To think people treat you differently when you’re thin?

[definitelybothered]

A few years ago I lost a lot of weight. At my lightest I was 7 stone - it probably went too far and wasn’t sustainable as I gained most of it back again.

But what I noticed was how differently I was treated by others. Colleagues and strangers seemed to be more considerate - people at work changed towards me and didn’t seem to want to offend or upset me. People in public seemed more polite and courteous. But when I gained weight it’s gone back to how it was before. Has anyone else experienced something like this?

It’s because slim people are more attractive and people like attractive people more.

I’ve noticed that people dislike big sized people, like they resent how much space they take up, as if it’s inherently impolite to be bigger. I actually think people dislike bigger cars too.

Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sons, so it's deeply rooted in our culture.

Not sure I agree with you on the car thing - cars have never been bigger and big cars have never been more popular.

Not because someone is thin but because someone who is thin is more likely to be comfortable in their own skin and confident. It’s essentially personality.

If a fat person is friendly, outgoing, confident and happy with themselves, will also elicit a positive response from the person they’re talking to.

The first part of your statement reveals your biases. People really need to get over the idea that all overweight people are sad, unhappy and lacking in confidence.

As for the second part - you realise that some of the “better treatment” we’re talking about involves walking into a shop and getting vastly improved customer service from the moment you walk in (where they haven’t yet had the benefit of my delightful personality).

I really wish people would stop saying “poor treatment of fat people is all in your heads/down to your own insecurities” It’s not true.

My experience of walking into a shop/bar/restaurant/business size 18 is noticeably different than walking in size 8. And my personality is nothing to do with it.

Although… just thinking through, say, female FTSE100 CEOs. Or partners in top law firms. High achieving women. I can’t think of any off the top of my head who are bigger than a size 12 really. Loads of big male execs. But not lots of big high achieving women (i can’t actually think of any in my line of work at least) - and definitely not in line with national averages.

So this must show a level of consistent bias through recruitment and promotion of women, against bigger women?

Unless we say that wealthy and successful people are more likely to be slim anyway because they can afford dieticians and personal trainers and stuff, which could also be true. But the same applies to men but many male CEOs are big.

To be clear, I used to be obese. I was sad, unhappy, and lacking in confidence. It was entirely down to my weight. Most people I know would say that I wasn’t any of those things, but I was.

I didn’t say everyone who is overweight is sad unhappy, and lacking in confidence. But let’s get real, many, many are, otherwise the diet and fitness industry wouldn’t be such big business.

I lost weight, a lot of it, and my whole demeanour changed. I went from wearing the only things I could find that fitted, to wearing clothes I liked and which looked good on me. Whereas before I actively avoided social interactions where I could (or at least stayed in my comfort zone), I started actively engaging with others, because I was more confident in myself to do that.

Not every overweight person will be sad or like I was. But weight loss (or just being thin) gave me more confidence, and my treatment by others got better as a result. Just my experience, I appreciate it might not be yours.

I was a size 14 and went down to an 8/10. I am definitely treated better now I’m thinner.

I am pleased that you are both healthier
and happier, that’s wonderful.

It's not really that simple.

There are plenty of larger women who are very popular in their social circles, very successful in their professional careers and don't have any issues in their romantic lives. They'll usually have a ton of innate confidence and probably one or two of society's other privileges, like wealth. So it's not a strict rule by any means.

But obviously yes, the more societal privileges you have the better you're treated in general. Weight is far from the only example. The reason for this is that a lot of people are shallow twats.

This is a real issue if you're talking about your professional life. But in your personal life, it's your responsibility to surround yourself with good people who aren't twats. I'm not fat, but if anyone I knew indicated that they'd treat someone differently based on their weight (or race, or sexuality, or height, or whatever) then I simply wouldn't have them in my friendship circle. Result? I have a social circle which contains people of all weights and no one is judged or made to feel uncomfortable, because no one else cares.

It is possible to find social circles where no one treats you differently if you're thin. I recommend it.

Personally, I know full well that I'd have been treated differently in many situations if I was white. But it's a pointless thought experiment dwelling on it. In all those instances where I was treated worse, I ask myself why it matters. Anyone who treats me worse because of my race is contemptible to me. I don't crave their approval, so I don't actually care how they treat me. I simply remove them from my life.

Yes, it is objectively true and it's my own personal experience.

I was 22st and morbidly obese. I am now 10st 12lbs and a healthy weight - the way that people interact with me is vastly vastly different. It is not down to having a change of personality due to losing the weight as nothing about my demeanour or personality is different. I walk quicker but I don't think that's the cause! I'm not talking about friends and my social circle here, but the myriad of day to day interactions with strangers and slight acquaintances.

In my social circle, there are several overweight high earners and they are married to extremely wealthy men - combined worth of many millions. I can think of many more that fit the MN definition of 'high earners'. It may depend on the field you're in though.

There are many unattractive slim people though. A walk down any street anywhere in the world confirms that.

This maybe one of the most asked questions on here. It’s repeated often.

the resounding answer is yes, but for me it depends on the person. I’ve never ever seen an overweight person treated poorly by a friend or colleague, this doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, but I’ve never witnessed it, and I’ve been large and small too.by friends, family and colleagues I’m always treated the same.

the difference I so see is women I don’t know. can be more jealous, judgemental less friendly when slim. And men come on to you more. It’s about conventional attractiveness

True. It's not just weight. People will judge and treat you differently depending on how you look in general (clothes, hair etc).

Yes. Some do. Mostly men.

Am still plus size, but used to be 26/28 dress size, now 14/16.

its complicated because I also behave differently. But on the whole, the world is kinder and is more forgiving now I am thinner.

I'm really unattractive, I've been every size between size 6 and size 18 and it makes no difference. I think this only affects people who are seen as attractive when slim and unattractive when fat.

You are right that historically lots of senior men were large, but I don’t think that’s as much the case now. Fitness is a big thing with many senior men nowadays, they all seem to love their cycling in particular, love a triathlon.

Im in a senior role and I’m not aware that any of my peers have dieticians. Lots go to decent gyms but a lot just run.

I’m sure this will be a controversial view with some but I think it’s more to do with discipline and ambition, and how they can both drive a career and a healthy way of life. You don’t get to senior positions in law or professional services, or senior management roles in the corporate world without a certain amount of dedication and self discipline. And for some that’s the issue with weight gain, a lack of dedication and self discipline.

"And for some that’s the issue with weight gain, a lack of dedication and self discipline." - it's such a horrible shame that this is how many people perceive people who gain weight and can't get it off. In reality, so many of the overweight or obese women I know are extremely dedicated and disciplined in so many areas of their lives, usually to benefit their children, their family, their work or other people. That means they then don't have the mental energy, time, etc to use that focus and discipline to only benefit themselves.

I'm not sure about this. When I was a teenager I was a 16-18 and it gave me Fat Girl Mentality. I've been a size 10 since I was 18 but I don't think I've ever really been treated any differently than I was before. But could it be because I still feel like I'm a fat girl?

Not understanding that obesity is a complex disease with many contributory factors would demonstrate a lack of intelligence and poor education though. Perhaps people who make judgements about 'lack of dedication' and 'self discipline' don't understand how harshly they're viewed by others.

I think it’s more likely to be that you have always been slim as an adult.

I have gone from a size 18-20 to a 12 and I do get treated better by some people but I am also no longer embarrassed to take up space and I think that comes across in lots of ways. I happily go to the gym, I don’t feel embarrassed to order and eat when I am out with friends, I can confidently enter most clothes shops and know I can fit into things, I am taking better care of myself so I have a bit more energy etc.

Yep it’s definitely a thing.

I’ve been a size 10 to a size 20 (currently 12/14)

I can sort of get over it with strangers being nice/twats but it’s people at work that baffle me.

Like they treat me totally differently like a different person even though I’ve been there so many years that I’ve gone from slim to fat to average sized. It’s like they forgot who I am at different sizes.