To think being well-adjusted is a privilege no one acknowledges enough?

[HealthyHomesMatter]

So many “personality traits” are just trauma responses.

But even this is subjective. Obviously having two parents together is the optimal scenario but there's so much more nuance to it.

I have been a single parent (I no longer am) but have spent a lot of time around other single parent households and I would venture to say in many of these households the children are better adjusted than in households where there are two parents. A financially stable, loving lone parent can provide an upbringing that is as good as a coupled family, particularly if the parents in the coupled family no longer like or respect one another.

Coming from a single parent household doesn't automatically mean a child will experience trauma. Coming from a coupled household doesn't automatically shield him or her from abuse or trauma.

There are so many more variables than people are acknowledging.

Well yes, Gordon Ramsay grew up in poverty with an alcoholic father and witnessed domestic violence towards his mother.
He used that trauma to fuel his determination to make sure his own life was better while his brother became a drug addict and ended up homeless.
Both experienced the same trauma, both had completely different outcomes and yes maybe that’s down to choice and mindset.

I came from a very privileged background, had 2 loving and supportive parents, we lived very comfortably.
While my sibling went to uni and now owns his own business.
I failed all my exams and struggle through life in poverty because I was in my 40s before I was diagnosed with learning disabilities and ADHD and no amount of nurturing and step-ups in life were going to change the fact that I couldn’t learn like nt students so I have no qualifications and no chance of ever getting a better paid job.
My own daughter lives in poverty and is doing great, she’s at grammar school, she is so clever and bright yet I couldn’t even understand her maths homework in infants.

It’s not always a case of work hard, some people really struggle to get through life in a world they can barely function in but that’s because the world was built for how the majority of brains are wired and that doesn’t work for them but that’s not their choice.

I agree so strongly with this.

Social media has enormously exacerbated the issue, particularly amongst young adults and teens who end up in echo chambers self diagnosing themselves with all sorts (I don’t simply mean neurodiversity here). It seems to have profoundly impacted both their resilience and ability to function as expected for their age.

Yet another load of AI tosh!

I agree with you 100% OP.

I thought I was well adjusted in that despite ups and downs my baseline is to be happy, content, grateful and optimistic.

Im not experiencing MH issues as a result of undiagnosed ND and stress which has caused an array of physical and mental problems.

I don't get the tirade about avoiding personal respnsibility by acknowledging youre not well adjusted either. Like physical health, I dont think you can put a price on good mental health.

What are you suggesting OP? If we acknowledge this is a privilege, how should it be allowed for or what adjustments should be made?

Very well said.

Agree with this & especially @SmallTreeDeepRootsalso.

it's very telling that people who experienced a real trauma, like your example, are usually much more resilient and better achieving than those ruminating about other people's privileges.
It's always so easy to say other have xyz and I don't and that's the reason I'm such a waste

I think the term privilege has become quite political.

If the OP had said something like - "People who have a stable upbringing and are really well adjusted are really fortunate" I wonder if it would have been so contentious?

I used to often think how lucky I was to have a positive disposition; I didn't earn it or deserve it, I was born like that and I definitely think it makes my life easier. That's not to say people can't make an effort to be more positive or that it gives people an excuse to be grumpy bastards if they are naturally as positive as me but I can see how in the particular respect i am fortunate.

Strongly agree. Lots of people think their agression is warranted when actually it’s stress and or neurosis. Lots of the most vocal people obsessed with micro aggressions etc are hyper focused in paranoid ways. Our society in many ways is being trained to walk on eggshells around narcissists.

As a young person I worked in a big company which implemented lots of programs for BAME, working-class people etc.

I used to sit in those meetings and think about the people I know who fitted those categories but had a stable happy family life. I was struggling with the effects of being abused as a child by my white, middle-class parents even into my twenties and thirties.

It affects everything going forwards -- self esteem, confidence, friendships, romantic relationships.

Not having the kind of ongoing family life I saw my peers have around me was really difficult well into adulthood, you feel quite isolated and alone as a young adult if you don't have anyone to turn to for advice, reassurance or company from your family. No one to rely on.

It is another layer to consider but I don't see how it could possibly be codified into any kind of equalities legislation. I also don't want to downplay the class and race privilege I do have and people from under-represented backgrounds absolutely do deserve the support they are being given in education and the workplace.

But yes, I think it is under-discussed. If you come from a materially privileged background people just assume you have the relationships that are assumed to go with a middle class background, which just isn't always the case.

I can't think of many situations in day to day life where it'd be relevant or interesting to be acknowledging the privilege of being well-adjusted. If people have trauma that's shaped them then that's something to acknowledge where needed for adjustments, support etc. But the opposite by definition doesn't need any acknowledgement as they can just get on with the business of living. Unless you're saying you want them to feel bad and qualify anything they achieve by citing their good fortune in being well-adjusted (either naturally or by circumstance). Honestly, I think it sounds a pretty tedious way to see the world.

I don't understand this thread. Are we supposed to wear t-shirts and apologise or what

It is a hugely positive thing to acknowledge that you are struggling and to work through your problems. Nobody is denying this and in fact this is being encouraged on this thread by everyone.

The controversy is regarding OP's claim that being well-adjusted is a privilege and that presumably negative personality traits are often simply the result of trauma. There is a large degree of helplessness and victimhood in this way of thinking that many simply don't agree with. Many people, like you, have lived complex lives. There have been good and bad times, privilege and lack of privilege, ND traits and NT traits and some degree of trauma. We can all look at our lives and try to explain or even excuse our poor behaviour and bad decisions making but what is the point of this? Often it simply traps us in a world of introspection and blame that isn't going to move us forward.

And yet one would hope this was the norm. Even if the parents don’t live together.

Why on earth would we expect so little from parents?h

Because it’s uncontrollable. Expectations don’t make things happen. We can’t make people bring up their children up to be well adjusted - they may not be capable of it themselves

I agree, OP. My childhood wasn’t perfect, but I grew up to be an adult who basically feels safe. I am also a positive person because my dad modelled that. These are two things I feel hugely grateful for and don’t take for granted.

Very true. And I don't think it's true at all that having a supportive family with both parents around isn't recognised as important. I'm not going to say a 'privilege' because I agree it's not and shouldn't be an exceptional thing, but it's constantly shown to be a big factor in educational outcomes etc. so the notion that this is never acknowledged is bizarro. Unless we're talking about people literally going around acknowledging it by saying they had it and are thankful and so so lucky. This level of focusing on every factor in one's identity is just not that fascinating.

Some people will need professional help to get through this (I did) but I really believe that everyone can heal from trauma, they just need to find the right approach that works for them.

They also need access to that professional help, which sadly many (if not most) won’t ever get. I did, and I’m very fortunate that I eventually found a therapist who helped me to heal (after countless useless ones). But I also acknowledge that I was fortunate to be able to afford it financially, that I wasn’t so broken that I’d lost the tenacity to keep searching for a better/more suitable therapist and indeed had something in my life that gave me the motivation to recover (my DCs and DH).

All this “mental health awareness” is bollocks unless we help damaged people to access the help they need - especially when they are too damaged to find it themselves.

What people don't like to admit is that you have a choice, and making trauma your whole personality just makes you stuck in that moment forever

This is absolutely right. By all means spend your limited time on Earth navel gazing or stamping your feet but accept it’s a choice. Literally no adult is untouched by bad luck at one time or another and often the people who’ve overcome the hardest things are the ones who don’t bang on about it but choose to make the most of the better parts of their lives.

100%. Our ancestors fought war, plague, work houses, slavery, indentured servitude, famine etc and we are going to plead 'privilege' on behalf of others who have married parents or who are 'well-adjusted'?

Give over!

I hate the word privilege. It's cringe.

This ‘privilege’ term has become overused.
At this rate we’ll start saying people who can breathe independently are privileged.
We need to start accepting that life is life with its ups and downs and we need to make the most of what we have to the best of our abilities.
And, as adults, to address issues where we recognise them.

On the one hand, yes, there are obvious advantages and disadvantages in life. On the other hand, I'm so (so so so) tired of things being described as 'privilege'.

Indeed and if you’re lucky enough to be born to two supportive, loving, well-adjusted parents you’ve won the lottery of life x