Page 3 | AIBU to feel hurt that my friend is avoiding meeting my baby?

Savvysix1984 · 15/06/2026 10:47

You don’t sound like you’re as close as you think if you didn’t know about her pregnancy loss and that she wants kids. 7 weeks is not that long. I’d take a step back and give her time.

5foot5 · 15/06/2026 10:53

Just came on to say that I had never heard the phrase "rainbow baby" before so I went away and googled it. I think that is such a lovely phrase. Congratulations ❤️

2msoundsright · 15/06/2026 10:57

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

You are being unreasonable in respect of your friend. It's great that she has been honest with you. I wouldn't assume that she doesn't feel happy for you- she's just not able to be there in person for reasons that are completely understandable.

GimmieABreakOr3 · 15/06/2026 11:04

Marloo · 15/06/2026 09:28

I had my first loss at 27 years old. A friend of mine at the time got pregnant almost straight after my loss. I tried to explain that I was struggling and worried but I can still hear her words in reply almost 20 years later: “just because you’ve had one loss doesn’t mean you won’t ever have a baby so stop being so ridiculous and dramatic. If you expect me to be your friend when you get pregnant and have a baby then you need to be my friend now.” She then also went and told all our mutual friends how ridiculous I was. I ended up blocking her and I’ve actually never seen her since. I drifted from most other friends as well over the years as they all went on to have children and naturally preferred to spend time with other parents. I however went on to have repeated miscarriages over the next 15 years with multiple IVF rounds thrown in eating away tens of thousands of pounds. So her words still ring in my head. That I was ridiculous and that of COURSE I would go on to have a baby later. I did not. And obviously now will not.
Does it get easier? For me in all honesty? Not yet. I avoid babies. I avoid pregnant people. I can’t avoid them all and course I’ve become a master of faking it and smiling at the time! I still cry. I often think about divorcing my husband so he can meet someone else to have children with. I’m crying writing this in fact. I actually get so much relief thinking that in 50 years I’ll be dead and won’t have this pain anymore. I remind myself of that often in order to get through tough days.

I do have friends with children. Some were born over the past 20 years. I’m still friends with them because they are the ones that understood when I was struggling. They didn’t force me to hold their babies and attend baby showers. I’m actually generally ok with older children. It doesn’t have the same hurt. I have 6 nieces and nephews who I see and enjoy spending time with. But again I wasn’t ever told by any of their parents I needed to stop being ridiculous.

For whatever reason some people cope well with certain things better than others. I never coped well with my miscarriages. But I coped damn well when my parents died and I dealt with things and supported siblings who did not cope well. I didn’t tell them to stop being stupid and that losing parents was natural so get over it etc.

Bless you. I read your post and it really touched me. My husband and I are currently going through fertility treatment. I’m so sorry for your experience. I think what I’ve learned is that some people simply don’t understand childlessness. They just don’t get it whatsoever. It’s an active form of grief. You’re grieving a future you want/wanted, and it shifts your identity. It’s wild that in 2026, people are yet to grasp this. It needs much better awareness. Thank you for sharing your story, and much love to you 🧡x

Chloujo · 15/06/2026 12:22

Clearly I'm in the minority but I don't think she's being a good friend to you. I struggled with infertility for 7 years and still showed up for my friends and family who had babies. You can be sad for yourself while being supportive to your loved ones.

Thankfully I did have a baby myself and I'm so glad I didn't ditch my friends when they first had their babies or made them feel uncomfortable or act like their baby didn't exist for my own comfort. I bet if she got pregnant she'd expect support from you while ignoring that she wasn't there when it was your turn.

OurChristmasMiracle · 15/06/2026 12:34

It sounds like your friend is not only grieving for the baby she lost (everyone grieves differently- I lost 3 and grieved each one differently) as she’s also single she may be looking the her “clock” ticking and coming to a realisation that she may never be a mum- that is very painful and she may well be processing that. It may also be that it’s around her due date/the date of the loss. She’s been honest with you about her feelings so please don’t push her.

ArtfullyDistressed · 15/06/2026 12:50

Chloujo · 15/06/2026 12:22

Clearly I'm in the minority but I don't think she's being a good friend to you. I struggled with infertility for 7 years and still showed up for my friends and family who had babies. You can be sad for yourself while being supportive to your loved ones.

Thankfully I did have a baby myself and I'm so glad I didn't ditch my friends when they first had their babies or made them feel uncomfortable or act like their baby didn't exist for my own comfort. I bet if she got pregnant she'd expect support from you while ignoring that she wasn't there when it was your turn.

Except she hasn't 'ditched her friend', she's simply not seen her in the seven weeks since she gave birth. Hardly a dumping offence.

You made your choice to override your own feelings to 'show up for your friends'. Other people may choose not to.

DelphinoPlaza · 15/06/2026 13:09

Chloujo · 15/06/2026 12:22

Clearly I'm in the minority but I don't think she's being a good friend to you. I struggled with infertility for 7 years and still showed up for my friends and family who had babies. You can be sad for yourself while being supportive to your loved ones.

Thankfully I did have a baby myself and I'm so glad I didn't ditch my friends when they first had their babies or made them feel uncomfortable or act like their baby didn't exist for my own comfort. I bet if she got pregnant she'd expect support from you while ignoring that she wasn't there when it was your turn.

But what kind of way is that to think about a friend?

Ultimately if you’re pregnant and have a baby, you got what you want. They don’t, and possibly never will. Pretty sure people have gotten really depressed and worse, not everyone can live with that.

My only concern in this situation would be my friend becoming isolated.

As a pregnant woman or new mum, seek support elsewhere! It is unbelievably selfish to insist that a woman going through such grief and disappointment rallies around a new baby. Ask someone else!

feelingalittlehorse · 15/06/2026 13:22

OP, the way you speak about your friend is diminishing and disrespectful. You are acting like you are some superior being due to you managing loss differently to her. It’s not a competition.

You don’t tell her anything. You don’t navigate anything. You just enjoy your baby, and if she shows up - good for her; if she doesn’t, seek support at this stage from elsewhere.

LordofMisrule1 · 15/06/2026 13:24

5foot5 · 15/06/2026 10:53

Just came on to say that I had never heard the phrase "rainbow baby" before so I went away and googled it. I think that is such a lovely phrase. Congratulations ❤️

I have been lucky enough to have one child, and I am so incredibly grateful to have had him. I wanted a second but it wasn't to be for various reasons. After going through it and the final decision that it wouldn't be on the cards we adopted a kitten. I call him my rainbow cat!

I meant it in the way that him coming into my life after the heartache of not being able to have a second felt like the rain clearing and a rainbow coming out.

BiteSizeByzantine · 15/06/2026 13:25

PeanutTomo13 · 15/06/2026 08:57

For context, I welcomed my rainbow baby in April after 3 pregnancy loses back to back (2 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy). My friend, who I thought I was very close with still hasn’t met my son. I finally gathered up the courage to ask her why she was avoiding me and she disclosed to me she had a miscarriage 5/6 years ago and that she wants a baby but is struggling with it (she isn’t in a relationship so not actively trying) hence why she hasn’t met my son yet, he’s 7 weeks old. It doesn’t look like she will be anytime soon.

How do I navigate this? I have been in her very shoes multiple times and I was always able to separate my own sadness and my happiness for others, in my head those two feelings can coexist together, despite sometimes it can be hard.

Any advice welcome

Be understanding.

LordofMisrule1 · 15/06/2026 13:25

In all life situations, when you've got two people who want the same thing and the first one gets it and the second hasn't yet, it behooves the person with good fortune to be the bigger person and try understand and respect their friend's needs and pain.

I've been in OP's friends shoes desperately wanting a baby but not even being able to try due to being single after a relationship ended as he didn't want kids any time soon. It's absolutely excruciating. It feels so far away and impossible.

It's a bit like a staircase, when you're single and want a child you're at the bottom. If you meet someone and date you're one step up. If you get serious it's another step up. If you manage to get things stable enough to realistically try, it's another step up. If you're lucky enough to be able to actually TTC, that's another step up. The next step up is being able to have a baby. Being at the bottom is very, very different to being near the top, as painful as that is in many ways too.

SweeetFannyAdams · 15/06/2026 13:28

PeanutTomo13 · 15/06/2026 09:03

New here and trying to navigate this website, I think I removed my other post! 🤔

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Well then I'll copy and paste my reply...

"You don't 'navigate' it, you accept it.

You're two different women who handle feelings and emotions differently.

She'll meet your baby in her own time."

Hankunamatata · 15/06/2026 13:29

Thing is that she isnt in a relationship. She has no hope of a baby at the moment.
Sometimes people just cant put on a brave face

Justanopinionnothingmore · 15/06/2026 13:29

I'm so sorry for your losses and very pleased for you that you now have your baby. I think it's a wonderful thing.

However I've also been where your friend has and I know you have. But watching everyone around me have their happy ever after, has broken something inside of me.

I will never have a baby with my partner after decisions he has made so I need to find the strength and break away. And we did try for a while and it never happened for me. I saw people around me having baby after baby and celebrating on Facebook. Never felt so inferior or shite. I came off social media for a long time as comparison is thief of joy. Strangely enough I found them being pregnant more hard than when the baby arrived. I still did the baby showers and things but then people ask you uncomfortable questions.

When are you having kids? Type shit.

I once had an ex school friend message me out of the blue on Facebook when was I was having kids... like wtf is that even normal to message someone? I should have told her to mind her own business but instead I thought I'd shut her up with sometimes people have trouble trying. And she shut the fuck up straight away.

Everyone does things in their own time and grieves in their own way. Your friend has been honest with you. I know it might seem hurtful but surely you can have a friendship without the involvement of your child? Maybe you can meet up and see your friend when your child is a bit older and can stay with dad or a relative if you're single.

I never ever thought my life would end up like this...

Peonies12 · 15/06/2026 13:30

Kindly you are not in the same shoes. You have your baby. She isn’t even in a position to TTC. Be a bit sensitive. Your baby is only important to you; I never expected anyone else to want to meet my baby.

MrsShawnHatosy · 15/06/2026 13:54

Chloujo · 15/06/2026 12:22

Clearly I'm in the minority but I don't think she's being a good friend to you. I struggled with infertility for 7 years and still showed up for my friends and family who had babies. You can be sad for yourself while being supportive to your loved ones.

Thankfully I did have a baby myself and I'm so glad I didn't ditch my friends when they first had their babies or made them feel uncomfortable or act like their baby didn't exist for my own comfort. I bet if she got pregnant she'd expect support from you while ignoring that she wasn't there when it was your turn.

If you hadn’t ever had your baby do you think you’d have acted the same way?

Chloujo · 15/06/2026 15:05

MrsShawnHatosy · 15/06/2026 13:54

If you hadn’t ever had your baby do you think you’d have acted the same way?

Edited

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I did. I didn't have a baby til years later (last of the group/family to have one). I was starting to accept it wouldn't happen for me.

I would like another but its unlikely to happen now. Doesn't mean I wouldn't be happy for those having another though.

I understand the pangs of jealousy etc but it's my issue and don't want to take it out on my friends.

I'm glad because it would have been so awkward accepting congratulations, visits and gifts if I hadn't done the same for them (if I even still had friends that had not drifted apart after that).

SerenaCat93 · 15/06/2026 16:58

Chloujo · 15/06/2026 15:05

I did. I didn't have a baby til years later (last of the group/family to have one). I was starting to accept it wouldn't happen for me.

I would like another but its unlikely to happen now. Doesn't mean I wouldn't be happy for those having another though.

I understand the pangs of jealousy etc but it's my issue and don't want to take it out on my friends.

I'm glad because it would have been so awkward accepting congratulations, visits and gifts if I hadn't done the same for them (if I even still had friends that had not drifted apart after that).

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I'm glad because it would have been so awkward accepting congratulations, visits and gifts if I hadn't done the same for them (if I even still had friends that had not drifted apart after that).

As someone who has been through infertility and years of IVF hell where I would cry at the sight of a baby or a pregnant woman and couldn't tolerate baby showers etc. I can confirm I still have friends because normal people have empathy for other peoples pain and it's not normal to ditch someone because they are in too much pain to do what you want them to do. I didn't see my sister for months when she was pregnant because she kept warbling on about the miracle of life and it was so insensitive. I went to see my week old nephew, sat in silence for 10 minutes, wouldn't hold him and left in tears. After that she finally understood my pain and never pushed me to visit or play with the baby or the subsequent ones after that. 3 years later my baby was born, she came and visited, held her, gushed over how beautiful she was and said "I'm so glad you got your happy ending, I've been wishing for it for years. Can we go back to normal now? I've missed you" years later were just as close as ever and our children play together when we visit and it's like nothing ever happened. It's a small blip in a lifelong relationship. Same with a few friends, one who had been through infertility herself and said I understand why you don't want to see me. Let me know when you're ready and we didn't talk for months. When I announced my pregnancy she reappeared, full of joy and congratulations and said "Are you ready to pick up where we left off? I missed you!" and that's exactly what we did.

Normal people don't just ditch people they care about for not being able to ignore their own pain. It's totally normal to still have friends left after avoiding painful experiences and only callous people would honestly sit there, full of joy with a babe in arms, feeling truly blessed and ditch a friend in pain for not being able to come and celebrate for them. I've got friends who are still going through their own IVF hell, I have never mentioned my pregnancy or daughter to them unless they asked which was very rare, I know their pain. I don't expect them to just suck it up because I love them. I want them to suffer as little as possible, not crying inside while cooking over my child.