20 isn't it?

The fact that you resent the support she's received is understandable, I guess (if nothing to be proud of). But really, you're the one fortune smiled on.

this, it’s honestly boring and ridiculous the “gosh can’t you see how lucky you are, working full time and having a mortgage to pay and other bills? How awful must it be to have your rent paid for you, not have any responsibility and your whole day is always your own! That’s just dreadful!”

Seriously, you're jealous?

Of someone who’s never had to contribute, work and had things handed to her?
Similar situations on mn have then had the parents and who’ve not offered support to the “successful” offspring then expect that child to then take on the donkey work when they need help as they age, or take on the mantle of supporting their sibling. But that’s verboten to not do gladly, as you’re just meant to be so happy to help, with all your luck…

And not jealous… just pissed off at the inequality

I wouldn't want her life. Its as simple as that. I wouldn't be jealous of someone who doesn't work, lived at home etc.

Good on you.

what's wrong with 'living at home' for a period? Literally everyone 'lives at home' that's what makes it a home!

It's not like she's still at her parents', sounds like she moved out years ago and has " a big house by the sea" now, plus a husband and kids...seems like a pretty nice life to me!

Yeah it really sucks that we're we're not all born disabled.

I think as long as you’re happy in your own life.

My sister had much more financial support from home than me. She isn’t afraid to ask. I never have… She now has a lovely home, good job, perfect child & successful DH. So, my parents more so than ever think she needs the help to maintain her lifestyle.

Whereas we don’t “need” anything, of course…

Sorry, you’re 55, still expecting help from your parents and their grand gestures are good enough?! You need to get on with your own life and learn the difference between equity and equality.

YANBU. My sister is 2 years older than me at 36 and has long standing mental health problems and previous substance misuse. Hasn’t worked for years and my dad is constantly at her beck and call (mum died 7 years ago but it was also like that before mum died). She has had multiple opportunities for help and support over the years most of which she hasn’t engaged with. Despite having had my own difficulties in life with losing 4 babies as well as losing my mum I’ve done fairly well for myself, educated to masters level with a good job which I worked hard for, engaged and own house with partner. As a result my relationship with my dad is strained as he is constantly enabling her which makes her worse and has a negative impact on his wellbeing too. Everyone voting YABU is not recognising that your sister has to have some accountability for themselves and her actions despite difficulties, and also the negative impact this must be having on your parents and your wellbeing.

YABU, I thought reading this you must be in your 20s, only to see your sister is 44 so you must be 55!

I wonder if your sister envies your life..?

I think it's a difficult situation. I have similar, my sibling is 10 years younger than me and their life has been very different to mine, they've had many opportunities and a lot of support that just wasn't there. Your situation is very different in other ways, but the thing I would keep in mind is 11 years can change a lot. If you look back to how you were 11 years ago for example. My sibling had a very different life but that's because my parents were 10 years further into work, had more money, were more mature, has been through couple's therapy, all that stuff happens over time so they were very different when they had my sibling so it is natural.

Not saying that excuses everything else. But maybe attributing some of the differences to this will help you feel less upset about it all?

I'm happy everything worked out for your sister. Odd that you're not. It could have gone very badly.

Oh, and raising another generation of human beings IS work. Hope this helps.

It's right that people who find it harder to manage life get more support,, and natural for parents of adult children who are struggling to keep helping them. You wouldn't really want to be like your sister would you?

So she has council house by the sea? Or her husband's wages brought a house by the sea?