DH and the one that got away

[Relightmy]

DH and I have been together 10 years, no issues in the marriage, all going fine. We’re in our mid-40s.

DH has a female friend who he’s known since he was 17 (she’s the same age). It’s no secret that in their late teens they had a “thing” with each other but due to circumstances (DH moving away for Uni) nothing came of it. They remained in touch, however, and both had other relationships. DH married me, and she has a long-term partner, but they aren’t married.

The impression I’m under is that, certainly for DH, she was one that got away. When they’re together there’s a very obvious natural rapport and spark; they bounce off each other brilliantly in a way, to be honest, DH and I don’t.

Whenever I see them together (which is maybe 2-3 times a year at the very most) I just can’t shake the feeling that I was second choice or the back-up. I know 100% that nothing is going on and nothing would go on but even so, how do I stop this?

It doesn’t help that she is so damn nice - really friendly and sociable, and I really like her too.

AIBU?

I think if he really wanted to have been with her, he would have made it work!

If they wanted to be together, they'd be together. I bounce off some friends better than DH, one of them is a male too. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them. They're fun for a few hours but full time would be draining.

Have you talked to your DH about this?

If this is preying on your mind and you have an otherwise good relationship surely you could have a conversation about it?

I would focus on the fact that you have a good marriage, that’s the key point here.

I take your word for it that these two have a good rapport. And it might have been the case that their relationship might have led to something more long term if circs were different.

But ultimately your DP chose to marry you. There’s no such thing as the one. There are dozens of women that your DH could have made a good marriage with and the same is true for you. There are dozens of men you could have made a good marriage with. But if you guys chose each other and are happy together, none of that matters.

I doubt you're the backup honestly. I have a male friend who I have an amazing rapport with, bounce off and can chat to about anything for hours. Something could have happened if I'd wanted it to but I didn't because I love DH and want to be with him, not my friend. Sometimes it really can be platonic.

I have a very good male friend Ive known since I was 11, we just clicked and we can bounce off each other all day long but there’s zero romantic feelings what so ever, im married and he’s engaged. Sometimes it can just be strictly friends.

You are a better person than me op!

I would not entertain this person or tolerate the friendship

That’s just how I roll - luckily my oh doesn’t have any female friends and is not in touch with any exes

You have my sympathy! Maybe you are amazing and fun but just don’t realise it

It doesn't sound like she's the one who got away, it sounds like they're just good friends.

My best friend is female (I'm male). We had a very brief thing in our teens as well. We've no interest in each other in that way, not since we tried it at 18. If we had wanted to get together, there's been approximately a million opportunities for it to happen in the intervening years. It hasn't happened because neither of us wanted it to. Thats likely to be the case for your husband too.

And this bit -

When they’re together there’s a very obvious natural rapport and spark; they bounce off each other brilliantly in a way, to be honest, DH and I don’t.

You're comparing two people having a catch up to the way you and your DH interact. You can't really do that, it's not the same thing. You've been married for a decade, you know everything there is to know about each other, you've had every debate, heard every joke. Conversation in a long relationship just is just different to the conversation you have with a friend you're catching up with every couple of months.

Wow

I have a friend I have known since I was 17. He and I had a brief relationship when I was 20ish, he was a few years older. I have a much better rapport with him than my husband, easier to laugh with. We only see each other very occasionally due to geography, but when we do, we just slot back to being long term friends. No interest whatsoever on either side of reigniting a youthful romance. He would not have been a good husband for me, any more than I would have been a good wife for him. It was fun while it lasted and I am glad we reverted back to just being friends. He 'gets' me in a way my husband doesn't. Couldn't live with him though.

I've a female mate who I've known since I was 14. Our parents actually knew each other but we didn't. Her mum would have loved it if we had got together. We get on well have similar interests and sense of humour, a huge back history...but no. Never. Not a couple, we'd have been divorced in a week. I do things that grate on her and visa versa.

You sound pretty awesome yourself in the way you speak about her.
So many would've sought out negatives or been suspicious.

First loves are notoriously strong. My DH is mine so I get it. It's not a choice how to feel but obviously he's choosing not to pursue her. I don't know if that would make you feel better or worse.

I reckon there’s a strong chance he’ll find her attractive and fancy her. Most men don’t remain friends with girlfriends unless they do. It just works differently for most men.

But he’s married to you. And remember it’s easier to get along with friends than your spouse most of the time! Especially if they don’t see each other that often. You see your spouse every day.

My ex was like this. I wasn’t allowed male friends because of his issues. Ex husband.

The red flags they are a-waving! @quitelikeit

why is he “friends” with the woman he feels
was the one/got away?

Same, bet many feel like this too.

This.

I think most of us have a number of “almost” relationships in their teens which could have been something but the timing / location / something else wasn’t right. I definitely do.

And then I met this bloke and again the timing / location / everything didn’t really work. So we trashed everything that didn’t work and got together anyway. 18 months later we married. 26 years later he is in our garage fixing our son’s bike.

I think my DH gets on best with my sister than me when we are all socialising. She has a way of speaking that draws attention around her but not in a show pony way. She is what I would call a sparkling conversationalist. But it’s ok it doesn’t mean he choose the wrong sister. I have my own style. I think if you see someone sometimes it can be more interesting than the highs and lows of conversations when being in a serious relationship (“Did you get the loo rolls?” Or “Car service is due again.”).

OP, history can be a huge amount of the bouncing off each other and it gives it a tempory heightened sense of electricity.

I have that with a 40 year old friend, but truthfully wouldn't marry him for diamonds nor him me.
It is intense history and almost a shorthand knowledge of eachother, how we communicate, women definitely have it too, even more so.

It's very different to marriage let me assure you.

He chose and married you.

Many do! But the 'cool wives' on mumsnet would never admit it!!😂

In my experience men are more likely to be misty eyed about their first love and it's not uncommon for them to hold a candle for that person over the decades.

Why does he give you the impression that she’s the one that got away? Is this just a fear of yours rather than anything he’s directly saying or doing?

I have a pretty good bouncing rapport with my male friends, who I see infrequently (and yes also had a thing with one of them in uni), but it doesn’t mean anything. To be honest it’s easier to have that kind of sparkly relationship with friends who you only see in bubbly social situations – that’s not the nitty gritty of real life.

They really aren’t necessarily. Kindly, how would would you know if DH is yours and you haven’t had the experience of multiple times of being in love?