Should I carry on going to these nights out

[TheAmberSnake]

I like to go to a particular event with a friend that is held every few months. She doesn't want to go anymore, it is not her scene.
We have got to know other people there & I speak to a couple of women who go there on their own. I'm a bit nervous of going on my own in case I feel like a spare part.
But here is my dilemma. We have been welcomed with open arms by a group of men. No ulterior motives from any of them. When I discussed about going on my own they said I could hang around with them. The trouble is a connection is starting to develop with one of them so I don't know whether to go on my own. I really want to carry on going because I love the event; but I'd be lying if I said he wasn't an influence on my decision to go on my own. Nothing can develop from this connection though, & nothing will. He feels it too, we've discussed it last month.
Is it going to look like I'm going so that I can chase him? Will I look like a pain in the ass hanger on, a spare part?
I think I shouldn't go as this is what I'll look like, but life is too short to not go to things you enjoy doing.

"despite the fact it won't go further"

You say that now @TheAmberSnake because intellectually you may feel it's just a bit of "harmless" fun which you have under control but.....you must know you are playing with fire.

Be careful, how much do you and he have to lose?

As grown ups, surely you can stop yourselves 'gravitating' towards each other? That word implies some unseen force of planetary proportions, absolving you of any responsibility

You're adults. Either go, and keep a sensible distance, or don't go. You're creating this Romeo & Juliet farce whereby you won't be able to not be too near him, and everyone will notice yadda yadda. You're not star-crossed lovers.

I don't understand how you're going to look trashy unless anyone at the event knows you and the guy have a "connection". And they're only going to know if you are behaving inappropriatly.

The way to stop looking trashy is to stop being trashy. Being trashy includes telling men you're not in a relationship with who are in another relationship about your "connection".

I think you need to give us some clue about what this event is so we can see how likely it is you can avoid this guy.

(Reveals it's a swingers night.)

Stop caring about how you look to others and switch on your own values and morals and work out how to act in alignment with them.

event aside, my hunch is that you should focus on repair of your current relationship if you live your partner, or making a kind dignified exit if you don’t feel happy with them

He feels it too, we've discussed it last month.

Woah... I mean, the way you're telling this story says a lot about how you're kidding yourself. It's not just about how this looks and it's all about ulterior motives. You and this guy have a connection, you've discussed it, the last thing people say after 'nothing will happen' is 'oops something happened'. Now is your chance to stop going and stay faithful. Otherwise you'll both cheat, whether emotionally or physically. A line has already been crossed by discussing it and now this agonising and not being fully honest with yourself doesn't bode well. So no, in these circumstances, you shouldn't carry on going to these nights out and hanging out with the guy you fancy who fancies you and feeding the connection.

What about the other women that go alone? My natural reaction would’ve been to go along with them rather than tagging on to a group of men who go together?!

Telling slip though isn't it. Stop kidding yourself. If you genuinely don't want it to go further, you wouldn't go back.

Do you want to stay in your relationship? If so then stop going!

If you found out your partner had started a hobby, met a woman there he was drawn to, spoken to her about them having feelings for each other and he knew he’d gravitate towards her but wanted to continue going to the hobby… would you feel he was a good partner to you or that he was being selfish and inappropriate? Would you feel he had your back? Would you feel he was prioritising your relationship or the thrill of a stranger fancying him?

You are kidding yourself. You’ve actually TALKED to this man about your connection and agreed you both feel it. It’s ALREADY over-stepped if either of you are in a relationship.

If you want be unfaithful, carry on.
If you want to protect your relationship, give up the activity and stop lying to yourself.

There's no harm in going back by yourself to see if you still enjoy it without your friend. That's what I would do. Going out by yourself is a great way to make new friends.

I think you are overthinking the rest.

This is a good point. Why not tell your partner the whole story and see if they think you should keep going or not? Seeing as you're sure nothing will happen...

I am always one who firmly believes that men and women can be friends. I have male friends and I would be quite happy to attend an event as friends but I have never had a discussion with any of them about developing feelings or connections. That is definitely overstepping

Enjoy your affair…and the fallout. Hopefully your children find the two houses prospect to be exciting.

for tips on how to make this the perfect cliche, just look up the script and it’ll tell you exactly what to do and say to your husband when he finds out

Why are you both admitting 'a connection' with each other when you have partners? Are you married?

Agree completely with this.

If it was the other way around would you honestly say to your partner, “yeah no problem, you keep going” or would you be making a thread about how your do is emotionally cheating and you’re worried it’ll turn to more as he won’t break contact?

Your friend is a wise one.

She's aware of the nonsense going on with you and other man and given neither of you are single, she's decided she wants no part on it.

Give your head a wobbble and stop disrespecting your partner.

You do know, that is what EVERYONE says before they go further. You are playing with fire but it’s your life. All the very best x x

FGS.
This is possibly going to end up as 'It just happened between us' situations.
I'd stop going, if you really loved your p/h you wouldn't be gravitating [wta is that about?] towards anyone else. You're just flattered and the guy might be sniffing around for a likely 'victim' for a quick shag.

exactly.
You do have free will OP! You aren't a fridge magnet.

Either go, and spend some time alone/with the other women and just say hi briefly to the group of guys

Or if you can't trust yourself to do this, don't go.
Maybe miss the events for a month or two to see if the "connection" dies down and give him time to target to someone else

I'm not going to go back. He's married with children, I'm not. I do have a partner & no children though. I should have refused that first drink he bought me & the long chats that followed before it started getting out of hand.

Correct. Good decision.

Are you not able to control yourself?