DH and the one that got away

[Relightmy]

DH and I have been together 10 years, no issues in the marriage, all going fine. We’re in our mid-40s.

DH has a female friend who he’s known since he was 17 (she’s the same age). It’s no secret that in their late teens they had a “thing” with each other but due to circumstances (DH moving away for Uni) nothing came of it. They remained in touch, however, and both had other relationships. DH married me, and she has a long-term partner, but they aren’t married.

The impression I’m under is that, certainly for DH, she was one that got away. When they’re together there’s a very obvious natural rapport and spark; they bounce off each other brilliantly in a way, to be honest, DH and I don’t.

Whenever I see them together (which is maybe 2-3 times a year at the very most) I just can’t shake the feeling that I was second choice or the back-up. I know 100% that nothing is going on and nothing would go on but even so, how do I stop this?

It doesn’t help that she is so damn nice - really friendly and sociable, and I really like her too.

AIBU?

This woman has known your husband since he and she were 17, they are both now 40...therefore they both know each other very well. I would to a degree, given the fact they've known each other a long time, expect there to be a rapport and warmth.

If your husband had truly wanted to be with this woman, he'd have found a way to be with her. As it is, both of them have had other relationships, and your husband has chosen to marry you.

I've kept in touch with my first serious boyfriend, we split 33 years ago. We are fond of each other, yes, but we split because as romantic partners we weren't really suited. However, we get on really well, and enjoy each others company. I'm married and he's in a long-term relationship.

It's heartbreaking to watch though as the spouse that doesn't have the rapport

There is nothing to suggest the DP feels she’s the one that got away.

There is so much more than surface level rapport to choosing a life partner. You can meet rapport for lunch. You marry character and other deeper compatibilities.

If it was me, I would raise it. But there are unknowns about doing that.

It doesn’t really matter, does it. He married you and isn’t having any sort of affair with her.
I think it’s alright to have a ‘one that got away’… lots of people do. The truth is you build your life with someone, you commit to them and live your life with them. The ‘one that got away’ is just a dull fantasy to get you through the boring moments, if anything.
It is nice they get on and it’s nice they are friends. I think male / female friendships can be a really good thing, and it sounds like she’s a good influence rather than a threat. I’d quietly observe them but not make any sort of deal out of it. Again, he married you.

Cool wives is not the insult you think it is 😂

I've witnessed other people's relationships. If you don't like my comments, you can just ignore them 😂

Unless he wanted to be with her but she didn’t want to be with him?

It’s a discussion forum though. Replying to people you disagree with is kind of the point. It would be pretty dull if we only replied to people we agree with!
My second love (my DH) is much stronger than my first love was. I was with my first love for 10 years but fundamentally we weren’t compatible.

Maybe for someone insecure in their relationship. I can 100% guarantee my husband does not feel this way.

Some of my best and oldest friends are male. We have a shared history/childhood and good memories so if I see them for a couple of hours it would probably seem like we bounce off each other. I couldn't be married to them though. Happily DH understands and isn't in the slightest bit threatened- he also has female friends who've known him far longer than I have.

Ah yes, jealousy so restrictive that it means your partner can’t have normal friends. Excellent shout.

Is it? I thought it was to give advice to the OP?

How do you stop it?
You can't.
People can't help sparking with someone.
If you think it could never become a problem you may just have to live with it.

I was told I'm his choice because he couldn't take The Other One home to meet his mum, not exactly a ringing endorsement of me.

I think I might be in a different situation slightly because he met the woman with the better rapport while he was with me, rather than her being his first love.

I do like this thread though because it's a good insight from the "other side" and how it's not just wishing you were with someone else but circumstances didn't allow it.

I love the way if a man does something controlling or abusive it is called out, but calling out women doing it gets dismissed as being 'cool wives'.

Not cool. Just not abusive.

Dh has a friend and when I see them together, I think they would make a great couple. She was married when they met, and divorced since.

Over time, I’ve come to think that I am probably a better wife to dh than she would be. They have an easy connection, but we fit together well in other ways that also matter, and maybe matter more in a long term partnership.

I wouldn't call not wanting your husband to hang out with 'the one that got away' abusive but were all different i guess 🤔

Its both.

It’s been more than 20 years, if either of them wanted to make a go of it I’m sure they absolutely would have by now!

Genuine question: how do you “not tolerate” someone else’s friendship?

Its not your life, not your friendship.

You can’t control someone else’s feelings or mandate their relationship for them.

I can’t comment on OP’s marriage but I do know trying to impose boundaries on behalf of others doesn’t work.

^^ this

Intrigued by the number of posters who claim to have exes in their friend group they have amazing rapport with and would never consider them a romantic or sexual partner.

I have a very happy 20+ years.marriage and fantasise about other men in my life all the time! The point is I can do the thought experiment and enjoy the thoughts but I still choose my husband every day.

He may well have thoughts about what life would have been like with her, but he choses you. He didn't just choose you once - when he married you. He is choosing you every day.

Kindly OP if they wanted to be together then they would have been in the 20 years since!

I think the insecurity is yours rather then reality. I also have a male friend when we are together it flows easy and we bounce off each other. DH has the same with a female friend. But there is no desire on anything there just really good long friendships.

It sounds like your DH has the same a good solid long friendship.

You are a better person than me as I wouldnt be able for this ...but it would also come to a head waaaaaay before marriage / kids / getting 10 yrs down the line....

My dh and i are not in contact with any exs we both think it's weird (I know not everyone would agree...we are all different blah blah)

I wouldn't blow up my life and marriage over it but I would hate it...