Uninviting a child who actively hurts your own badly.

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Hey, I’m in a WhatsApp group with 2 other mums. BBs mum sent out invites in Feb for his birthday over the last 2 months, one of the children she originally invited has been seriously biting and hurting her child, black eyes the lot! This child has also done the same to mine since this school year started and he’s known for doing it to others. He’s been accessed a number of times and has no special educational needs.

It does make me wonder what he sees at home. I have seen mum hiding black eyes behind make up, not sure if from child or someone else. However BBs mum has asked in the group would it be acceptable if she uninvited this child as her own son is now exceptionally nervous about him being there and doesn’t want to go to his own birthday party, as he doesn’t want to be hurt again and she’s also sick to the back teeth of it herself. I straight away said yes, of course it’s not about being horrible it’s about protecting your son, just word it as nicely as possible, you can’t have your own child getting upset like he has been and crying not wanting to go to his own birthday party, he should be looking forward to it. Our other friend in the group said you can’t uninvite children at all and that we are both out of order.

It is worth noting it’s every time this child gets near BBs he will hurt him doesn’t matter about adults being present, he does the same to mine, they’re both just soft and easy targets. My own child has rare bleeding disorder and these continuous attacks have even put my child in hospital, BB has also been in hospital to. Children are aged 5/6.

I feel for the mother of the child hurting others I do, you can tell she’s exhausted, however we know from her telling us herself she basically just gives him whatever he wants when he wants and ignores the schools advice on boundaries constantly, I must admit I do have concerns there is more going on at home but to me it is purely about protecting our own children as they come first.

So am I unreasonable?

Your own child's safety comes before another family's feelings.

If you think there is a dv issue then you have a responsibility to report it to either the school or social services imo.

A 5 year old is giving other children black eyes and putting them in hospital?

It would be unreasonable to have a child who was injuring people at a birthday party

We all have already and been met with, “without proof nothing can be done”. I believe social services have been round and found nothing. My gut is telling me they’ve definitely missed something but all we can do is keep and eye out and keep reporting what we see. It’s tough, they’re quite a well polished, well spoken, highly educated family with enough money to sink a battleship, unfortunately I think because it goes against “what you expect” it’s not being taken seriously enough.

This child should definitely not be at the party and, given your child’s bleeding disorder, I think you should be having urgent conversations with the school about their duty of care towards him particularly if this child has already put him
in hospital!

he’s was 4 when he first another child a black eye. Apparently age doesn’t matter. He can scarily throw a punch exceptionally well, he’ll push/drag children off of high/raised climbing equipment etc quite frankly I’m surprised there hasn’t been broken bones.

Why was the child invited in the first place?

I think the best thing to do would be cancel the party for everyone and arrange another party discreetly without the child in question on another day. Yes, kids talk etc., but the BB's mum can pass it off as a last minute play date etc.
Less humiliating for the mum who appears to be struggling.

Oh trust me I have, I think that’s why he’s now targeting our friend’s son more as our son has been separated from him a lot more over the last 2 months, so he’s taken it out more on someone else.

we’re in for another meeting with the head teacher next week, and I’ve said it’s their last chance to get on top of it otherwise I’ll be getting OFSTED involved.

They were originally “friends” and in BBs mums words she didn’t want to give him a reason not to like her child…

That would result in her loosing a deposit which would be a large sum of money

YANBU, but if this kid has been doing this since September to your kid and others, why did this mum invite him in the first place?

And why did you accept an invitation on behalf of your son when you knew the child who has been biting yours and giving him black eyes/putting him in hospital, was going to be there???

this Needs to stop, you’re both in the right and needs escalating further

Firstly have you and the school mummy mafia reported the family to SS, as you have seen the mum covering up bruises?
Of course everyone needs to ensure their child is safe, but you also all have a duty to that child as you believe the child is living in domestic abusive household.

He shouldn’t have been invited in the first place

Have you not read the previous posts?

I accepted the invite not realising she’d invited him, I was shocked when she said about uninviting him from the party at first and that is when I asked why she had and she replied “she didn’t want to give him a reason not to like her son and they were “friends” back when she sent the invites out” (they weren’t I think she just didn’t want her son getting hurt). I have also stated now that if he is there my boy won’t be going as I just can’t risk it. Should have added that in above.

Well I hope the meeting brings results for all of you, including the aggressive child and his DM who, let’s face it, clearly need help.

So she invited a child that's put yours in hospital, just so he didn't pick on her child?

She doesn't like you or your DS very much, does she?

I must admit I’ve thought the same and have been questioning the friendship a lot shall we say.

Absolutely you can uninvite someone who injures your child.

It is crazy to me that any parent would offer their own child up in order to not hurt the feelings of some fucker else's!

Or, probably more accurately, to avoid an adult having a problem with them.

Easier to kiss your child's bites, scratches and bruises and tell them to Be Kind than to say no to an adult and have them cross with you, I suspect.

Tell yourself you're teaching your child a valuable lesson rather than admit you're chicken shit.

Just don't go then regardless of what happens.

She created the problem, she can sort the problem.

Oh dear I agree it does sound like this family may need help, I would call your local la social services yourself and don't mention just mums bruises but the child's behaviour too. School maybe / are monitoring but just can't tell you. All concerns raised can help build up a picture of what's happening, if a family need support etc. You don't have to give your name it could be annoumous .

I honestly don’t think she thought that much about the other children , more a desperate attempt to stop her child being even more of a target , especially since the school have been useless at dealing with it. Completely deluded, of course , and she has realised that not, but a situation of “desperate times /desperate measures” irrationalness , rather than a targeted fuck you to you and your child.