AIBU to feel unable to cope with caring for my autistic son?

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

I feel so burnt out. I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to spend my afternoon being hit, pinched and shoved about by my 5 year old. I know it's frustration, I know it's not his fault. He's level 3 autistic, non verbal and his development is like that of a 12 month old. So I know it's not his fault but I don't want to do it anymore.
Yes I have contacted the GP and have an appointment in 7 weeks!!
School have suggested getting (or trying to get) a disability SW. We have agreed and are waiting for a social care review I think but it's just more stress.
Already having to go to tribunal about DS school place and not sure I can deal with SS too.
DS is only in school part time and is home by 1 and it's always been this way since reception. I don't want to do it anymore. My head hurts all the time, I cry every day.
I have spoken to DH who is worse than useless and just says well yeah he is hard work but you have to keep going. I don't want to. I constantly think about being hit by a car so I get a break. I even think about ending it all. I honestly think DS would be better off if I wasn't here.
Would it be really unreasonable to just leave? Just say the caring aspect is too much? Or am I right in thinking I'm just a shit mum and parents who have children with more severe needs than mine keep going and so should I?
I'll probably get flamed for this post. Stupid thing is I absolutely adore DS but I'm failing him and he deserves better.

Sorry to add another thing, but negative thoughts patterns like "I don't have the confidence for groups or meeting other parents. It honestly feels like too much and I'm sure I'd be judged for being overweight and an older mum." can be interrupted with things like cognitive behavioral therapy. Those thoughts don't represent reality, only your anxiety.

Ok. Make a connection in the morning. Do it.
Depression is the cause of statements like worrying about being judged for x,y, z.
Your doctor needs to know that you are becoming reclusive and irrational in your thoughts and that you feel you are in a mental health crisis. You must contact your GP and a support group.

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/

Just adding support, I have the scars literally from dd, who had more capacity than your son and is a fully functioning adult now. The preschool/early primary years were pretty rough with a lot of physical violence and looking back i don’t know how I did it, (now ex) did tag team a bit at weekends and at least I got 6 whole hours of school, though by 11 she was home more than in school.

i had no external help, so please do seek it, I was a martyr you don’t have to be, demand respite hours though you are likely to have to find the person(s) yourself. If by chance you are in the greater Bristol area and want to talk pm me

Please call your GP this morning as soon as they open. Saying "I can only see one way out of this" is really worrying. I don't know if you're on antidepressants and it can feel weird asking for them because you feel like the situation is depressing! It's not your brain! But they can really help. I say this as the parent to an autistic DC with much lower support needs than yours; they still helped me get through a difficult time.

If he loves school, what is the reason for the reduced timetable? My strong suspicion is that the teachers are asking you to do this because they can't meet his needs. I have sympathy with them, but he has a right to a full time education. If they can't meet his needs, they need to take that to the local authority, not push it on you.

No one at a special needs parent group/kids activity is going to judge you for being overweight, or looking rough, or however you think you look. They will know you have no time to exercise and stress eat to stave off the tiredness because you kid doesn't sleep, or whatever your particular situation is. You may also find it easier seeing your DC with other kids with atypical development.

Lastly, it's not enough for your husband to take DS out for an hour on Saturday. That's not a break. You need a whole afternoon at least. What happens if you just do that this weekend?

When your entirely useless husband takes your child out for one whole hour at the weekend, pack a book and go out for a coffee. Spend some time mooching around the shops (or whatever it is you prefer doing). Just let him get on with it for 3/4/5 hours.
When he loses his shit (and he will) explain to him that this will be the new normal every weekend or he can have a divorce instead (nice to give him options 😉).
There are approx 116 'waking' hours per week, even 5% of that time to yourself would be 5+ hours a week......can your husband really argue with you asking for 5% of the week to rest/get away and do something?
It is a shit situation that won't get better on its own, you will have to carve out the time you need, starting by using the support you have living with you.

@Stressedoutmummyof3 where in the UK are you, if you are local to me I'd be happy to offer some IRL friendship and support.

Things will seem hard but the first thing you need to do is talk to your dh. He needs to step up and help more

Reading your latest post, please contact your GP today and tell them how you feel. There is no shame in being unable to cope, and just having the support from someone who understands and wants to listen and help you in so invaluable. Please phone social services and ask for early help from a family practitioner. Honestly the one we had was wonderful and listened to me ranting and crying on more than one occasion and really helped me. It doesn’t feel like it now but I promise it will get better with the right support. Sending hugs x