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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lending money to family

105 replies

CatMakesFive · 15/06/2026 07:38

Would you lend money to a family member in these circumstances?

I’ve been asked by my cousin to lend her £2.5k for rent arrears. Her landlord has tried to work with her by setting up a payment plan apparently but it’s not worked out and they are now ready to start the eviction process unless she clears the debt. It sounds like it’s been dragging on for almost a year with her paying some, then not, but she’s being quite vague about the timings.

She works full time, has children but gets no financial help from their dad. I don’t know where she would live if she’s evicted. What would happen?

I can easily afford it but I don’t think I’ll get it back, at least not all of it. She says she could pay me £200 per month back but based on what’s happened with non payment to her landlord, I doubt that. I could afford to write it off if she doesn’t pay so that’s not the problem. I wish she hadn’t asked. I feel selfish as it’s not an amount that would be a problem to me but I’ve always had the mindset of not lending money to anyone as it causes issues and a big part of me feels she needs to sort this out herself.

Would you lend her the money?

YABU - Yes

YANBU - No

OP posts:

HebeJeeby · 15/06/2026 07:53

It’s up to you because this would be a gift not a loan. If she can pay you £200 a month then why did she not to that with her landlord? Why does she not offer that now to her landlord and stave off eviction and the damage that will do to her credit rating, housing references etc…? I think it’s because she hasn’t got the money and/or is not going to pay you back either.

ACynicalDad · 15/06/2026 07:54

Maybe offer a grand as a gift rather than anything as a loan? I’d not a nice position to be put in.

eekididitagain · 15/06/2026 07:55

I find the lending of money and expecting and waiting to get it back too stressful and so I don’t do it anymore.

However, I will gift money when I want to. I’m then happy to give it and I don’t expect it back.

You mention you can afford it, you mention you could write-it-off, so I think for your own sanity decide whether you would like to gift it.

If you gift it, tell her that it’s a one-off gift to help her get back on her feet but you can’t afford any further gifts later on down the line, so please never ask again.

ItWasInKensington · 15/06/2026 07:57

ALovelyPinkUnicorn · 15/06/2026 07:59

Does she want it to her, or direct to landlord? It it’s set up as a standing order does that mean she can’t cancel it?

Meadowfinch · 15/06/2026 07:59

No. You won't get it back and it doesn't solve the problem that she can't manage her finances. Her landlord has been more than accommodating. Either she is irresponsible or she needs to claim more benefits/CMS.

I'd want to see her monthly budget & her credit report, insist that she put in a CmS claim on her dcs dad, and only then I might help her.

Otherwise you are just chucking good money after bad.

123teenagerfood · 15/06/2026 08:00

You could pay the landlord directly to ensure the debt is cleared and she is not evicted? I would be weary of giving her the money. Just give it as a gift, stipulating there will be no more help.

Ellie1015 · 15/06/2026 08:02

I would give her the money if I am close to her and can afford to lose it. And hopefully to avoid having to help if they are made homeless.

I would ask for smaller repayment eg £50 per month as more achievable and hopefully get it back.

DilemmaDelilah · 15/06/2026 08:04

I had a very close family member who was going to lose their house and who asked me if I could lend them quite a lot of money. I had had an inheritance fairly recently and could afford to lend it out of savings, however I was definitely going to need it back. I did lend it to her, but in return she gave me a valuable piece of jewellery that was worth the cost of the loan. It was a family piece and she didn't want to have to sell it. She knew that if she did not repay me I would sell it if I needed the money.

Is there any way that your cousin could do the same for you? Not with jewellery necessarily - but does she have anything of value she would be able to give you in exchange, on the understanding that if she doesn't pay you back she won't get it back?

I do think it's unlikely you will get your money back - if she hasn't been able to pay her rent so far how is she going to be able to pay it PLUS £200 per month to you?

Trumptontown · 15/06/2026 08:04

No. She’s dishonest to claim she’ll pay you back when she can’t even pay her own landlord.

Callalilly2016 · 15/06/2026 08:04

The question I would want to answer is will it actually help? If she can’t afford the rent is she going to be in the same position again in a couple of months? She may need to look for cheaper, alternative housing. She should seek advice. She may be entitled to emergency social housing if she is evicted. Giving her money now won’t solve the fundamental problem of affordability. If there is a one off reason why she got behind I might be inclined to consider gifting it to her but I would be clear it was a one off and never to ask again as the answer would be no. You also can’t have her think you will act as safety net going forward as an ongoing commitment.

SparklyGlitterballs · 15/06/2026 08:05

If this LL has had issues getting the rent then there's a good chance they'll evict anyway, to prevent future problems. If you're willing to provide the money (and potentially lose it) then I'd try and find out if you can pay direct to the LL and whether they'll halt the eviction process. If they're going to proceed regardless then I wouldn't 'lend' the money.

ThejoyofNC · 15/06/2026 08:05

No I wouldn't lend it to her. Do it once and she'll keep coming back.

em2026 · 15/06/2026 08:05

Tbh, I wouldn’t. Even if I could afford it.
As said above, why wasn’t this £200 paid to the landlord every month if that’s what she can afford?
Also, what happens next time after you’ve given her that money when she then gets into debt again, she’ll probably think you’ll bail her out again.
You give people an inch and they take a mile unfortunately. I also wouldn’t make it known I could afford to ‘gift’ this to her either imo.
if she gets evicted with children I’m sure the council will step in and help, so I wouldn’t worry to much. She needs to seek financial help with a debt company x

EmeraldShamrock000 · 15/06/2026 08:07

I would give a close family member the money in this situation. A loan repayment of 200 monthly is too high. She’s in a desperate position when the cost of living is so high.
How much is her rent monthly? Are the arrears made up of shortfalls over the year? If I had it to spare I’d give her the arm up.
I am not suggesting that you do it. I would in this situation, homeless accommodation is traumatic for children.

MrsMoastyToasty · 15/06/2026 08:11

No I wouldn't. However I would offer to hold her hand if she speaks to a debt advisor at Citizens Advice.

OctaviaLemon · 15/06/2026 08:18

You will not see that money again. So either offer it as a gift or do not offer it.

Having been in a similar situation, I would insist on total openess from her re her financial situation. Incomings and outgoings. If you were in her shoes could you repay? Perhaps she is spending £100 a month on cappucinos and croissants on the way to work? £100 a month on entertainment? Perhaps she just cannot afford this property on her income. You might be able to help her with this - or signpost her to a debt management service. There may be benefits she can access. Or they may be able to help her pput more pressure on the childrens father to support his children.

If she is not open about her finances then I would be wary. I had a relative who consistently cadged money from family and friends despite having an income they could live on relatively easily.

Eviction proceedings are likely to take time now the Renters Reform Act is in place. Does she live in an area where she might be able to access social housing? Or would she be in temporary accommodation?

Koala17 · 15/06/2026 08:21

Whenever I’ve given money to a close friend I always say “pay me back when you are in a position to do so” and I never mention it again.

As you might guess, the outcome varies immensely however I think it works for both parties. The recipient retains a sense of pride as they consider it a loan rather than a hand out and as I never mention ruin it again, it rarely impacts our friendship.

It also has the added benefit of restricting requests to times of genuine need as perpetual gift giving can sometimes be difficult to stop and can make things very awkward for the donor.

Bananadramatic · 15/06/2026 08:23

If I could afford it, I would gift it and make clear it is a one-off (and stick to it).

Otherwise, I would simply say I was unable to and not give a reason (as it is none of her business). I have seen too many relationships ruined by lending money that is never paid back.

Bjorkdidit · 15/06/2026 08:37

Agree with PPs saying that this might solve the current issue but what about in future?

She either does not have enough income to pay her basic expenses or she's spending on things less important than her rent.

If it's the former, she's still going to struggle unless she either increases her income, eg by getting child support and/or benefits, or earning more. Has she exhausted all these? Or she needs to reduce her expenses so her budget balances - can she move somewhere cheaper? What about things like food, broadband, subscriptions, phones etc? Could she spend less so she can afford her rent?

Or if she's spending on non essentials, she needs to manage her money more responsibly and pay for essentials, repay you, and put money aside for annual and irregular expenses before she spends on things she could do without.

Perhaps offer to go through her budget with her or point her towards help before you lend her this money?

LongDarkTeatime · 15/06/2026 08:40

If you can afford it (as you suggest you can), gift it.
It sounds like you don’t know what led to this arrears, so don’t make assumptions. It could have been anything, eg major car repair or just current cost of living. Maybe find out a bit more. It would be lovely to think of this single-mum having family there to support her (my mum had no one).

DirtyGertiefromno30 · 15/06/2026 08:44

No l wouldn't because everything she buys that is tat, unnecessary and a waste of your money would really piss me off . If she drinks or vapes and wastes money on takeaways or eating out then that would piss me off too. If she gambles, bought food without caring for the price of it then that would piss me off too . If she was trying her best to get by then l would help. Trouble is she's just putting off the inevitable , she can't afford to live there and needs to move to somewhere she can afford .

Dearg · 15/06/2026 08:44

Op, the fact that your opening posts says YANBU means No, suggests to me that you are not comfortable with your cousin asking this pretty big favour.

And that is absolutely fine, and how I would feel in your shoes.

You know you are unlikely to be repaid; there’s a chance that the very act of being her benefactor will drive a wedge into your relationship; you have no confidence that this will actually change her behaviour one jot; she will quite likely come back for more.

Personally, I would, as pp suggested, go with her to a debt advisor and work out a plan. If after that, you felt you want to offer a smaller gift as financial triage, then at least you both know where you stand.

Doyoumisswordpaperclip · 15/06/2026 08:49

My dbro asked to borrow £500 for rent. I've given it to him but I don't expect to see it again however I made it clear that I will not do it again. I'm not a piggy bank.

tarheelbaby · 15/06/2026 08:58

You need to know her outgoings for the past few months to try to work out what the bigger issue is. Then you can make a sensible decision about whether to contribute. If you do, I'd insist on paying directly to the LL since the most important thing is staving off her eviction.
I agree with PPs that repayment is definitely not guaranteed so choose your amount based on that and be sure to let her know that this is a one-time event.

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