AIBU to feel hurt that my friend is avoiding meeting my baby?

[PeanutTomo13]

For context, I welcomed my rainbow baby in April after 3 pregnancy loses back to back (2 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy). My friend, who I thought I was very close with still hasn’t met my son. I finally gathered up the courage to ask her why she was avoiding me and she disclosed to me she had a miscarriage 5/6 years ago and that she wants a baby but is struggling with it (she isn’t in a relationship so not actively trying) hence why she hasn’t met my son yet, he’s 7 weeks old. It doesn’t look like she will be anytime soon.

How do I navigate this? I have been in her very shoes multiple times and I was always able to separate my own sadness and my happiness for others, in my head those two feelings can coexist together, despite sometimes it can be hard.

Any advice welcome

Congratulations OP on your little one. It’s a tough one, everyone handles grief differently. If both of you were having struggles conceiving and then you eventually go on to have a healthy baby, as amazing as that is for you I can see why this would be another blow for her sadly. I would try and give her grace and let her lead.

Any reason you’ve posted this twice?

As you’ve been in her shoes I’m surprised really that you’re not being more understanding of her situation.

Everyone deals with their emotions differently, she’s not wrong for having been honest with you, be a friend to her and accept her honesty.

I feel for her tbh, and I don’t think you should force her or feel slighted by her not meeting her baby given the context, that’s pretty ugly imo. BTW, I’m also struggling to conceive so I’m actively avoiding new borns and baby showers etc. I even feel a bit triggered by tv shows lately so it can be very sensitive for a lot of women. Please give her space.

New here and trying to navigate this website, I think I removed my other post! 🤔

OP, you might be able to separate the feelings of loss and happiness, but your friend clearly can't. She sees the world differently to you. She may also be facing the fact that she might never be a mum at all.

You have to accept her decision. Hopefully she will come round and eventually meet your DS, but that has to be up to her.

“she isn’t in a relationship so isn’t actively trying”

OK. I am going to put your insensitivity down to hormones clogging up your empathy vibes. Have a think about it though.

I would be giving her some grace and space on this one I'm afraid. I think you can be a bit hurt about her not meeting him, but surely knowing her reasons and having been in that position yourself you can see she's not trying to actively upset you, but protecting herself?

She may, in time, feel comfortable meeting your son. Maybe when he's not such a newborn. But making a huge deal about this now will probably ruin your friendship forever.

I have friends I would consider good friends who haven't met my kid (he's 18m old) and some whose kids I also haven't met. Life and geography get in the way. Doesn't mean we can't still support each other and be friends.

Congratulations OP. I had my rainbow baby in 2022 following the loss of 2 babies (miscarriage) I know how special having a little one can be especially after these circumstances.

Honestly? I’ve been on both sides too and I think you should give her a bit of grace. It took me months to meet my friends new baby after my miscarriages, which were recent and still raw at the time but as we know time doesn’t always heal for some people.

It took one of my friends about 5 months to meet my son after her loss.

I imagine she is in a situation where others around her are having their little babies and she’s not in a position to get pregnant and finding it really hard.

I would message her back personally and tell her you understand and are there for her, and when she feels ready she’s absolutely welcome over to meet your baby.

I’d give her the space she’s told you she needs. You don’t know fully what’s been going on for her since her last miscarriage - she may be struggling to conceive or feel unable to try again. The length of time is irrelevant because loss hits people differently. You don’t need to navigate this, she’s your friend - you’ve had a lovely change in life circumstances, enjoy your baby but don’t try to force her to meet your baby, let her be.

I also skipped on baby showers after my losses, my friends were luckily very understanding and we are still friends now! Please give her grace x

Having been in the same situation as her - can you not see how this could be hard for her? She is allowed to to grieve or feel sad for the baby she loss and she want to distance herself from you and your new baby - surely you can understand that? The fact that you can compartmentalise does not mean she can. Please don’t force your baby on her - she’s not ready.

I think it’s a tough situation and even if you’ve been in the same position you can both still feel very differently.

I also think the fact she isn’t in a relationship and so isn’t actively trying may be making her feel worse rather than better- I assume from what you’ve said you think it should make her feel better?

When I had my first baby I had a friend in both situations. The one who had a recent loss and was actively trying again always said she found seeing my baby comforting and it sort of gave her hope that it would happen for her, the one who had previous losses and was now single found it much harder because she desperately wanted a baby and was in a position where not only did she not have one but she was also nowhere near having or trying for one. Obviously again not everyone feels the same but just something to think about.

In any case, have you acutally been in the shoes she is standing in right now, which is still really wanting a baby after a miscarriage but not feeling able to try as not in a relationship?

Congratulations on your lovely new baby OP.

I think your joy at your new arrival is making you tone deaf when it comes to your friend. @viques has pointed oout a huge stumbling block your friend is currently facing when it comes to realising her dreams of motherhood

Please be underranding and accepting of how your friend is feeling.

You have been through losses so surely this makes it far easier to empathise with her? I had losses too and then when I finally had a successful pregnancy, my friend who had also had prior losses got pregnant too. We were both delighted but sadly she lost hers at 21 weeks. I completely avoided mentioning my pregnancy to her because I fully understood how sad I was even seeing babies in public after my losses.

We tried to maintain our friendship after he was born and she even asked to meet him but I think it was too much and in the end she blocked me. I understood because I knew how emotional I became after my losses- surely you do too?

My SIL avoided my DD when she was a baby, my DB visited very occasionally on his own. They had been struggling with IVF for about 8 years by that point. She eventually had DN when DD was 18m, and we stayed with them a few months before the birth, DD, now 8, adores SIL.

I'm surprised you are surprised. If anything I would think you'd understand. You've been there.

she isn’t in a relationship so not actively trying Ouch.

YABU. So unreasonable I have to ask: Is this a reverse?

OP, you must see that not being in a relationship makes things even harder for her and will be adding to her sadness?

you were able to. Great
you are not her.
the fact you were in a position to try again Vs being single and maybe never meeting anyone to try again is likely to make some difference in how you both feel. individual resilience. desire to people please. underlying mental health. support. personality.

lots of reasons why two people deal with similar situations differently.

you deal with it by keeping in touch same as your recent did, and bi only mentioning baby when it's relevant, don't hide his existence but don't monologue for an hour on his solidifying poo.

don't force yourself to leave baby to see her until you're ready. then see her when and where it suits you both.

your baby is amazing and precious and the centre of your universe but it shouldn't cost a friendship just because the other person doesn't feel the same way.

Congrats on the baby.

You're being reasonable to feel hurt, your feelings are fine. But you'd be unreasonable to share that with her. I'd have thought from your own experience you'd know how agonising it is when you want a baby and someone else has one. Just because you were able to be happy for others doesn't mean she can.

A perspective you might not have considered: in her shoes, she hasn't got a partner so she's likely a long way away from even trying, meanwhile she's getting older and risks go up. She doesn't know if she'll ever be able to try. You're in a relationship and able to keep trying. Not to say your losses aren't incredibly painful, but from where she is sitting you're a lot more fortunate than she is. Not only have you got the ability to keep trying, you've got a partner. She has neither. The term is social infertility, people who want children but can't have them due to social reasons.

If you want to be a good sensitive friend then tell her you understand, and focus on your friendship being one where you can escape from parenthood topics and activities. Whenever you feel ready, go for coffee and catch up and don't mention your baby. She might in time start feeling able to discuss it when the initial sting wears off. But if you can't make space for her as a friend without your new role as a parent taking the friendship over I think you'll end up drifting apart, which might be for the best anyway.

I think that's what's going on here too.

OP, I am so sorry about your losses and it's lovely news about your baby. But as @viques says, have a think about this one, and please give your friend lots of space

I have been in her very shoes multiple times and I was always able to separate my own sadness and my happiness for others, in my head those two feelings can coexist together, despite sometimes it can be hard
But she can't. The situation is different too because you had a partner and so still some hope. Hers is more distant.

Respect her pain and how it limits her. Remember that she probably would love to feel that she could feel happy meeting your baby and probably feels guilty.

Give her time, she'll move on one way or the other.

I was struggling to understand. I was walking around Sainsbury’s buying gifts for my friends baby shower as I was actively bleeding from my 3rd loss, it was awful and empty, horrendous but I did it and shown up and now reading these comments I’m questioning why I put myself through something so difficult when actually, I didn’t have to… I’m not sure how to articulate this correctly but I didn’t realise that I could have distanced myself and avoided it and it would have been OK.

True friends understand, I’d never expect someone going through their 3rd loss to attend my baby shower if they didn’t want too.

Give her the same grace x