Flatlining

[DemiVie]

Does anyone else feel like they are flatlining?

I’m 43, married 21 years, two kids aged 7 & 12. Own a modest semi-detached house in a fairly respectable area. Both of us work full time professional jobs. Kids stable, happy. I haven’t been able to progress my career since having kids but I’m ok financially.

Marriage is ok. Nothing toxic. Not much in the way of passion but we’ve been together pretty much half my lifetime. Got with DH when I was 22. So on paper we look like we’re succeeding at “life” but I feel slightly dead inside. I feel like something is missing, I haven’t got much of a spark for anything. I work hard (we both do) but I’m not going anywhere in my career where I am. I’ve just stayed there because it’s steady, pays an ok wage £36,000. DH earns more than me, about £56,000.

I suppose DH and I are good friends who occasionally have sex. But I don’t really feel that we have much of a spark between us these days. Kids are good, doing well at school. Happy in their worlds. But I feel too young to feel a little bit dead inside.

Is this “it” now? I’ve worked my ass off to get here as well - to get this job, to buy this house, to have a stable family and a stable marriage. Which makes me really irritated with myself because after all this time, here I am wondering whether my investments are making me happy.

I give a lot at home, to my kids, to DH. He’s 46. But he is already very stuck in his ways - he is a good friend and companion but he doesn’t seek ways to expand himself or explore the future or what that could look like. I am beginning to feel (in the last year particularly) that I am beginning to want more out of life, and he has slowed down. I feel ready to explore, grow, try new things and think about going to some different places with the family. He’s just not bothered. There’s no passion there from him. He’ll chug along but it’s always me bringing the ideas, the fresh perspectives on things like holidays, meals out.

His conversation is….I hate to say………limited. “What have we got for dinner? Can I have a go on the washing machine?” I can’t remember the last time he attempted to start a discussion about something interesting.

If I suggest a walk he’ll say “You’re going out are you?” I think he finds himself highly amusing when he says this but it gets very wearing after a while.

I don’t know what I’m asking. I suppose is there anyone else out there in a similar boat? I feel too young to want to maintain a mundane status quo for the rest of my life. It is not a satisfying existence TBH.

@DemiVie it’s not at all normal what he’s doing, he’s emotionally abusing you and saying you’re having an affair?! That’s crazy.

Haven’t got time to post fully now but I just wanted to say that I totally relate to this OP. I’ve tried and tried to get my husband to ‘get a fucking life’ to no avail. He’s got clingier as we’ve aged (early 50s) and I find it absolutely suffocating. He basically just wants to be with me ALL THE TIME. I’m also much more of an adventurer at heart and find his lack of interest in anything other than our immediate village and home soul destroying.

What does "can i have a go on the washing machine?" mean - sounds quite exciting 😃

How old are your kids?

It isn’t normal to react like that, though. Really not. As an example, my emotionally abusive ex used to keep me in with our dc by being out if he knew I had made plans. The current Mr Holdinguptheotherhalf, on the other hand, celebrates me going out or away for a few days and actively relishes the chance to be his own person on his own for a bit. Likewise when he goes away I enjoy having my own space.

My advice would be for you to either decide now that you’re working towards leaving, but quietly, because you have a controlling and coercive man there.

Or decide you’re staying (at least for now) but you’re going to create a life for yourself that fills you with more joy than you’re currently feeling.

What help do you need then?

Sounds to me like hes quite happy living a quiet, slightly mundane, predictable life with you and doesn't want you seeking more excitement, hobbies etc.
I think you need to be honest with yourself and think about the things you would like to do, if you would like to do them with him then suggest them and try and break him out of his comfort zone. If you cant imagine doing them with him you need to leave him and start a new life alone. You can meet a person/people who will share the same interests and want to do the same activities as you.

You feel stagnant. I was going to make some
suggestions after your first post but your subsequent posts tell me you have a DH problem, not a life problem.

Tell him that you're going to start living and he can come along with you, (that's if you actually you want that), or he can continue on the path he's on. Either way, do what you feel like doing. This man has no right to control you and make you feel like you're wrong for wanting to get enjoyment out of your life.

The irony is when we got together all those years ago he was the adventurous one. He would take me out to gigs, had a wide circle of friends. A free spirit which I loved. But that seems to have…….got up and left! He’s acting like he’s much older than in his 40’s. I’ve definitely noticed it more in the last year. I want him to go out with his friends, or get into a sport, or just carve out some regular time at the gym for himself. But he doesn’t seem to have the drive. It’s annoying because I think he’s projecting his frustrations into me. I don’t want this to be the rest of my life FFS

I think new experiences are the key to not getting bored. For us that means going to the theatre, trying new places to eat, planning a holiday somewhere we haven’t been before.

My DH literally never takes the initiative on this stuff but I don’t mind doing it for both of us. It gives us stuff to talk about beyond the kids and chores. A babysitter is also key.

So what are you doing about it?

So what are you going to do to make the changes?

This was me a year ago. I’m now separated and very very happy and excited about the future.

I find this happens a lot in midlife. The woman finds herself again post-kids and the man is ready for a tragic dressing gown and slippers.

I used to get this crap if I had made plans. He on the other hand went to the pub three or four times a week. There is a different life out there you know. It’s fucking marvellous.

OP, he doesn't sound nice at all.

He sounds nasty, abusive and controlling.

No wonder you feel off.

That's your gut telling you something is wrong.

He wants to control you, and when you are not available exactly where he wants you, he abuses you.

Look up the boiled frog analogy, because that is you.

Ring a domestic abuse charity and ask them for their view.

They will confirm that your relationship is controlling.

Can you get some therapy?

I think you would benefit from it.

I think it might help you figure out what you want.

Are you afraid of him and his nastiness?

Because I think if you aren't afraid of him it would be worth sitting down and calmly telling him his behaviour in not acceptable and that you are deeply unhappy.

He needs to know there are consequences to his behaviour.

If he continues like this, you are not going to want to head into retirement with him, thats for sure.

Yup. Unless you want to throw it all in, pack your bags and gamble on the slim chance of finding something better by leaving it all behind, with maybe some small tweaks to make it more tolerable, that is it for now.
You're in the dullest most trying stage of life. Heavy on responsibility, light on autonomy. The needs of others having to take priority over your own dreams and desires. It's routine, loyalty, commitment and steadiness over passion, excitement and adventure.
However the good news is, as your children grow up, it gets better. Little by little you gain the freedom to inject a little more you into your life, and before you know it, you'll be practically a free agent again, ready to steer life into a new direction if you choose, be that career, socially or even relationship, or at least pep up what you have.
In the meantime, focus on the small picture. Take every opportunity to inject fun and pleasure into your day to day to keep the bleaker feeling at bay until you've reached the end of the tunnel.

I wouldnt avoid doing things out of fear your husband will give you the silent treatment. That’s rewarding bad behaviour.

The silent treatment is now well-established as abusive behaviour. I’d be clear that you wont accept it.

If the only reason your partner is not abusive is because you modify your behaviour to avoid him behaving abusively - he is still abusive. Stop modifying behaviour so you can determine what kind of man he truly is.

@5128gapthat is hella depressing

Sorry! It was meant to be an honest acknowledgement that the OP is describing a tough life stage, with some reassurance that it passes. I sense OP hasn't the appetite for big change at present and I thought a cheer up, it's not that bad would be a bit patronising.

No, I mean I guess you are right, most people do seem to hunker down in some degree of unhappiness and I just don’t quite understand it. Changing it is not the easiest thing, but it’s easier than decades of unhappiness until death.

Did you read OP's update?
She is in a controlling abusive relationship.

In you first post you wrote: 'Marriage is ok. Nothing toxic'.

Then you describe controlling abuse in your next post.
Then you try to minimise it by claiming lots of other men are just as bad.

You need to get out.
If you don't want to divorce immediately, you need to sit him down, tell him a few home truths, and make even more of an effort to go out without him, very frequently.
When he complains or comes out with his nasty sarcastic comments, pull him up on it every time: point out what he is doing, that it is controlling and abusive, and that you won't tolerate it.

but his resistance to you having a personality and life isn't your problem.

oh you're going out for your illicit affairs again
yup, sex is so good I only need to see her once a month
what??
ha, if I was going to have an affair I'd hardly pick another man would I, you're enough work thanks.

who you going to dinner with?
same people as last week
will you be late?
probably.
why will you be late and why are you seeing them again and do you fancy the waiter or something?
fun, fun, well he does being me dinner occasionally which is very attractive!

he'll either back off or realise he can't control you.

of course swanning off for weeks here and there needs discussion, but as long as he has OPPORTUNITY to do the same he doesn't get to squash you.

meh. I'm the same age as op with three kids.

why would living on her own Vs with a whining kill joy only bring a skin chance of happiness?

why is your bar at tolerable? my marriage isn't tolerable. I have autonomy. the sex isn't frequent but it's passionate and mutually wanted and mutually enjoyed. I see friends without having to justify why and who and where. I have a full day out twice a year to see a male friend whilst DH has the kids. I have two "girl weekends" a year whilst DH has the kids. He is able to do the same. I went away for a weekend alone for my 40th, hubby's present. and my kids are 5 and 10 so I'm hardly in the easy years. but we love and respect ea h other.

No one should be aiming for tolerable out of a fear of being alone

I’ve got various thoughts:

1. This may well be perimenopause kicking in. Research transdermal HRT and speak to your doctor.
2. What are you doing with girlfriends? Organise some lovely, regular things - for connection and to lift your spirits. A book club, a girls’ weekend away, a meet up in London/ your nearest big city to see an exhibition and have lunch, a trip to the theatre to see something that your husbands might be less interested in (a ballet, a musical). Having strong friendships with lovely women is a sanity saver and takes the emphasis off your husband needing to ‘be all’ to you.
3. Can you farm the kids out for the weekend and plan a city break with your husband? Somewhere interesting and cultural with lots of history and beautiful architecture. Book a walking tour and hear all the stories - it’ll give you something to talk about over lunch/ dinner

The bottom line is life/ marriage is not perfect - but it could be a whole lot worse. The grass is not greener. Find ways to make the best of what you have xx