To resent the support my younger sister gets?

[icecreamflavour]

My sister is 11 years younger than me and not only do I feel she had a completely different life growing up to me, I also feel that they completely support her financially now because I worked hard and she didn’t bother.

My parents never had any money when I was little so we lived in a small house and only had camping holidays in England, I had moved out by the time she was at secondary school but by then they had paid off their mortgage and got better jobs.

I worked hard, studied hard and got myself a mortgage and good job while she had behavioural problems at school and as a result didn’t get much of an education and by 16 was pregnant and given a council flat which mum and dad kitted out for her but she left her little one and the father in the flat and went to live with someone else which lasted 5 minutes.
She never changed, got in with the wrong crowd and spent years sofa surfing and drinking until mum and dad let her move home when she was 27 and paid for her driving lessons and gave her their perfectly good car and bought a new one.
She then met someone else and was pregnant again, got married and was given another council flat and got her other child back so mum and dad kitted this flat out again as they went on to have a further 2 children.
She has never worded a day in her life and relies on her husband’s wage and my parents financial support.

I am so angry, I have worked so hard for what I have. She was mid 40s when she was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD and some sort of non verbal learning disability, my parents feel guilty that they misunderstood her and think she just needed help so now they think she has done really well for herself with their support and her husbands and I shouldn’t begrudge her that.
She has since swapped her council flat for a big house by the sea and mum and dad pay for accommodation for all of them each year when they go and stay with them and pay for all day trips and meals out.

I won’t say they don’t support me in other ways but I do feel as though between my parents and her husband she has been provided a completely free life while apparently I am more capable and have made a successful life for myself.
She is 44 and never kept a job more than a few weeks so calls herself a sahm and her eldest child is 27 while she also has a toddler and two others in between and mum and dad couldn’t be more proud of how far she has come.
I get grand gestures to show fairness but I don’t get a piggy back through life.

It has seriously affected my relationship with my sister as we not close at all.

"It has seriously affected my relationship with my sister as we not close at all"

"I just don’t relate to her, she’s socially awkward and not very conversational so I do find there is always an awkward silence to fill"

Which of these is it? Looks like you're jealous of her and you don't like her.

Oh no she doesn’t get benefits, she’s not that disabled, just can’t manage to keep a job.

You can be annoyed at the inequality without actually wanting someone’s life.

Sounds like your sisters undiagnosed disabilities were a significant factor in her issues.

You’ve alluded to some support your DParents have given you over the years (“grand gestures”), but not spelt it out. For balance, can you list some of these e.g. did they give you a house deposit, but help sister with rent etc? It might help you to put the situation in perspective.

She is neurodiverse which is why she may appear socially awkward.

What ‘grand gestures’ have you received? Most people don’t get any of these.

eekididitagain
totally get it OP. I’ve lived through a very similar situation. Sister only 3 years older than me and with no disabilities though.
Once you get over the dislike of your sister, you’ll realise it’s not her fault, this is your parent’s fault for not treating you equally and fairly and recognising you also need help.

As a parent I think we’re in an impossible situation if one sibling is very obviously struggling and the other flourishing and the flourishing one is angry we’re helping the one that’s wading through mud. We’re not going to watch them go homeless or get sick without helping

My youngest sibling's a decade younger than me and had some differences in upbringing as our parents were in a different life stage and financial situation. But nothing as different as your situation and nothing that I resent.

I have another family member who has had all sorts handed to her on a plate. Private education, huge help with housing and childcare, business "loans" etc and do you know what? I don't want that life. It's chaotic. I'd not want to be beholden to anyone. I love that my own children live with me and that we've got a lovely positive relationship with my step child. I'm proud of what I've achieved on my state school education and the career that has been shaped through decades of focus and dedication and genuine passion.

I feel like there are a few things going on for you:

1. the imbalance bothers you. it feels unfair and unequal. However, it is probably equitable as your younger sibling NEEDED the support. It doesn't mean it feels any better to you but I can see the logic from your parents' perspective.
2. it seems that no one else in your life has really acknowledged the difference and has probably never told you that they're proud of you and that they are grateful that you've not caused the stress and worry that your sister has over the years
3. your own children will have benefitted from the stability, certainty and routine that you've brought to their lives by not being a chaotic parent. It's better for them that you've never been in a situation where you've needed bailing out.
4. you should be proud of what you've achieved independently. But, you can also talk with your parents in a really calm and open way about how the difference in the levels of support you and your sister have experienced have made you feel.
5. you have a lovelier life for skipping out the chaos, you have control.
6. it must all have been very stressful and expensive for your parents over the years and they will have behaved in a reactionary way at times without any overall parental strategy because they want you and your sister to be safe and have a roof over your heads. the focus will obvs have been on her because she's pulled the focus due to her personal choices and situation. approach them with grace.

Have you read or listened to the Let Them Theory? Honestly, I think it could help you.

Whats a non verbal learning disability?

So she has a learning disability autism and ADHD which was undiagnosed and unsupported until well into adulthood. And you resent her needing, and being given more support now.

My DD has complex needs, she will need financial and practical help well into adulthood, my DS is bright, capable and very able. I’d be deeply disappointed if he resented his sister getting help that he doesn’t need to live independently when the time comes. He doesn’t need the level of scaffolding that she will, it would hold him back to try and do that. Each child has different needs - not loved differently at all, but definitely need different types and levels of support.

This is not the first long, waffly thread you've started full of resentment for your sister, is it OP?

You're being hypocritical by patting yourself on the back regarding your financial independence, but bleating about not getting handouts.

Your poor sister hasn't had much of a life. You should be pleased she's getting the help she needs.

Wow…you are mad that your parents raised you to be successful and self sufficient. And mad that they were able to improve their own financial situation, and support your sister who clearly has a really tricky life.

Maybe your sister could do better, but I bet she would rather have your life than hers. Same as everyone here would rather have yours than hers.

Would you choose to have her life over yours?

I hear you
I have a very similar and equally unfair situation with my sister
and parents.
My advice is to take a step back and breathe- this situation will eat you up and enrage you otherwise. You can’t get annoyed or upset by something you don’t see
If you can’t have a conversation about it, go low contact and focus on yourself

You're treated as more capable because you ARE more capable than her. She has conditions which have obviously had a significant impact on her ability to cope with life. Presumably, her husband is happy for her to be a SAHM and her children are healthy and well cared for? It sounds like your parents have done their best to try and support her in difficult circumstances.

You can be proud of your ability to stand on your own two feet, or you can let the resentment eat you up. You can't change what's happened in the past but you are responsible for your own happiness. Letting go of the resentment can only benefit you.

It's very hard to make things fair and equal between your children, particularly with such a big age gap and different circumstances applying. I have one with AuADHD who is working while living at home and will probably not go to university but we'd of course support her if she wanted to in future. The older one goes to university and we give her quite a lot to support her and she also works at university and when at home. There is not such a big age gap though and they get on very well, but I do think about how much money we are giving to DD1 and that DD2 will not necessarily have that, though neither will she have university debt.

She's got ND issues. Be glad you don't. It makes life hard work to just function at a basic level.

She may envy your independence for all you know. I know which life I'd prefer and it's the one without the chaos.

I'm not sure what you are resentful about, except that your sister has had nore support and resources- but she has needed them, you have sucessfully launched and built a life for yourself and it makes you who you are- what extra support would you have needed or wanted?
Most families have a child who gets a disproportionate amount of attention and resources- TBH often the child who gets the extra doesn't really need it, but get it anyway.
You are in a better postion your sibling really did need extra- so get over it.

But she’s autistic, of course she has social and communication difficulties. That’s why you don’t connect with her. It doesn’t really sound like you’ve tried to understand her autism

Yeah, there's a lot of that about. Wanting the benefits without the inherent inequality. The inequality is because people aren't equal to start with.

Yabu fair doesnt mean equal. Two children. One coping and doing well in life. One needing more help. Your parents are human too. Not perfect. They helped her because she needed help and you didnt no? Doesnt the fact you can cope fine on your own mean you are in a more fortunate position. I have two kids. Love them both equally. Will always help who needs it when i can. But who knows where there life will go and who will need what. If you know they love you please dont make a stink out of them helping her when she needed it. They didnt make her life choices just helped her when they could.

Well, without your parents’ support where would she be? Homeless? Drug addicted? That’s the path people often end up going down when they don’t have the right support network. Would that be preferable to what’s happening now?

I would try to change your thinking a bit, she gets more support because she needs it. She clearly has difficulties in her life that has led her down a rather chaotic path and your parents seem like a good sort who have done what they can to help her. It’s not out of favouritism it’s out of need.

You don’t have any of these difficulties, so have managed to build a life independently, you probably have more financial security long term than your sister and likely cause your parents far less worry, you are probably happier in general than your sister too. I’d take all that as a win to be honest. I’m sure if you ever fell on hard times your parents would support you in the same way, but fact is you haven’t needed that from them.

usually I'm very sympathetic to these sort of threads (family unfairness/favouritism) but I think YABU, sorry.

Firstly because I don't think you understand how hard it is to have had undiagnosed disabilities, particularly 40-50 years ago when attitude towards them were very different. It's very understandable they feel guilty about it and want to make up for it - you probably won't remember but it's very likely they compared her to you growing up and told her off,moaned at her, or at the very least queried her not paying attention, not working hard at school, not picking things up quickly.

Secondly because it does sound like your parents have helped you out quite a lot as well - you refer to 'grand gestures' etc. Particularly given the age discrepancy and that they were at different stages of life when they had you - it seems very unfair to have expected them to only go camping or whatever despite being able to afford better holidays, just because you didn't have them.

I also don't get what you mean when you say your parents pay for accommodation for 'all of them' when they go to visit her in her new house. If she's living there why would they need to pay for accommodation for her? Paying for themselves is completely normal, as is treating the grandkids to a few meals out - it seems petty to begrudge that.

Ultimately, what is all this resentment getting you - it's just making you feel like shit and impacting your relationship with your family.

If there is anything specific you'd like your parents to help you out with, or think they are being unfair - e.g. they treat your DC (if you have them) differently to their cousins - raise that. But if not I'd try to let it go. Life's too short to resent your family. Who knows how much longer you have left with them - in a few years you and your sister could be the only ones left of your natal family.

I can understand that growing up with a sibling with disabilities must have been very difficult. Your parents may have taken your NT development for granted and not given you the time and attention that you deserved. I believe that a person in your position who grew up with a disabled sibling are called a glass child.

But your sister didn’t choose to be Nd. She’s very lucky that her parents and husband can financially support her because she is vulnerable and could have ended up being manipulated. When your parents say that they are proud of her, I imagine it’s because they imagined terrible alternative life scenarios for her. There are abusers out there with razor sharp radar for vulnerable women who could have easily fucked up her life. It is a good thing that things turned out well for her when the odds were against that.

If your parents had been totally equal between you then it would be easy to end up in a situation where your sister isn’t having her needs met. You know your parents and their capability to help you best. Are the grand gestures something that aren’t actually helpful or wanted by you? Do you really resent your sister or is it your parents that you actually resent?

ND people can be hard to get along with and I suspect that she’d say that NT people are hard to get along with too. Have you read about her diagnoses in order to try and understand?

What are the 'grand gestures' you've received?

There is no ND involved with my sisters and I, but both of them have benefitted more from my parents than I have as both have been given cars, whereas I haven’t. Their financial positions are different from mine though- while I don’t earn mega bucks I earn decently for my age and in a fortunate position.

Is it unfair? Technically yes. But I don’t really pay in any mind, as I would much rather have my life where I can live pretty freely as opposed to theirs which is more restricted (financially).

We do all get on well though so that probably makes it easier to shrug off.