Flatlining

[DemiVie]

Does anyone else feel like they are flatlining?

I’m 43, married 21 years, two kids aged 7 & 12. Own a modest semi-detached house in a fairly respectable area. Both of us work full time professional jobs. Kids stable, happy. I haven’t been able to progress my career since having kids but I’m ok financially.

Marriage is ok. Nothing toxic. Not much in the way of passion but we’ve been together pretty much half my lifetime. Got with DH when I was 22. So on paper we look like we’re succeeding at “life” but I feel slightly dead inside. I feel like something is missing, I haven’t got much of a spark for anything. I work hard (we both do) but I’m not going anywhere in my career where I am. I’ve just stayed there because it’s steady, pays an ok wage £36,000. DH earns more than me, about £56,000.

I suppose DH and I are good friends who occasionally have sex. But I don’t really feel that we have much of a spark between us these days. Kids are good, doing well at school. Happy in their worlds. But I feel too young to feel a little bit dead inside.

Is this “it” now? I’ve worked my ass off to get here as well - to get this job, to buy this house, to have a stable family and a stable marriage. Which makes me really irritated with myself because after all this time, here I am wondering whether my investments are making me happy.

I give a lot at home, to my kids, to DH. He’s 46. But he is already very stuck in his ways - he is a good friend and companion but he doesn’t seek ways to expand himself or explore the future or what that could look like. I am beginning to feel (in the last year particularly) that I am beginning to want more out of life, and he has slowed down. I feel ready to explore, grow, try new things and think about going to some different places with the family. He’s just not bothered. There’s no passion there from him. He’ll chug along but it’s always me bringing the ideas, the fresh perspectives on things like holidays, meals out.

His conversation is….I hate to say………limited. “What have we got for dinner? Can I have a go on the washing machine?” I can’t remember the last time he attempted to start a discussion about something interesting.

If I suggest a walk he’ll say “You’re going out are you?” I think he finds himself highly amusing when he says this but it gets very wearing after a while.

I don’t know what I’m asking. I suppose is there anyone else out there in a similar boat? I feel too young to want to maintain a mundane status quo for the rest of my life. It is not a satisfying existence TBH.

Hi OP I am in very similar boat. Been with DH for 30 years. It’s just ‘meh’ I do love him and I know he loves me, our DC are older so I’m hoping things either change when they move out or we both have the courage to call it a day. It’s so hard as it’s just so boring. We still have sex. But the conversations are the same, he repeats himself over and over and I’m sure I do things that drive him mad too. We’re just so connected financially plus I don’t want to blow up adult DCs lives when we’re so close to them moving on anyway (5 years max). But having said that I do feel like life is passing me by. I’m not sure what the answer is.

Is this about your relationship or about life? Nothing changes if nothing changes. I don’t think you can expect to do the same thing for 20 years and still expect everything to feel as exciting as it was 20 years ago.

What new exciting things are you doing in your life? I’m a bit different as I have cancer that prevents me from doing a lot of the things I planned in my 40s, but before that, I decided to retrain for a new career after 20 years in the same industry. Got bored and decided that my passions could be better fulfilled doing something new. What about travel or a new hobby? I bought a horse at 40 and got back into riding after 25 years away. I started hiking regularly and I’ve done lots of hiking holidays (without Dh as someone needs to stay home with the dc). I walked a Camino. Dh and I have some projects around the house, gardening and building works we are doing/would like to do.

Obviously, some of these things take money, but you can find things you love that don’t. You have to keep chasing things that give you joy if you don’t want it to be completely boring and static, but that won’t just land in your lap. You have to plan it and go after it. It also gives Dh and I lots to talk about. He has hobbies and interests, currently training for a marathon after getting into running. He travels too. He rehabbed a little camping trailer over the winter and now we go off on camping weekends with the kids. You gotta kinda find your own fun in a way. This definitely isn’t it, unless you want it to be.

I am beginning to feel (in the last year particularly) that I am beginning to want more out of life, and he has slowed down. I feel ready to explore, grow, try new things and think about going to some different places with the family.

I suggest doing that exploring, growing, trying new things, and going different places by yourself.
It does not have to be with the family or as a family, or even as a couple.

Don't suggest to him that he comes to X with you, ask him to mind the children because you are going, either alone or with a friend.

Also, make sure you have lots of time for self-care, time for your beauty routine, some fresh make-up, and some new clothes if the budget will stretch.

There are two outcomes here:
You becoming a more independent person who looks after herself will be attractive to him and the marriage will revive.
Or
The marriage is dying, in which case it is a good strategy to have a life for yourself with your own interests and strong friendships.

Aside from the marriage, you talk about your career flatlining - that is common, particularly now that the economy has frozen up.
Take the long view. Check your pension statements, mortgage statement and savings accounts, work out how many decades or years of work you have left, and make a financial plan and career plan. Do you want to re-train?
That will stop the feeling of just drifting through life.

@StandingDeskDisco

I suggest doing that exploring, growing, trying new things, and going different places by yourself.
It does not have to be with the family or as a family, or even as a couple.
Don't suggest to him that he comes to X with you, ask him to mind the children because you are going, either alone or with a friend.

I mean, yes, in an ideal world that would be great and I’d absolutely love to do that. But in reality, if I tell him I’m going out for a meal or if I need to occasionally stay overnight for work (he knows I travel once a month for meetings at the other side of the county and it’s only once a month for early morning meetings) I get the 9th degree. Sometimes the silent treatment. And/or bolshiness and snappiness. Last month he said “oh you’re going away from me again. Doing your illicit affairs.” This was in my regular work trip (one night.)

If I arrange a meal I get “who are you going with? Blimey your work/friends go out a lot. Where are you going?” And when I come back - “that was a late one for you.” (I’m never later than 11pm and I very rarely go out for a meal. If I try and do anything he scrutinises me and wants to know the ins and outs of everything. He’s only happy if I’m here, at home, playing the good wifey role. I don’t really think he’d take at all kindly to me establishing any kind of identity outside the home/work TBH. It’s hard enough as it is

That's quite a drip from someone dull but OK to someone bordering on the wrong side of abusive. Do you get anything from the relationship at all?

Yes I'm a bit the same. I struggle to get either dh or ds to want to go in holiday. I've never travelled so little in my life. I enjoy my job but that's going no where although that's fine by me.

I suggested a paella class at our local favourite Spanish restaurant and he wasn't interested.

The difference for me though is that I do have a life of my own. I sing in a small ensemble, I hike, go to the gym, go to piano meet ups.

All our pension projections show we're going to die with a significant chunk of money that will be require a significant chunk of iht to be paid. I'm absolutely desperate to spend the money now instead!! Holidays, trips, luxuries, activities etc

Even more reason to do it then, don’t let this man clip your wings. What’s your response to him? ‘Another night in watching telly is it Dave? No mates to go for a beer with?’

He’s only happy if I’m here, at home, playing the good wifey role. I don’t really think he’d take at all kindly to me establishing any kind of identity outside the home/work TBH. It’s hard enough as it is

Then what are you going to do about it - accept the status quo or make some changes

Does he know how unhappy you are - can you go out for a meal and tell him that you're not happy and you want to make more of things

What is stopping you travelling alone?

Booking a flight and seeing another city?

Massive drip feed.
You have a DH problem, not a life problem.
Sort it out!

OP, in your first post you say "marriage is OK. Nothing toxic." But in your update you say he gets bolshy and gives you the silent treatment if you do anything independently ... even work-related stuff. That is toxic. Your marriage is not OK and he is stifling you.

I think more men in long term marriages are like this though than most people admit. I think they have deep-rooted control issues. They want to have it their way or the highway and they hate the thought of the woman developing an identity/independence beyond them. I’ve certainly noticed my DH gets easily jealous/threatened by my desire for more autonomy now that the children are just a bit older. But when I’m at home or just doing daily life things - going to work, being with the kids and him, even if just at home pottering - he’s calm and pleasant. Because he’s not worrying about where I am, who I’m with, etc etc. Not that I go out much! And I’ve never given him reason to doubt me.

I am just feeling very claustrophobic in this last year in my marriage

Your OP paints a completely different picture to your update.
"A bit boring and unadventurous" is something you can tackle.
Nasty, abusive and controlling is a different ball game.

Was he always abusive? If not maybe he can change if he wants to. But if he's always been like this but you've only just realised, I think you're on a hiding to nothing.

In all honesty I think he’s just got used to me being a wife and a mother and not really having much of a life

This is controlling behaviour and not normal, AT ALL.
If it’s only been the last year, you need to nip it in the bud. Now.

But when I’m at home or just doing daily life things - going to work, being with the kids and him, even if just at home pottering - he’s calm and pleasant.

= When you are doing what you're told, he pats you on the head.

Your husband, certainly isn't reflective of my husband!

Together 32 years and I have just come back from a 3 day trip to Madrid!

Well start to make the changes now!

If you genuinely believe it's all innocent and accidental on his part, then tell him straight.
"DH, silent treatment is abusive. XYZ behaviour is controlling. Etc. You need to stop it immediately."
If he says, oh wow I had no idea, I'll stop immediately, and he actually does stop, then it's worth working on.

@ithappenstootherfamilies

But even when I occasionally go overnight once a month for work - not far, just to the other side of the county - he gets bolshy and moody and accuses me of having an affair!!!

Change it. NOW.
Sit him down. Talk about it. Tell him it’s controlling and you won’t tolerate it. If he doesn’t trust you, that’s on him, and he needs to work that out for himself and stop bothering you with it.

I think more men in long term marriages are like this though than most people admit
No, i don't think so. Most people i know who are in long term marriages, particularly with no toddler / very young kids have very active lives OUTSIDE of the other spouse.
The way your husband reacts to you socialising, I've often heard when kids are very young and DH is left to "fend" fir the babies himself of an evening. I've known my own DH to say it and I've barked back at him that I am allowed a night out (dinner, cinema etc) and he's more than capable. If he dreamt of making snotty remarks when our kids were pretty self sufficient he'd be put back on the shelf quickly.

No wonder you feel bored. You are young enough to find a new job that excites you. Yeah you have a good one now, but it isn't so well paid that it isn't irreplaceable and remember you have another 20+ years of work left.

Also, find a hobby or meet up with friends. You might find that if you start to do more for yourself, your DH will also pick something up and then actually gave something to talk about. He's not going to be a great conversationalist if he literally doesn't do anything but work & home.

@BudgetBuster

Honestly I do wish he’d get a fucking life himself. I’m much more of an adventurer at heart than he is. I have probably clipped my own wings whilst I’ve been busy venturing myself at home whilst raising small
children. But it’s a very dangerous trap I feel I’ve fallen into here

Just get a divorce. Your husband is bad, you are good. Get rid and move on. Simple.

You’ve reached a stage where you want more from life, and the first thing to do is have a word with your calm pleasant husband about the undercurrent he’s creating with his comments. Ask if he could stop them, and instead, help cultivate an attitude of trust and enablement.
I have had partners who took ‘cosy’ into ‘confining’ and for me, it resulted in my leaving. I’m sure that’s because I reacted rather than communicated.
You can communicate with him, once you have clarity about what is going on!