DH and the one that got away

[Relightmy]

DH and I have been together 10 years, no issues in the marriage, all going fine. We’re in our mid-40s.

DH has a female friend who he’s known since he was 17 (she’s the same age). It’s no secret that in their late teens they had a “thing” with each other but due to circumstances (DH moving away for Uni) nothing came of it. They remained in touch, however, and both had other relationships. DH married me, and she has a long-term partner, but they aren’t married.

The impression I’m under is that, certainly for DH, she was one that got away. When they’re together there’s a very obvious natural rapport and spark; they bounce off each other brilliantly in a way, to be honest, DH and I don’t.

Whenever I see them together (which is maybe 2-3 times a year at the very most) I just can’t shake the feeling that I was second choice or the back-up. I know 100% that nothing is going on and nothing would go on but even so, how do I stop this?

It doesn’t help that she is so damn nice - really friendly and sociable, and I really like her too.

AIBU?

Oh give over. Its not 'cool wives' its people who are secure enough in themselves and their relationships to not feel threatened by a friendship and who don't think its remotely reasonable to forbid their partner from seeing a lifelong friend.

OP I agree with the pp who said you aren't second choice. You are the choice he made and if he wanted her they would be together. And no amount of banning him from seeing her would change that.

There’s no need to get weirdly hostile. You don’t have the direct experience so you can’t know.

It is both. If everyone just addressed the OP and didn’t interact with each other, there would be no discussion.

I have an ex from my late teens/early 20s. We occasionally catch up on the phone. There's some nostalgia there and lots of affection when we chat. Our relationship was very intense. He's happily married and I'm single now in our late 50s. I absolutely would not want to get back with him and he always talks fondly of his wife. There were reasons why we split and the past definitely belongs in the past. I'm also aware it's really easy to see the past with rose-tinted spectacles. Hopefully it's the same for your husband and his ex. Affection and good memories, but no more.

This, I have a couple of male friends who I click with personality wise and bounce off really naturally but I wouldn’t want to be married to them. If anything our personalities are too similar. DH gives me a different world view and challenges my thinking. Our DC are an unpredictable mix of us both.

OP, this is silly. ‘The one’ is a myth. In reality, there are numerous people each one of us could be in a happy relationship with. DH and I are happy and have been together 30 years, but I’ve certainly met down the years a couple of other people I think I could have worked well with, had I not been married to DH. It didn’t give me much pause for thought, tbh. Maybe in a different life your DH and this woman could have been a couple. But in this one they aren’t. It’s not worth worrying about.

I have male (and female) friends who I find much funnier than my DH, and our conversations are full of laughter and more animated than my conversations with my DH would usually be.

However, although I find my friends funny this doesn’t mean I want to shag them. As another poster said, conversations are more animated because I don’t see them often and I see DH all of the time. I’d hate to live with, or sleep with, any of my friends!

Your perspective may be that the point of a forum is to disagree with other people but not everyone has to think so.

I guess it upsets me because good conversation is one of the two main things I value in a romantic relationship. Yes I might be a better life partner for him in that I'm a good mum and good cook and problem solver, willing to work and all the rest of it but it feels a bit fucking empty.

I'm not saying any of you with a "one that got away" should do anything different, just maybe if you've got a partner who doesn't like it consider that it might come from sadness rather than a desire to control.

I also think there's a difference between situations where there was something romantic between them that was thwarted for whatever reason, and long term friends with no romantic feelings

I mean, pot, kettle lol

But there is a difference between conversations everyday and conversations which are catching up with someone in person 2/3 times a year. It's always more animated.

They don't need to be a very old ex for that to be the case they don't even need to be the opposite sex it's always obvious when it's a old but great friendship.

You clearly have some insecurities at play but unless you communicate with why it's making you feel insecure then it just festers.
What would you want to change? - maybe actually your in a bit of a plod along by accident (it happens in long term relationships) and that's what needs to change by communicating rather then getting focused on a partners old friend.

Well the OP could address people instead of randos telling me about their life and opinions instead like I asked.

This was 2-3 times a week and they were a new friend, but yes we've talked ad infinitum. The more I try to communicate better the more insecure I get about not doing it well enough now there's a comparator. Maybe I should just put it in my gratitude journal that at least there was 20 years without one.

Nope. Not hostile at all. It’s an observation about someone with no experience of multiple loves claiming that first loves are ‘notoriously strong’. You’re the one telling people not to reply to you and using passive aggressive emojis and lols. It’s a discussion forum, learn to discuss your points without hostility and more maturity.