Should I carry on going to these nights out

[TheAmberSnake]

I like to go to a particular event with a friend that is held every few months. She doesn't want to go anymore, it is not her scene.
We have got to know other people there & I speak to a couple of women who go there on their own. I'm a bit nervous of going on my own in case I feel like a spare part.
But here is my dilemma. We have been welcomed with open arms by a group of men. No ulterior motives from any of them. When I discussed about going on my own they said I could hang around with them. The trouble is a connection is starting to develop with one of them so I don't know whether to go on my own. I really want to carry on going because I love the event; but I'd be lying if I said he wasn't an influence on my decision to go on my own. Nothing can develop from this connection though, & nothing will. He feels it too, we've discussed it last month.
Is it going to look like I'm going so that I can chase him? Will I look like a pain in the ass hanger on, a spare part?
I think I shouldn't go as this is what I'll look like, but life is too short to not go to things you enjoy doing.

no ulterior motives from any of them

Except—there is! You and one of the guys have developed feelings and have discussed it.

It'll be as clear as day there is "something" between you, and if he's married, which I assume he is, it will be putting the rest of the men in an awkward position.

You say there are women who go alone anyway dont you know them? I wouldnt go to hang about with the guys where you have a flirtation going on with one of them.

I imagine that your reason for stating that nothing will come of this connection is because one or both of you is in a relationship.

If your primary motivation is the event itself then just go and do whatever it is that you do.
If you think there is a possibility for things to get messy or complicated, you need to weigh up exactly how much you enjoy the event and if it's worth it.

My primary motivation is the event itself. There is no chance of taking the connection further outside of the event.
But I know that we'll be gravitating towards each other if I do go. How is that going to look to everyone else? I don't think that it will make me look great. He might have form for cheating for all I know.

Don't go, or go, but hang around with the females who go alone.
At least one of the men very much does have ulterior motives.
I presume at least one of you is married. That person is very much wrong for discussing the "connection". If it was him who brought up the matter, he is setting the scene for a no strings affair.
People who have no intentions of having an affair do not discuss "developing connections".
I suspect this plays a part in your friend dropping out. It will be obvious and uncomfortable for her.
She is the obvious person to discuss this situation with. Have you sought her opinion?

You really buried the lede in your OP. Be honest with yourself, this post is really about the guy, not the event, isn’t it?

Is he married? Are you? Talking about developing feelings for each other is already emotional affair territory, so I think you need to tread very very carefully if you truly don’t want anything to happen.

Go and hang about with the women, you obviously fancy this man that is why you are super focused on hanging about with the men/him it is your feelings driving you, most women would just go and do the "thing" with the women they are friendly with.

There are ulterior motives. If you are feeling something isn’t right then it’s not right, what you are feeling is an alarm
bell so listen to that. Good luck.

Are you both single @TheAmberSnake?

If so, nae bother, otherwise...where does your moral compass actually lie?

I don’t think it was a great idea to discuss your feelings!! If you do go, hang out with the women you know. Try to find things that give you the ‘ick’ about this guy (I’m inferring from your OP that you are both in relationships).

Excellent point @Alittlefrustrated I suspect this plays a part in your friend dropping out. It will be obvious and uncomfortable for her.
It was your friends scene enough to go in the first place. I bet she now feels uncomfortable with your "connection" and being made to hang about with these random men especially if she is married herself...

Are you and the guy both single or not? That makes a difference in the answer here

‘No ulterior motives from any of them…….a connection is starting to develop with one of them’

These statements seem inconsistent!

’we'll be gravitating towards each other if I do go’. Why? you have free will.

Sounds like he’s not single - ew.

If you truly mainly enjoy the event, go and avoid him. If he asks why tell him it’s because it was inappropriate of him to speak to you about liking you when he’s in a relationship.

If you’re in a relationship yourself you’ve essentially already cheated (emotionally & in your conversation with him).

Neither of us are single. It hasn't gone outside of the event & it won't; but if I'm honest he is making the event seem more exciting. Even if it doesn't go further I'm just going to look like trash aren't I.

Stop going to the event, stop thinking about what others think of you and focus on your relationship.

You know the answer. You're already behaving inappropriately, how would you feel if your partner was discussing their connection with another person, and gravitating towards them, going to an event because they are excited to see them?

Be honest with yourself - the reason why you want to continue going is to see this man. Neither of you are single - you're playing with fire.

Exactly this.

If you hang out with this guy, you’ll be playing with fire.

Why are you focused on what other people will think? I dont get why its about other people's views and not your own? Do YOU feel it's appropriate to hang out with this group and this man? If so, then fine. Judging by your posts, you dont feel it is appropriate- just own it and act for yourself, not others.

"I'm just going to look like trash aren't I", possibly.

Are you, he or both prepared to end your current relationships for what may just be a passing frisson?

So a friend has brought you in to an event and now you are ‘developing a connection’ with a man there and your friend no longer wants to go. And you and this man have discussed this so called connection.

Yea, going back IS going to look like you are chasing him because you have muddied the waters. You could have gone back without your friend if you hadn’t started developing a connection. Nobody would have thought anything about that at all. But you have so you can go back and people will know that’s why you are going, which you have said yourself is influencing your decision, or you can not go.

What you can’t do is go and nobody will know that you aren’t going to see this man.

You’re mainly worried about what others at the event think about you, due to your behaviour with this man?

Rather than that you’re treating your partner badly and risking your relationship.

Sounds like the people you meet are acquaintances: what they think doesn’t matter. perhaps it’s you who thinks it’s shit behaviour?

Unsurprising that the friend you attended with has dropped out!

You’re saying ‘even if it doesn’t go further’ as if it going further is an option you’re considering?

I used the wrong word there. Should have said something like "despite the fact it won't go further"

Well if your primary motivation is the event then you could just go and not gravitate towards him. Or are you both magnetic?