AIBU to feel hurt that my friend is avoiding meeting my baby?

[PeanutTomo13]

For context, I welcomed my rainbow baby in April after 3 pregnancy loses back to back (2 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy). My friend, who I thought I was very close with still hasn’t met my son. I finally gathered up the courage to ask her why she was avoiding me and she disclosed to me she had a miscarriage 5/6 years ago and that she wants a baby but is struggling with it (she isn’t in a relationship so not actively trying) hence why she hasn’t met my son yet, he’s 7 weeks old. It doesn’t look like she will be anytime soon.

How do I navigate this? I have been in her very shoes multiple times and I was always able to separate my own sadness and my happiness for others, in my head those two feelings can coexist together, despite sometimes it can be hard.

Any advice welcome

'it was awful and empty, horrendous but I did it and shown up and now reading these comments I’m questioning why I put myself through something so difficult when actually, I didn’t have to… I’m not sure how to articulate this correctly but I didn’t realise that I could have distanced myself and avoided it and it would have been OK.'

I think that's a very good and important question to ask yourself OP. What an utterly horrendous thing to put yourself through - no judgement, I've done things for others that were very unhealthy for myself plenty of times

It's is INCREDIBLY difficult to share your grief about someone else's happy news - we just don't do it, and there is so much shame around it. It took guts for you to ask your friend why she was keeping her distance, and it took guts for her to tell you why. You really need to give her space - she can't be a cheerleader for you at the moment, and maybe not ever. It's just too bloody painful

Huge congratulations on welcoming your rainbow baby ❤️

Have to say I understand your friends feelings. While you were able to separate your emotions from the situation in the past, she may not have the same ability plus she isn't trying now so can't have the attitude of 'oh, hopefully this will be me in a year'. She's still clearly grieving the baby she's lost and I honestly don't know what to advice 😔 Maybe just acknowledge her feelings and give her time, she'll be ready.
I have a feeling that holding your baby may heal her soul a little but it's probably just the thought of coming to your house and seeing the baby for the first time.
I hope your friendship survives this.

I think that’s a consequence of the “always push through” attitude that can be very prevalent on here but means people sometimes don’t even consider their own needs. I’m sorry you weren’t able to look after yourself in that situation and hope your new insight will help you support your friend to do what she needs to.

I had my first loss at 27 years old. A friend of mine at the time got pregnant almost straight after my loss. I tried to explain that I was struggling and worried but I can still hear her words in reply almost 20 years later: “just because you’ve had one loss doesn’t mean you won’t ever have a baby so stop being so ridiculous and dramatic. If you expect me to be your friend when you get pregnant and have a baby then you need to be my friend now.” She then also went and told all our mutual friends how ridiculous I was. I ended up blocking her and I’ve actually never seen her since. I drifted from most other friends as well over the years as they all went on to have children and naturally preferred to spend time with other parents. I however went on to have repeated miscarriages over the next 15 years with multiple IVF rounds thrown in eating away tens of thousands of pounds. So her words still ring in my head. That I was ridiculous and that of COURSE I would go on to have a baby later. I did not. And obviously now will not.
Does it get easier? For me in all honesty? Not yet. I avoid babies. I avoid pregnant people. I can’t avoid them all and course I’ve become a master of faking it and smiling at the time! I still cry. I often think about divorcing my husband so he can meet someone else to have children with. I’m crying writing this in fact. I actually get so much relief thinking that in 50 years I’ll be dead and won’t have this pain anymore. I remind myself of that often in order to get through tough days.

I do have friends with children. Some were born over the past 20 years. I’m still friends with them because they are the ones that understood when I was struggling. They didn’t force me to hold their babies and attend baby showers. I’m actually generally ok with older children. It doesn’t have the same hurt. I have 6 nieces and nephews who I see and enjoy spending time with. But again I wasn’t ever told by any of their parents I needed to stop being ridiculous.

For whatever reason some people cope well with certain things better than others. I never coped well with my miscarriages. But I coped damn well when my parents died and I dealt with things and supported siblings who did not cope well. I didn’t tell them to stop being stupid and that losing parents was natural so get over it etc.

Well, yes, exactly. You chose to put yourself through something needlessly difficult. She’s choosing not to. Why not honour that?

💐

You didn't have to do that. Hopefully you will never have to be in that situation again.

Maybe your friend did similar things previously and has now realised she needs to look after herself?

But let your friend deal with her loss and ongoing feelings around maybe never becoming a mum in her own way.

I had similar difficulties around newborns, but could cope with older babies. Hopefully you will get together at some point soon.

What made you think you had to do that OP? Honestly? Did you think anyone would judge or think less of you for bowing out of baby related social stuff while miscarrying? What made you think that?

@Marloo I'm so sorry to hear about your experience and so sorry your friend was so cruel to you.

Wow that’s tough@Marloo

I think for most people, we feel only a fraction of that, but it stays with you. The empathy of being on that side. How tough it can be just to go outside and see triggers everywhere. I hope you have good news soon.

Advice? If you value her as a friend, stop being an insensitive twat and give her the time and space to deal with her own emotions in her own time.

Also when you have a baby your friendships change naturally and you do often lose single childless friends because they aren't interested in baby talk as it's rather boring and tedious if you don't have kids of your own. The relationship may or may not survive regardless.

Why does it matter if she has met your baby? Honestly seeing someone else's baby is interesting for about a minute. She's your friend - have you made any attempt at all to meet up just the two of you?

I think as it was my 3rd loss which was only 3 months after going through the treatment for my ectopic, which felt like a lifetime worth of appointments and scans (we were incredibly lucky it was caught early enough and was able to be treated with methotrexate) I was personally getting sick of the doom and gloom, can’t imagine how it must have felt for everybody else, when you’ve had multiple it does get to a point where you just, sadly, get on with it. Or you feel like you have to anyway.

You do realise that, your expectation of everyone else in similar circumstances to torture themselves really isn't ok, don't you?

It's ok to not do this.

@Marloo

I am so sorry to hear about your experiences and so sorry your 'friend' was so awful.

Op let your friend deal with this in her own way.

Congratulations on your baby.

I had infertility, and secondary infertility. I did manage to have a baby via IUI (now 21) and I adopted aged 49. There is hope but everyone's story is different abd we need to allow everyone to live it in their own way.

i too did all the regular day to day things and met friends with children when i was just out of hospital after losing mine. it was an early loss so nobody knew. i separated my feelings and buried them in public and was able to cry later alone.

not everyone can do that. and that’s ok.

i used to think i was incredibly strong and others were weak but actually after years of counselling was needed to process a bunch of stuff, i thought it’d be better to be honest with my feelings at the time and not bottle them up. I wondered if maybe i was the weak one, obsessed with Doing My Duty for others as a good friend/daughter etc and not facing my feelings. who knows.

id tell your friend that youre still there for her and in a few weeks can we do coffee and cake with NO baby talk at all as though it was like it was before and i didnt have a baby at all, i won’t mention dc. If you can handle that. you cant promise and then break your promise and talk about your baby.

If not i’d put the friendship on the back burner and make new mum friends. Sometimes you keep them for life even once dc are grown and are away to uni!!

Re getting comfort from other people’s babies, if you’ve been trying for a couple years then yes they can make you feel it will be your turn soon, but if you’ve been trying for many years they can be just a reminder of your own failure.

A baby is not that interesting i never expecting anyone to meet my baby i just met up with people or they visited me or us not our baby like i did when pur baby wasn't around in the first place

Agree. I’m gonna say it but I think when people become parents, they can become quite self absorbed….

Oh my god. What an awful awful person your friend was. I’m sorry for what you have been through. I didn’t go on to have a baby either. 💐💐

Some people can compartmentalise situations and separate their grief from others happiness. I am one of those people. But that isn't a boast because I recognise it can make it appear that I lack empathy for others situations. I am autistic though, and it is just how my brain works.

I also think it can be a trauma response and I do think it is in your case actually.

You were going through something quite traumatic both emotionally and physically and your brain protected you from possibly criticism from others for not showing up, from yourself and thoughts that might have been formed in your upbringing (stiff upper lip upbringing). Possibly even a natural fight, flight, freeze or fawn response. Fawning so that the attention isn't on what's going wrong for you and putting the attention on others.

I think it's ok for you to feel sad that your friend hasn't come to meet your baby. You had an idea of a close relationship and the reality is different.

It's also OK to feel sad for your friend, who I'm sure also wanted the same thing, but just can't because of her circumstances. I think if you want to remain close friends with her, you should text her and let her know you understand and don't want to force things before she is ready but you'll be there for her when she is. It keeps the door open for her and let's her know she isn't alone as it can be quite an isolating position to be in.

Congratulations, OP. But I’m sure you know, better than anyone else, why it’s so difficult for her at the moment.

Please don’t put her in the difficult position of having to meet your baby and show enthusiasm for you when she’s struggling with infertility.

if you’re a good friend, you’ll respect her pain and avoid talking about your baby too much. She will find it difficult to hear it and you know why.

Everyone grieves and deals with things differently.

You can’t take offence that she hasn’t wanted to meet your baby, you just need to make it very clear that you understand and you’re there for her whenever she needs you.

I have recently had a baby and a family member recently had a miscarriage. She didn’t even make eye contact with the baby when she was finally in the same room as him and I hold no bad feelings at all. I can’t control how she feels or how long it will take her to feel more comfortable with addressing him but it will happen when it happens.

OP without reading TFT it is hard to say anything, but there are multiple very valid reasons why she is avoiding. It says a lot (nice way) about you, you noticed.

And friends were visiting me, not the baby!

I think your friend has given you a perfectly reasonable explanation, which I would respect and let her lead.